I want a girl who uses a machete to cut through red tape

~Cake ("short skirt long jacket")

So often as a girl in the Christian church, you get told "you should be a Proverbs 31 kind of woman when you grow up." THEN a man will want you. THEN you'll be worthy. To be honest, if the Proverbs 31 woman was real, she was a pretty outstanding human being: serving family, the poor, the needy, working diligently, evincing her strength, intelligence and ingenuity daily through her actions and words.

But, does this passage do damage? Maybe not to some. Yet, to a little girl growing up moritified that her future was predestined to be filled with marriage, babies, submission and house cleaning - for that is the only useful and intended employment of the woman - this passage induced even more anxiety for me. I'm not perfect. Never have been. I argue, I change my mind a lot, I have my lazy moments, I have big dreams, I'm hairy and tall, I don't think I want kids, I like to cook and clean sometimes but certainly not daily: who's going to love that?

Books like the ever-frustrating "Lady in Waiting" told me that I had to become the princess worthy of the prince of my dreams. Worthy. There's that pesky word again. Are these books meant to make the (Christian) woman feel so crappy about herself that she seeks a man to save her from her agony and self-doubt who leads, controls and aligns with other traditional male gender roles so she can pump out babies and casseroles while never having an original opinion again because her prince of a husband takes care of the thinking and decision making for her?

I come across as a raging bitch here, when I am not intending to. I have numerous friends whose marriages are pretty darn traditional and they're happy and fulfilled. It works for some, but not all, and that's my point. If there's anything I've learned in my 20s, it's that everyone is an individual and I'm done putting people in a box (or allowing myself to be placed in one). These past few years have been unbelievably difficult yet freeing, painful yet abounding in joy, for I have confronted almost everything I used to believe through the lens of the Lord's heart for peace, justice, mercy and love. A lot of things have changed because of that, including my views and desires concerning marriage, gender and the future. It's worth the wait to find someone who jives with the person you are and want to continue to become on your life-long journey. Maybe I'll never find him, and that's okay. Forget this crap about losing hope of finding a spouse past 30 or about not being able to truly live life to its fullest as a single person. That's malarky (yes, I just said malarky) and I pray you don't buy into it. And, may I remind all of us; no one is perfect or worthy.

These thoughts were randomly conjured up in my mind tonight as Cake's ever-catchy and strange song played on my drive home from school. I was laughing, thinking, were they paraphrasing Proverbs here?

"I want a girl who gets up early,

I want a girl who stays up late.

I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity

who uses a machete to cut through red tape.

With fingernails that shine like justice

and a voice that is dark like tinted glass.

She is fast, and thorough and sharp as a tac,

she is touring the facility and picking up slac.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket."

Boy, would I like to know what justice shines like. I think I like this image infinitely more than Proverbs 31 - this girl has some serious edge, knows success, fights for justice and speaks her mind. At least that's what I get out of it.

Here's to having standards and not settling, knowing and loving yourself, becoming a better person for the sake of the world - not just your imagined future spouse - and moving forward with LIFE, passion and calling no matter what season you find yourself in.

more than fine

One of my TAs last year has this as her profile picture on Facebook and I just had to share:

"It was then that I sutured you"

I wonder if Thomas Kinkade has forged into new territory...

Edit: I was laughing about this with this lady's boyfriend and he made it even better by saying "not to mention Jesus' sterile technique is awful!" hilarity.

when you fell, you fell toward me

~Barcelona (please don't go)

One of my pastors played this video at church today as an example of the beauty of the vast creation on this earth. At first, I thought "what's the big deal?" (and, I have to admit, it looked a little CGI to me), even though it features my favorite song by the band Barcelona, who went to my college and graduated the same year I did (claim to fame!). But, then, remembering tonight amidst hardcore stress (and procrastination, obviously) that it was a very calm video, I thought I'd look it up on the interwebs.

Kuroshio Sea - 2nd largest aquarium tank in the world - (song is Please don't go by Barcelona) from Jon Rawlinson on Vimeo.

What I have found, after watching it a couple more times and learning more about this aquarium in Japan, is peace, amazement (in the creatures themselves, the technological feat of such a huge single sheet of acrylic glass and in how a video shot in such a manner can be so impacting), and interest in how I seem to miss out on some huge internet sensations (this video itself has been viewed almost 4 million times, and it's only been posted since July!).

Coincidentally, I've experienced the same feeling twice this week: the other was The Office wedding episode (one of the best ever, in my opinion) where they mimic the "wedding dance" video that was all the rage this summer (29 million views since July! crazy.)...which I also hadn't seen. I need to get with the program! Or maybe I don't. I keep wondering if I'm going to have to care more about pop culture when I'm a high school teacher or just forget completely trying to be "now" and just be myself - you know, the one who doesn't listen to the radio, barely watches TV and doesn't care about sports that much anymore.

As a general rule, I avoid paying money and spying on animals/sealife in forced captivity, but I have a strange desire to go to Japan now... Random factoid: this is the second largest aquarium in the world. Where is the largest? Dubai, of course, in a mega-mall: 12 million square feet and 1,200 stores. Yikes.

Whatever. Just watch the video.

Be prepared to be surprised

~Sondre Lerche "To be surprised"

I just watched Dan in Real Life for the second time tonight (thanks to Netflix and their instant movie streaming!), and I concluded I love this movie.

First, I want to be Juliet Binoche. She always plays such quality, strong, smart characters with fantastic style (one of my favorite movies is Chocolat, in which she is outstanding). Secondly, I do love Steve Carrell, and it's fun to see him in a serious role in "real life."

But, mostly, I love this movie because it's about a less-than-perfect family. Most of my favorite movies deal in some way with dysfunctional families coming together, working through tremendous shit, or just being a family in the midst of the turbulence of life. Nothing makes me want to have kids except watching movies like Dan in Real Life and The Family Stone.

I've also been stumbling upon some amazing music/musicians in movies lately. Alexi Murdoch in Away We Go, DeVotchKa in Little Miss Sunshine (to name just a few), and now Sondre Lerche and the Faces Down, a band from Norway, who did the soundtrack for this movie. Very good - Check it out!

That's it, really, I guess. Nothing too profound and/or depressing (for once!). I really appreciate the lyrics to the closing song in the movie ("Modern Nature"):

"You'll just have to wait and see: if things go right, we're meant to be!"

Now THAT would be a healthy way to view relationships!

We are just breakable breakable breakable girls and boys

~Ingrid Michaelson "Breakable"

My life has been filled with an inexplicable passion for perfection. Perhaps it's my competitive nature, the influence of my family, the inexecutable messages of society, or simply my drive to succeed. Hopefully, it's my intrinsic motivation to do my best, learn as much as I can in this life and use my gifts for the good of others.

Writing my previous entry was wearisome for me on many levels, yet therapeutic in ways I hope I continue to realize through the next months. Admitting failure, vulnerability, sin and feelings of worthlessness is difficult because it means I'm imperfect. It's also extraordinarily important. (When I burst embarrassingly into tears describing this difficult year at the surprise birthday party my mom threw for me, one of my mentors exclaimed: "She IS human!" - was there any doubt? I mean, I suppose my dad and brother told me I was from the Muppet planet Koosbane for my entire childhood, but that's another post entirely.)

I have found that the more I focus on tasks, others, news (anything BUT me), the less I discover my own depravity and need for grace. The actions are fine; the outcome, not so much. I pray I will continue to learn that less than perfect is okay, and sometimes is even healthy and freeing. Things certainly have not transpired in the last 25 years as I may have envisioned, and though there may be pain, regret or sadness associated with the past, I have to realize that the true "failure" often comes from my pride, denial and lack of love and faith.

Self-reflection is crucial to growth and moving forward, even though it may make me feel awkward and self-absorbed. I smell a cure coming: road trip to Oregon next week.

Try harder....maybe it's just not your year

~Weepies "Not your year"

I had lunch today with one of my favorite grad school profs and her daughter, and as we discussed the ins and outs of classroom management, the horrors of student teaching and my cluelessness about pensions, we also landed on the weight loss topic (why does it always come to this?). She has been trying a new support system for weight loss and has lost 8 lbs in several months (at least she's going the right direction, I said), but related "I have no excuse - I have all the time in the world and this great support system, and I'm hardly scratching the surface." When I agreed and shared my personal frustrations, she said, "well, maybe it's just not your year."

Maybe it's not your year, Katie.

That phrase carries infinitely more weight than she realized.

For those of you who have been a part of my life these last 12 months (and, let's be honest, really the last six years) know that weight struggles play more of a dominant role in my life (thoughts, priorities, self-esteem...the list goes on and on and ON) than I ever imagined and that this year in particular has been unbelievably rough on so many levels. Resigning from my first "real-world" job, voluntarily sacrificing my independence in the name of saving money, trying to resume the life of someone who I am no longer while slowly realizing the person I am is less passionate and more caustic, feeling too far removed to invest in people or make positive contributions, being challenged and doubting my abilities, struggling with life-altering questions and decisions, losing a dear loved one much too soon, giving into the lies of western body image, damaging my health, allowing selfishness to overtake me...

I now more often see the glass half empty. That has never been me. I wish so badly it wasn't me now.

In some ways, I have tried to convince myself that this web of depression, apathy, confusion, self-pity, embarrassment, lethargy and denial is something I weaved all on my own and therefore can and must deconstruct on my own. Then, sometimes I search for a scapegoat (any scapegoat!) to explain away my excessive weight gain, imploding self-esteem and, ultimately, my lack of participation in life. I cringe when I realize all I have missed out on and all of the negative messages I have believed about myself and this life because of what has transpired this past year, and sometimes it just seems like it will be too hard to fix.

Better just suck it up and deal with it, Katie...you DO realize how good you have it, right?

Right. I do get it. I am blessed in so many ways - some I am fully happy and thankful for, others I feel a little guilty or ashamed about. I guess that's the double-edged sword of growing up in america to a stable, successful and loving family. Not that I'm complaining, but if I don't change now, what will I miss out on in the future because I am out of shape, feel chubby and inadequate, don't have the motivation, or worse, just don't care?

Maybe it's just not your year.

Maybe it's not, and perhaps that simple phrase will be the beginning to finding peace amidst the gloom. Maybe, miraculously and at an unknown time, a light-switch will turn on in me and I will change the course of this boat. But, how long can I milk this phrase which begs the questions: 1) is it okay to waste a year of life? 2) is it incredibly selfish to feel like I'm wasting my life when I'm so privileged? 3) are my issues a lack of willpower, something more mysterious or something less controllable? 4) am I allowed some self-pity in a rather large "valley" in the topography of my life? 5) how long can I fake it?

I risk a great deal by writing these things in public. I risk coming across as a neurotic self-diagnosing drama-queen, though I am simply attempting to relate my true feelings. I risk judgement or, worse, pity from the people I love. Yet, the wall I have constructed to protect myself from my own reality is likely large enough to deflect the arrows of others. What concerns me most is the removal of the arrows, bows and quills on the inside of that wall. I have labored all year to rid myself of them, but I have never been good at taking "baby steps" and thus, accept failure on a daily basis. I want change and I want it quickly, and this is why I find myself how I am tonight: inexplicably sad, frustrated, tired, uninspired and wanting to escape.

All these feelings in the midst of a very good summer in many ways. That glass is half full. I am loved and undeservedly blessed. I have worth and skills to utilize. I know it in the rational sense of the word. But, I need to KNOW it in that more mystical sense - this is uncharted waters and it scares me. Full speed ahead.

Now enough of these obnoxious metaphors and time for bed.

set my body free

~Arcade Fire "My Body is a Cage"

Do you ever have those moments where you're listening to a song you've heard a million times and finally the lyrics hit you like a ton of bricks because it applies to your life in so many ways? That happened to me today.

My Body is a Cage (on "Neon Bible")

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on the stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten, that don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
Still turning in the night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

I'm living in an age
Realizing I'm dancing
With the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're still next to me
My mind holds the key
Set my spirit free
Set my body free