~Built to Spill ("Strange")
What an odd year it has been. My senior year at SPU was a rollercoaster of really awesome and happy times and a couple not so happy ones. It was, however, my favorite year of college, mostly because I finally learned to strike a balance between working hard and playing hard, instead of just forgetting the latter. There was, however, this tiny little issue of what to do after college that every senior avoids like the plague. Being completely in denial that my undergraduate career was almost over, I decided not to think about it. I find that often, when I let go of my control of every little detail that things turn out well, so that was my semi-unconscious decision.
Fast-forward to late February, when the deadlines for Seattle U's MIT program was the following week and U of O's polymer program was two weeks away. On quite a whim, I went for the polymer program because I figured I'd be done in a year and I thought it would be cool to learn some new chemistry. I packed my bags two weeks after graduation, having absolutely NO clue what would transpire in the following 12 months, but confident that "everything would come out alright" as it always does. I found a place to live quickly (too quickly, in retrospect), started classes and immediately starting wondering if I'd made the right choice.
Things definitely have not gone how I thought and hoped thus far. I'm growing increasingly annoyed with where I live, I'm really lacking in motivation (although this week I've made huge steps in the right direction), I didn't get an internship in Eugene, I'm taking a Biochem class and I made a slightly silly financial "investment" (we'll call it) to get myself a job, which hasn't materialized yet, and I feel alone when I walk through crowds of students every day.
This sounds depressing, and at times, I admit, it is (although I find some of the above hysterical). As far as I can tell, I am a happy person who tries to stay positive, yet realistic. Yet, these last few months have tested me in ways I wasn't anticipating. However, I have hope that things will start to look up.
What I'm realizing is this: I need love. Not romantic love, but love from friends and family that says we'll get through this, I'm here for you and care about you. I don't just need people. There are plenty of people in Eugene, but I still feel alone because I don't have connection with most of them. I have found a really cool church, but because I'm leaving so soon I feel like it's not worth getting really involved. Why am I leaving, you ask? Well, I finally recieved an internship offer in Bend with a pharmaceutical company starting in January, which is exciting but quite scary! I definitely got shafted in the pay department, but what I'm most scared of is being by myself again. The people at the job seem great (and young!), but who knows what will happen?
So, what's the lesson from all this rambling? Maybe nothing. But, I guess I'm realizing that I don't want to spend life on the sidelines. I want to experience things with friends, learn new hobbies and enjoy life, but there is the reality that right now I'm away from the comfort zone I became all too familiar with, and that comes with a price. But, a good price. I'm learning a lot about myself, and this week began to really read the Bible and exercise daily for the first time in WAY too long. It could be the placebo effect, but I feel a lot better this week than I have in months. God has a great way of standing with me silently, waiting for me to choose to seek him, and whenever I do, he finds some way to bless me. Hopefully these new, unexpected changes that will take place in a few months will continue me on the path to self-discovery and maturity, and the realization that one bad day, week, or month shouldn't send me into a tailspin. I just have to look ahead with a excitement and a positive attitude and pray that I can makes wise choices as they arise, without regrets. I've also made a list of things I want to do, and intend to start crossing things off soon.
Because I'm into Built to Spill right now, here's another song I find fitting:
haven't had a half a hand in half of what i am
haven't heard of half the things that happened in the past
haven't givin half the time to half the people
and half the things i planned
you don't have to be so cruel, cause all i do is a little less than what i can
happiness'll only happen when it can
~Happiness
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2 comments:
Katie -
If it makes you feel better, Will and I have now lived in Greeley for over a year and in the last couple of weeks have finally met people we want to be friends with. I realized when we went to their house for dinner, that it was the first time we have been to anyone's house besides ours in this city. I think in college we take for granted how easy it is to make friends in the dorms and at a school like SPU, and then we get in the real world and it is so much harder. Anyways, I can relate with the struggle. :o)
well put, Kari! The "built-in" friends and community in college is wonderful, but not a good representation of the world at large. Glad to hear things are picking up socially for you and Will!
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