Be prepared to be surprised

~Sondre Lerche "To be surprised"

I just watched Dan in Real Life for the second time tonight (thanks to Netflix and their instant movie streaming!), and I concluded I love this movie.

First, I want to be Juliet Binoche. She always plays such quality, strong, smart characters with fantastic style (one of my favorite movies is Chocolat, in which she is outstanding). Secondly, I do love Steve Carrell, and it's fun to see him in a serious role in "real life."

But, mostly, I love this movie because it's about a less-than-perfect family. Most of my favorite movies deal in some way with dysfunctional families coming together, working through tremendous shit, or just being a family in the midst of the turbulence of life. Nothing makes me want to have kids except watching movies like Dan in Real Life and The Family Stone.

I've also been stumbling upon some amazing music/musicians in movies lately. Alexi Murdoch in Away We Go, DeVotchKa in Little Miss Sunshine (to name just a few), and now Sondre Lerche and the Faces Down, a band from Norway, who did the soundtrack for this movie. Very good - Check it out!

That's it, really, I guess. Nothing too profound and/or depressing (for once!). I really appreciate the lyrics to the closing song in the movie ("Modern Nature"):

"You'll just have to wait and see: if things go right, we're meant to be!"

Now THAT would be a healthy way to view relationships!

We are just breakable breakable breakable girls and boys

~Ingrid Michaelson "Breakable"

My life has been filled with an inexplicable passion for perfection. Perhaps it's my competitive nature, the influence of my family, the inexecutable messages of society, or simply my drive to succeed. Hopefully, it's my intrinsic motivation to do my best, learn as much as I can in this life and use my gifts for the good of others.

Writing my previous entry was wearisome for me on many levels, yet therapeutic in ways I hope I continue to realize through the next months. Admitting failure, vulnerability, sin and feelings of worthlessness is difficult because it means I'm imperfect. It's also extraordinarily important. (When I burst embarrassingly into tears describing this difficult year at the surprise birthday party my mom threw for me, one of my mentors exclaimed: "She IS human!" - was there any doubt? I mean, I suppose my dad and brother told me I was from the Muppet planet Koosbane for my entire childhood, but that's another post entirely.)

I have found that the more I focus on tasks, others, news (anything BUT me), the less I discover my own depravity and need for grace. The actions are fine; the outcome, not so much. I pray I will continue to learn that less than perfect is okay, and sometimes is even healthy and freeing. Things certainly have not transpired in the last 25 years as I may have envisioned, and though there may be pain, regret or sadness associated with the past, I have to realize that the true "failure" often comes from my pride, denial and lack of love and faith.

Self-reflection is crucial to growth and moving forward, even though it may make me feel awkward and self-absorbed. I smell a cure coming: road trip to Oregon next week.

Try harder....maybe it's just not your year

~Weepies "Not your year"

I had lunch today with one of my favorite grad school profs and her daughter, and as we discussed the ins and outs of classroom management, the horrors of student teaching and my cluelessness about pensions, we also landed on the weight loss topic (why does it always come to this?). She has been trying a new support system for weight loss and has lost 8 lbs in several months (at least she's going the right direction, I said), but related "I have no excuse - I have all the time in the world and this great support system, and I'm hardly scratching the surface." When I agreed and shared my personal frustrations, she said, "well, maybe it's just not your year."

Maybe it's not your year, Katie.

That phrase carries infinitely more weight than she realized.

For those of you who have been a part of my life these last 12 months (and, let's be honest, really the last six years) know that weight struggles play more of a dominant role in my life (thoughts, priorities, self-esteem...the list goes on and on and ON) than I ever imagined and that this year in particular has been unbelievably rough on so many levels. Resigning from my first "real-world" job, voluntarily sacrificing my independence in the name of saving money, trying to resume the life of someone who I am no longer while slowly realizing the person I am is less passionate and more caustic, feeling too far removed to invest in people or make positive contributions, being challenged and doubting my abilities, struggling with life-altering questions and decisions, losing a dear loved one much too soon, giving into the lies of western body image, damaging my health, allowing selfishness to overtake me...

I now more often see the glass half empty. That has never been me. I wish so badly it wasn't me now.

In some ways, I have tried to convince myself that this web of depression, apathy, confusion, self-pity, embarrassment, lethargy and denial is something I weaved all on my own and therefore can and must deconstruct on my own. Then, sometimes I search for a scapegoat (any scapegoat!) to explain away my excessive weight gain, imploding self-esteem and, ultimately, my lack of participation in life. I cringe when I realize all I have missed out on and all of the negative messages I have believed about myself and this life because of what has transpired this past year, and sometimes it just seems like it will be too hard to fix.

Better just suck it up and deal with it, Katie...you DO realize how good you have it, right?

Right. I do get it. I am blessed in so many ways - some I am fully happy and thankful for, others I feel a little guilty or ashamed about. I guess that's the double-edged sword of growing up in america to a stable, successful and loving family. Not that I'm complaining, but if I don't change now, what will I miss out on in the future because I am out of shape, feel chubby and inadequate, don't have the motivation, or worse, just don't care?

Maybe it's just not your year.

Maybe it's not, and perhaps that simple phrase will be the beginning to finding peace amidst the gloom. Maybe, miraculously and at an unknown time, a light-switch will turn on in me and I will change the course of this boat. But, how long can I milk this phrase which begs the questions: 1) is it okay to waste a year of life? 2) is it incredibly selfish to feel like I'm wasting my life when I'm so privileged? 3) are my issues a lack of willpower, something more mysterious or something less controllable? 4) am I allowed some self-pity in a rather large "valley" in the topography of my life? 5) how long can I fake it?

I risk a great deal by writing these things in public. I risk coming across as a neurotic self-diagnosing drama-queen, though I am simply attempting to relate my true feelings. I risk judgement or, worse, pity from the people I love. Yet, the wall I have constructed to protect myself from my own reality is likely large enough to deflect the arrows of others. What concerns me most is the removal of the arrows, bows and quills on the inside of that wall. I have labored all year to rid myself of them, but I have never been good at taking "baby steps" and thus, accept failure on a daily basis. I want change and I want it quickly, and this is why I find myself how I am tonight: inexplicably sad, frustrated, tired, uninspired and wanting to escape.

All these feelings in the midst of a very good summer in many ways. That glass is half full. I am loved and undeservedly blessed. I have worth and skills to utilize. I know it in the rational sense of the word. But, I need to KNOW it in that more mystical sense - this is uncharted waters and it scares me. Full speed ahead.

Now enough of these obnoxious metaphors and time for bed.

set my body free

~Arcade Fire "My Body is a Cage"

Do you ever have those moments where you're listening to a song you've heard a million times and finally the lyrics hit you like a ton of bricks because it applies to your life in so many ways? That happened to me today.

My Body is a Cage (on "Neon Bible")

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on the stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten, that don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
Still turning in the night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

I'm living in an age
Realizing I'm dancing
With the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're still next to me
My mind holds the key
Set my spirit free
Set my body free