Oh that we could always see such spirit through the year

~Charlie Brown (“Christmastime is here”)...i’m listening to The New Frontiers, who do a great cover of it, too!

i’m not feeling it this year.

i can’t put my finger on it, but i have no “Christmas spirit” and it makes me sad. It also necessitates reflection.

It could be that October, November and December have been the three busiest consecutive months of my life and i haven’t had time to even stop and think about the holidays, or more importantly, the “reason for the season” as some like to title it. But, many people use that excuse, and that’s not ample enough for me. It also could be the fact that this is the first time in my life i will only be home for a week surrounding Christmas. The five years i was in college, i was lucky enough to be home for the vast majority of December, so this is a new experience for me. Sure, i threw a white-elephant Christmas party on Friday (it didn’t disappoint with a couple of inappropriate t-shirts, a metal bird sculpture and plastic beaded santa figurines), listen to Christmas music every chance i get (i’m loving Sufjan Stevens’ Christmas albums this year), have made two batches of traditional Klug cookies, and hell, we even have a tree and decorations at our house, thanks to my roommate. But yet it doesn’t feel right. i remember things felt a little off last year, too.

i certainly am disgusted by materialism, and this undoubtedly is a big reason for my lack of yuletide joy. i did my only “day” of shopping on Saturday and couldn’t handle it after about 1.5 hours. i’m pretty sure it’s a good thing to realize that presents don’t matter, just as getting your Christmas cards sent off punctually, having a spotless and perfectly decorated home, throwing the best party and making the tastiest cookies don’t.

Perhaps i’m being too hard on Christmas. After all, what did it ever do to me but land me some (usually) sweet stuff and make me fat every year? i know some Christians who just treat “americanized christmas” as a totally separate entity from the real meaning and enjoy both for different reasons. i think i like that. There’s nothing wrong with giving gifts, having a reason to celebrate and catch up with friends and baking really great food. But, i keep wondering how Christmas ever turned into what it is today. The season of the most important birthday has turned into a stressful, obligatory, finance-stretching, month long period of one-upmanship and materialism. But, then again, folks appear to be happier during the season. In general, they are nicer to one another, and gift-giving is often a fun and positive gesture. That giving and slightly-less-selfish attitude is the “spirit” i’d like to see all year.

It may be obvious that my realism and skepticism is what’s ruining the holiday spirit for me, but possibly, it’ll turn out to be a good thing over time IF i actually take time to ponder advent and what this month truly means to my life and how it can change me. i think i’ve been contemplating these issues more this year because of my yearning to spend time abroad, which will probably land me in another country for some Christmases. i found myself writing a friend who will be spending the holidays in China and telling him i was actually jealous that he wasn’t surrounded with the American insanity that is christmas, because maybe it would be more real.

hopefully when i arrive home in Bellevue on Friday, my mindset will change. Either way, celebrating Christ’s birth is something i want to focus on more. now, if only i didn’t have a party every night this week...

You run like a river runs to the sea

-U2 (“One Tree Hill”)

November 25, 2007. A day I'll never forget:

4:40 am – I awake (after getting about 2 hours of sleep) to find my alarm had not been set for 4:30am, but rather 6:30am
5:00 am – I finish my breakfast of toast and a banana
5:45am – Leah finally crawls out of bed
6:00am – I take my first ever shot of espresso...followed by 2 more
6:15am – The running clothes go on
6:20am – I start to get nervous
6:21am – I begin to pee out those two liters of water I have drunk in the last 1.5 hours
6:25 – and again
6:30 - and again


6:35 – and again
6:40 - and one last time
6:45 – the troops head off a little later than we had hoped for the Seattle Center


7:20 – Alan, Leah and I arrive at the starting line (I have to pee like a racehorse, but the lines are so incredibly long that I know I won’t make it, so I hold it)
7:25 – Leah realizes she has no safety pins for her race number
7:28 – a few last pictures
7:30 – the gun goes off
7:35 – We finally cross the START line (6,000 people take a long time to get through!)
8:30 – I nervously try a few Clif Bloc Shots and take my first feed successfully!
8:45 – I get a little sick of all the geriatric runners passing me like I’m standing still
9:00ish – oh the hills...(one glove lost in the process)...not too bad
9:10 – people on the streets start offering donuts and gummy bears to the runners...gross...one guy right next to me grabs a Krispy Kreme and shoves it in his face
9:30 – I know I’m close and I pick up the pace in a serious way
9:54ish – I cross the finish line in a sprint, feeling awesome (and lose my hat)!





So, there you have it, friends. I can finally call myself a runner! Even though my time of 2:19.16 certainly does not indicate I have found a sport I can excel at, I am very happy that Leah and I both made it, I felt amazing, made my time goal, and finished feeling like I could run further. Adrenaline and training at elevation are two amazing things.

For all the unbelievably stupid things I did leading up to the race (only ran less than 10 miles in the two weeks prior, gained a ton of weight “carbo loading” for about 3 weeks, etc), I did several things right: ate on the run (thanks to my wise bro and dad), wore the perfect clothes, paced myself at the beginning, handled the hills right, drank enough water and had a blast! The Clif Bloc Shots assuredly saved my life – I highly recommend them.

The weather was awesome, and I even got to see several SPU friends who were running or watching! A great day and a fitting end to a fun week at home over my favorite holiday. It’s amazing what a person can do when they have motivation and put their mind to it...a good life lesson.

Oh, and I ended up running the whole race with a full bladder.

there’s nothing to lose and there’s nothing to prove: i’ll be dancing with myself

~Billy Idol (“dancing with myself”) – Nouvelle Vague did a great remake of it too!


I have realized this year (probably because of the seven weddings I went to) that I absolutely love to dance. It’s freeing, stress-relieving, and overall just good for my soul.

Dancing is also very fun now that I have short hair....

Before the choppage (this is the third time i’ve been all drastic and donated):
Now I’m free as a barnswallow:
I love this haircut!! This is just the first of a bunch of changes in my life over the next few months...stay tuned.

But, I digress. Anyhow, I have concluded that I exist to get shy people on the dance floor and having fun at weddings...I even tried to get a little bump-shimmy going at Alan and Leah’s wedding, but for some reason everyone left when they heard the music starting up. Hmmm. My favorite thing is when the non-dancers of the world get up, forget their inhibitions and discover that dancing isn’t too scary after all! I offer my mother, cousin Debbie, and "Uncle Jake" dancing at my cousin Megan’s wedding not long ago (this was PRICELESS):

I went to a “young professionals” club with two friends not too long ago, and I was surprised that it wasn’t too shady (save for the couple dry humping in the corner and the really unfortunate guys who tried to dance with us and promptly got shut down by my coworkers). My two beautiful, little and exotic friends were getting hit on left and right, and the big ol’ third wheel (or fifth...both apply here) was just trying to love it, dance with myself and forget about the lack of attention from dudes. Maybe I give off the “don’t grind me” vibe...I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing, though.

Serious randomness. Just get your booty on the dance floor and make a fool of yourself. I promise you fun will be had!

“With the record selection
With the mirror reflection
I'm dancing with myself”

( )

~okay, that's actually a great album by Sigur Ros..(but it works because there are no words to describe this post)

I saw the most rediculous, saddening and infuriating thing today:

A brobdingnagian RV towing a Suburban.

I wanted to give them a citizen's citation for ruining my planet single-handedly.

Hibernation is a lonely word, so wake me up!

~Splendour Hyaline (“The Restless Slumber of Dry Kindling”)

I’m pretty sure no one reads my blog anymore, so regretting the fact that I haven’t been as witty, entertaining or humorous lately as I mean to be is probably a waste. However, my life is most enjoyable (to me) when I have funny, strange and awkward stories to tell, and it’s been a while since I’ve had a week that compared to last week. I’ve been hoping and praying for a more exciting life, and I think I got my wish in an interesting way this time.

Warmth made a very welcome cameo appearance in the form of three 70+ degree days and then came back for the weekend, which allowed me to have the most awesome run of my entire, short lived, running “career” (if you can call it that), get outside on my bike for the first time in 2 months and hike with my friend Abbey in lava fields! The run was semi-epic in that I started a tad late and finished in the pitch black...maybe that’s the motivation I need to run fast! But, it couldn’t compare to the weirdest bike ride I’ve had in recent memory...

I felt alright on the bike, but not as good as I expected given that I’ve been riding trainer and running quite a bit, so I decided to do a relatively flat ride out in the boonies of eastern Bend (complete with tons of deer, rodents, tumbleweed, horses, and one seriously smelly landfill). As I was riding past some grazing deer that ran away from me, I randomly contemplated what my course of action would be if an animal unexpectedly chased me while I was on the bike. I wish I had had some wood to knock on, because not 5 miles later, out of the blue come running some angry shepherd dogs out of a driveway with their chops aiming for my tires...or perhaps a piece of leg. It was a complete miracle that I didn’t hit one of them and totally crash, but instead I maneuvered around them at about 20 mph and they proceeded to chase me, one on each side. At this point, you can rest assured I wasn’t just going 20... As I started to break away while yelling at the dogs (do cusswords translate in “dog”?), I had pictures in my head of going down, getting ripped to shreds by the pavement, and then mercilessly by these two dogs. Thank God for adrenaline and leg muscles.

But of course, that wasn’t all. I flatted for the first time out on a ride by myself ever (I’m a lucky girl; I’ve been riding for 3.5 years) about 5 miles after that. Luckily I’m now the proud owner of CO2 cartridges, so I was back on the bike in about 15 minutes (I was impressed by that, Alan won’t be). 24 miles later, I was home safe just in time for my cousin Jimmy (who is on a 50-day long road trip across the US) to come visit for the night, which was a blast.




I started both my volunteering positions last week also, which both went quite well. I never thought I would enjoy working with Jr Highers, but MAN those kids are funny and as awkward as I still am. I, of course, have an “in” with most of them since I’m so tall, and apparently they were intrigued by that...maybe it’s the misfit mentality. More on this later, I’m sure.

The week rounded out with an accidental date (I’m not kidding), a new interest in learning how to code (followed by my first coding lesson), a crappy run on Sunday (I got sick and was forced to sling a deuce in the bushes with about 3 miles to go...nice), and then a great hike up Lava Butte the same day with Abbey.


But even so, it was a really emotionally tough week at work and in life. I can’t fully explain it, and have been convicted lately that I need to work on being more positive because I have very little to complain about. My dad was informed he’d be laid off in March (along with his whole group as their project is being moved elsewhere) from a company he has faithfully served for 18 years, which is tough but also a very good thing for him, I pray, since he needs to do something he loves for the rest of his career. In addition, I am more and more convinced every day that I met the perfect guy for me a couple months ago, and would be very excited about this if he wasn’t living in another country and I wasn’t stuck in Oregon constantly thinking about him and wanting to get to know him better. It’s rough, but I’m realizing because of this weird situation that I’m picky in the right ways, never willing to settle for anything less than him, and am fully willing to wait for him to return if it's "meant to be" (how cliche, right?). How I figure out if it's meant to be is yet to be determined...but I really hope it is.

What a wacky week!

you're barely breathing tonight

~Barcelona (Lesser Things)

What a month it has been! In the last 3 weekends, I’ve had 5 family visitors (Uncle Bob and Susan, Mom and Dad, and Jennyfern!), ramped up my running schedule, seen WAY too much snow, went clubbing for the first time (that may warrant its own post at a later date), and have gotten inspired.

I’ve been having a hard time motivating myself in several areas these last months. I have the desire to start volunteering here in Bend, get more involved with my awesome church, spend more time with friends outside of work, start running at least 4 times a week, make some long overdue phone calls to friends all around the country, and most importantly, invest more in the relationship I have with God that I’ve been putting on the backburner way too much this year. But, I don’t have enough drive to get there.

That is, until these past couple weeks. I’ve seen what my life can really be here in Bend (even though change is on the horizon) by having fun with friends, being more active and choosing to spend more time with God.

Because I’ve had so much fun and done so many things these past weeks, I got really inspired last weekend in many ways. Volunteering – I have an application in to work for an organization called Healing Reins. Church – I am going to see if there is a place for me in the youth group leadership. Friendships – I am going to continue hosting events, even if it costs me the money I’m dearly trying to save for another round of grad school and hopefully some fun travel before that. Running – I’m trying for my first 4 a week runs this week, and started it off by running 12.5 miles on Sunday!

You read that correctly. Katie- I have always hated running-Klug ran just shy of a half marathon on Sunday. I can’t believe it either. Now, this would be more impressive if I did it without stopping, but I instead saved gas by running to a birthday party and then running home. I wasn’t too happy the last 3 miles (could be those tortilla chips), but I made it...now I realize I have a lot of training left to do before November 25th. Still, it’s cool to run further than I ever have each time I increase my distance.

I’ve always been a bit of an “enviro-freak” (although I have definite room for improvement), and running 12.5 miles to save gas was a decent effort, I thought, but the Bend Fall Festival this weekend really opened my eyes to the cool things one person CAN do to help the world. Check out these two awesome vendors:

http://www.chopstickart.com/
http://www.daisyrockhats.com/

Here’s to living a great, healthy, and meaningful life and never ceasing to work on myself!

Capitalize on hot air, soar like an airplane

~Matisyahu (Fire of Heaven/Altar of Earth)

In the month of August alone, I purchased or was given 10 CDs. And I wonder why I can’t save much money!! Actually, yourmusic.com (see link at right) and itunes have made my increasing addiction to new music decently affordable, so it’s not all bad.

Now, if you know me very well, you know that I have always been musical with my love of singing, the guitar, piano and even a little-known one year stint as an accomplished 5th grade clarinetist. My brother (the real musician in the family) taught me how to play the clarinet the summer before 5th grade, so I was already rocking “Hot Cross Buns” and dropping words like “embouchure” before any of my classmates knew what instrument they wanted to attempt. The piano ended much too abruptly and my journey with self-taught guitar has been less than impressive over the last 7 years. Ah, but singing – that’s something I tried to stick with, but as my pattern would dictate, after a moderately successful high school choir experience, I only lasted a year in the SPU choir system.

In college however, I realized a new love of independent music, much to the credit of many friends and the help of the shared music network. Sadly, many SPU students have limited music selections: Third Day, Stacy Orrico, Avalon, and maybe a little Michael Buble for diversity. (insert vomit here) But, there was a group of indie-loving folks that opened my eyes to smaller labels, undiscovered bands and even some fun local groups.

Since college, I have realized my absolute passion for international music. Anything with a latin flair, and I’m a happy girl. I recently discovered a group (through the amazing outdoor concerts here in Bend) from France that hits you with equal parts latin, Yiddish, gypsy and flamenco jazziness that will blow your mind. An accordion has never rocked so hard. Les Yeux Noirs. Check them out. As you can see, I have cultivated an odd and varied taste in music over the past few years. I never thought of myself as an “art person” as some like to boast, but I can truly say that I’ve learned that music truly is an art and has the capability of speaking to me, completely altering my mood and inspiring me in many ways. I’ve needed all of those benefits dearly this last month.

So, whatever your taste – find new groups to enjoy, try some different genres, see some live shows and appreciate musicianship!
I leave you with that long list of new CDs to me:

-Splendour Hyaline (Hope, a sliver, like the moon)
-Matisyahu (Youth)
-Jonathan Lipps (Suite Apocalyptique)
-Matisyahu (Live at Stubb’s)
-The New Frontiers (EP)
-Aqualung (Strange and Beautiful)
-Miles Davis (Kind of Blue)
-Roy Orbison (Greatest Hits)
-John P Kee (Strength)
-Blue Scholars

you'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see

~Aqualung ("strange and beautiful")

I may or may not be experiencing a bout of “unrequited interest” currently...it’s kinda killing me.

Maybe it’s because I just realized I will have gone to seven weddings solo in eight months by the end of October, and several friends and family are also very close to taking “the plunge” within the next two years. This is a crazy era of my life. I have to admit, I love weddings – especially when I get to see people I haven’t talked to in years.

Last weekend was no exception: two weddings back-to-back...and yes, I managed to eat salmon and steak at both of them (now THAT’S what I call a success!) and hang out with my brother and sister in between. A busy but fantastic day. My good childhood friend, Jennifer, who I played softball with from 3rd grade through high school got married to her high school sweetheart, and being an only child, her wedding wasn’t kidding around! The wedding was at St. James Cathedral in Seattle – gorgeous. The reception was held at the Fairview Olympic Hotel (I’m told it’s the most expensive hotel in Seattle, and that’s saying a lot). Let me paint the picture for you: open bar for 250 or so people for 6 hours, unlimited wine at dinner, a fancy four-course meal, nice favors and a dance-hall dripping with roses, candles, white linens and several drunken high school friends making passes at the bridesmaids by the time dinner was over.

Essentially, this was a 5 year high school reunion for me – it included about 80% of the people I’d want to see at my actual reunion and I was so happy I had come up for it! It was unbelievably wonderful to catch up with so many friends I hadn’t spoken to for 5 years (did I mention I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people?) who had come from all over the states for Jennifer! Unfortunately, the inebriation kicked in after the dancing started and I missed out on really catching up with several people who were feeling a little too screwed up to have a normal conversation. Nevertheless, these friends astounded me! Several are in grad school, most have good jobs and have traveled and experienced neat things, and a few are already married or on their way. The level of maturity shocked me quite a bit (in a good way).

The only downer of the night? The bill for valet parking at the hotel = $24. Shit.

"I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
I've been secretly falling apart, unseen
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
I know, waiting is all you can do, Sometimes... "

But of all God’s miracles large and small, the most miraculous one of all is the one I thought could never be

~From ‘Fiddler on the Roof’

Today at church, in our continued study of the gospel of Matthew, my pastor focused in on the miracles of Christ (of which about 40 were actually documented in the Bible) and how believers can follow and respond to the Miracle Worker. Many aspects of this particular message cut me to the core. Throughout my life, I have continually struggled with the “problem of pain” as C.S. Lewis describes it – why the good suffer so often, and more than that, why we don’t see miracles today in the Holy Spirit’s presence similar to those Jesus performed during his life here on earth.

I have to admit, in my travels to do work with communities in Mexico, China and LA, I experienced God in vastly different ways than I do at “home.” I still to this day carry with me miraculous stories of safety against all odds, health when there was no good reason we shouldn’t be sick, funds and supplies appearing out of nowhere and many other experiences that were clearly not from us, but from God. However, I still struggle when attempting to compare these events to the healing of a woman by her faith when she reached out to touch Jesus’ cloak while en route to raise a 12 year old girl from the dead.

When you get down to the bare bones of miracles – Lazarus and this 12 year old girl, the woman with the hemorrhage and all the lepers and blind people Jesus healed still ultimately suffered death just as I will some day. So the miracle is not the end-all-be-all of the ministry of Christ. Of course, it’s AWESOME to imagine how quickly my faith would turn around if I saw Jesus pick a paralytic up by the hand and see him walk for the first time, and certainly the miracle of Jesus raising from the dead after being executed to cover up all the sins I commit is the pinnacle of the Christian faith. But, it isn’t the only part of the story. If you take a look at Matthew 8-9, you will see that intertwined with all the stories of healing, Jesus eats with tax collectors and sinners, challenges the Pharisees, teaches about the cost of following Him and encourages the disciples to pray for others. Jesus' ministry was focused on eternal significance, not a Band-Aid quick fix. You’ll also notice that Jesus often instructs the recipients of his physical healing power to tell no one. Now, I always thought that was strange. Jesus just did something that no one else can do, and he doesn’t want optimum props for it? What kind of man IS this?! I have heard many people explain this, and I believe the reason is that Jesus doesn’t want us to think of him as just that cool dude who makes the blind see, but rather wants us to follow him because of the spiritual healing he does in our lives, the forgiveness of sins and eternal life he can offer – and that’s the big payoff. I’m starting to see that the biggest miracle of all is the turning over of a person’s life fully to Christ, and that definitely happens in modern day!! This true love that Jesus has to offer all of us trumps even the raising of the dead. Perhaps it is too easy to see the birth of a baby, the beautiful nature all around us, compassion, kindness and health as hum-drum everyday occurrences, but I beg to differ.

I love what Philip Yancey writes on the subject:
“I readily concede that Jesus, with a few dozen healings and a handful of resurrections from the dead, did little to solve the problem of pain on this planet. That is not why he came. Nevertheless, it was in Jesus’ nature to counteract the effects of the fallen world during his time on earth....The miracles he did perform, breaking as they did the chains of sickness and death, give me a glimpse of what the world was meant to be and instill hope that one day God will right its wrongs. To put it mildly, God is no more satisfied with this earth than we are; Jesus’ miracles offer a hint of what God intends to do about it.”

This begs the question, then – what miracles have been happening in my life lately? So glad you asked...

I made it up to Mt. Bachelor park after about 18 miles of grueling climbing on my bike and didn’t die! Miracle #1.

I endured a three-day long business trip/class in Santa Barbara on Light Scattering of molecules whilst a huge forest fire raged and snowed ash down on us (so much for the beach). Miracle #2.

I am making some new friends and trying to take in as much of the beauty of Bend as I can while I live here. Miracles #3 and #4.

My perception of modern-day miracles was challenged today in such a way that I pray it will provide me the inspiration to further and deepen my identity in Christ - something I have been craving intensely. I have (thankfully) been receiving encouragement from people, experiences, long-awaited introspection, sermons and reading lately which I believe is pushing me in a new direction. Where I’m going next, I’m not sure. Timeline? No clue. But, I am realizing there’s a lot of work to do on myself in preparation for what God will hopefully drop right in my lap. May we have the drive to rejoice in the miracles and “wonders” we can see daily, but moreover I hope we realize the love of Christ and how radically that acceptance changes lives.

You turned me into somebody loved

~The Weepies (Somebody Loved - my favorite song right now)

It’s been a week since the wedding event of 2007. My brother Alan and my new sister Leah got married after a very fast 4 month engagement last Saturday. The past three months of my life have been extremely stressful for many reasons which I may blog about in the future, but suffice to say, I’m starting to feel like I’m getting my life back somewhat, just in time to realize that summer is on it's way out. At least with the wedding done and the marriage off to a good start, I feel that all the wedding craziness was well worth it. After all, Leah is awesome and I love my only brother very much.

I took seven days off of work to see my brother race (he got first in one race and qualified for nationals!) and help out as much as I could with the last-minute wedding stuff, and while I came back more tired than I was when I left Bend, it was still a great trip. I got to see many family members and old family friends I hadn’t seen in a long time, had a lot of fun hanging out with all my brother’s friends (who are extremely amazing people), and most importantly, I got to know my new sister a lot better, even in the midst of the insanity (not hers, just the whole crazy week!).

With wedding on the brain the last 3 months especially, I couldn’t help but think about what I would do if I got married, who I would invite, and all that annoying stuff I never want to think about, but just enters the brain involuntarily. After the whole experience, I have to say that eloping has moved to the top of the list! It’s amazing to me how one day of celebration can get so complicated, expensive and stressful even when most people can step outside the situation and acknowledge that the little things (and maybe some of the bigger ones) don’t and won’t matter in the long run. I have so many friends who have gotten married or have been involved with weddings and tell me the unbelievably terrible experiences they’ve had. One of my coworkers feels so negatively about weddings that she refuses to be a bridesmaid anymore and eloped with her husband to Hawaii were the law does not require witnesses at the ceremony (pretty extreme, but they were SO happy). Why do we, as Americans obsessed with putting on the best wedding and party, following silly traditions and one-upping others’ ceremonies, get so completely crazy? It’s inexplicable to me.

Regardless of the “wedding norm” and the busyness that comes with involvement in any event, I couldn’t be happier that Leah and Alan asked me to be in their wedding – it was wonderful to stand up there with them, during what was the best wedding ceremony I’ve ever been to, bar none. Even though I haven’t been around the two of them much while they’ve been together, I can tell that they love each other deeply and have such similar personalities and senses of humor that they do seem a perfect match!

A week has passed, and I’m starting to recover and get my life in order...just in time to hop a plane to Santa Barbara for my first business trip on Monday! It’s time to enjoy the rest of the summer in Bend....so I’m going to go climb 20 miles up a mountain on my bike. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Here’s to Alan and Leah and many many years of happiness and adventure!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

It’s May. I’ve been at my job for four months. You wouldn’t guess it, though. This morning I awoke and found that the rooftops in my neighborhood had a significant amount of snow on them. I always thought that spring weather in Seattle was manic, but it’s nothing compared to living in a desert! It was 76 last Friday, and it’s been snowing/raining/hailing/sunny/windy all this week.

In many ways, however, this weather suits me in my current mood and place in life. I’m up and down lately more than the Dow. I can’t explain it at all. In the last few years I have learned that I’m a person who thrives on change and new things to get excited about. So, am I reaching a point where my current state isn’t good enough any more? Most of all, I guess, I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life. I feel like my blog is a broken record, and certainly my time in Eugene, while short, showed me how much loneliness affects me. So, you’d think I’d love the fact that I have roommates and people to talk to at night. I do a lot of times, but usually I come home exhausted and just want to be quiet, watch the Colbert Report (my new favorite show), sleep or just think. Ah, the old adage: you always want what you can’t have.

In the last month I’ve started to go to a church that's close to home. I’m hopeful that I can get involved there and ideally it will be a place I can feel at home and make some new friends. I have to keep reminding myself that while I have started hanging out with a few people at work and am slowing starting to see more of Bend by bike and outings, moving to a new place where you don’t know anyone is a slow transition. How hard it can be. I sometimes wonder why I left a good group of friends and family in the first place. I took so much for granted in college – especially built-in friends all in similar places in life and all needing each other. I know it can be better than this, and maybe I’m getting there. I just need patience. And courage.

Coincidentally, today I was offered a real job at Bend Research! I guess I don’t have too much to complain about, except this terrible dichotomy of feeling like I’m working way too hard, but having a huge desire to “make data” as my cubicle-mate Steve puts it. I can’t believe they’re doing this, but they offered to pay me a real bachelor’s level salary for the next 5 months until I get my Master’s Degree, at which point they’ll pump up the compensation pretty awesomely! I had no idea that everyone at work thought I was doing so well, but this speaks volumes to the fact that working hard does indeed pay off. This is pretty cool and feels largely undeserved since I feel like I only know what I’m doing about 60% of the time and totally messed something up today J I never thought I’d stay on at my internship, but in keeping with my MO, I normally throw up my arms and say, “let’s see what happens!” and this is no exception. BRI is a fantastic place to be professionally and personally, and I have a feeling that’s extremely rare in the science realm. I feel like I’ve grown up so much in the last4 months, but I don’t know if I’m ready for 401Ks, health insurance and crazy taxes quite yet. Regardless, it’ll be a great chance to grow up more and learn how to be an adult no matter how long this chapter in my life lasts. I think in the back of my head, I always thought my mom would be sending me my health insurance card and my dad would send my car insurance cards. Oh, and then there’s the new idea of paying for all my living expenses. Budget, here I come! Maybe.

So, there have definitely been changes recently. I’m thankful that I’m starting to pull my shit together a little better and focus more on what really matters. Who knows what the next few years or even months holds for me, but I am pleased with the fact that things fall into place for me in spite of myself oftentimes. For that, I owe all the credit to God.

Oh we like sheep have gone astray

~Handel’s Messiah

What does a normally dedicated blogger do when she hasn’t blogged in 2 months? Make excuses? Talk about how busy and tired she’s been? Catch everyone up on all the crazy things that have happened in the last 8 weeks? Start from scratch? Ask a bunch of annoying questions? A little bit of everything?

The last two months have been a blur, but when I stop and try to pick out items of note, I realize that although I’m still lonely at times and feel like I do nothing but work and exercise, things are on a definite upswing. So, here we go, in rapid-fire incomplete sentences:

Worked a lot of overtime, played bball on a city league team, Kellie and Elizabeth came to visit me in Bend - awesome! (that’s about all I can remember about February), flew to Seattle for my cousin Megan’s wedding and grandpa’s 90th birthday, the next weekend drove to Seattle to fly to MAUI with my family for a glorious week-long vacation, drove back down to Bend, watched as much of March Madness as was humanly possible, had a dinner party with some friends from work, went up to Portland last weekend for cousin Chris’ 30th birthday and to see the family I spent time with in China, and last but not least, my brother and Leah got engaged on Wednesday (!!!!!)


Congrats, you two! I love ya.

So, you see...March has not been without its craziness, but I like that in a lot of ways.

Strangely, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (I know, weird, isn’t it?) this last week, and while I can’t say I’ve had tons of epiphanies, I do feel like I’m growing up and learning things daily. Some highlights:

1) gossip at work can get out of control: enough said
2) being the only single girl in my entire company is a recipe for disaster
3) my plans and ideas of what a successful, rational, fun life looks like are (and should be) much different from those I’m close to
4) I care way too much about how I look even though I don’t wear makeup
5) If this dating thing ever actually happens to me, I’m going to be terrible at it and awkward at all times
6) God is the most patient entity in existence and always will be

I have been astray for a pretty solid year now, yet God quietly waits for me to seek him with a new, fresh and dedicated passion. What is it about Lent and Easter that makes me feel such a sense of obligation and at the same time, desire, to “get right with God”? I’m not even sure if I’ve ever experienced being “right” with Him, the one whom I’ve associated my whole identity with for almost 15 years. But, do I really know Him? Good Friday has always been my yearly wake-up call, which is why I count it as the most significant day every year in my life. There are no presents, no family get-togethers, no special meals to overeat at. Just a time for me to cut through all the crap and realize how little I allow God into my life, and even knowing that would be the case almost 2000 years later in Bend, Oregon, He was tortured for hours and suffered pain worse than I will ever feel. For ME. For YOU.

I’ve been reading the gospel of John this Lenten season, and because he was an eye-witness of Jesus’ crucifixion, his account really struck me today while I read it. Mostly, chapter 17 of John just blows me away. Jesus, in all his fear and anxiety about what is about to happen to him, spends a long time praying for his disciples and believers in the future. That’s me and you again. Selflessness, humility, unconditional love. That’s Jesus, and that’s a tough act to follow.

In this time of Easter celebration and remembrance, may you, no matter who you are or what you believe, realize how much Jesus loved you back when he died for you 2000 years ago and felt every crappy and horrible thing that has ever happened in your life. That’s a God worth giving my whole life to, and even though He knows and I know I’ll never be perfect, the desire to seek, learn and love is what He asks me for.

“’[I pray] for those who believe in Me...I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me.’” ~John 17:20-23

I’d do almost anything that you want me to do....but I can’t go for that - no can do

~Hall and Oates

For some unknown reason, I found myself singing this wonderful Hall and Oates song while in lab today. Then, I thought: perfect title for my next blog!

It’s February. How’d that happen? I just finished my first full month as a working girl and I’m exhausted. How do people do this their whole lives?! At the same time, I’ve got to be one of the luckiest people to be working and living where I am, so I just need to ramp up on the energy...maybe when it warms up and I shake this little cold.

This whirlwind of a month has taught me a ton about Chemistry, life and the working world. In a measly 4 weeks, I have been taught to basically do everything that my fundamentals group does (which encompasses about a third of the 120 employees at my site). I guess that makes me valuable, right? It is a cool feeling to know how to do things that most of my coworkers don’t know, but then I’m always put in my place by those blasted “intern” comments. “You’re an intern, Katie...that means you’re dispensable” said Jeff the NMR specialist today at work with a big grin. I think I’m starting to get some respect and thus gain some independence in all I do, but it’s made for a BUSY last two weeks when I do a little bit of 5 or 6 other people’s jobs. I did get my own desk this week, which has been a great change and a way to get to know some awesome people!

What do I do at Bend Research, you may wonder? Or actually, you may not. Pharmaceutical research is more confidential than I expected, so I can’t say much, but I will say that other than synthesizing drug delivery system polymer components, I do a lot of drinking free beverages from work, applying and reapplying lotion 35 times a day, wishing that all my very attractive male coworkers weren’t married, hauling 3 1-gallon bottles of hazardous waste to the outdoor shed over and over again (real fun on days when it’s sub-20 F in Bend), joking around with coworkers, breaking glassware in lab (a 4-L beaker and two grad cylinders this week...whoopsie), doing dishes in an extremely scary anomaly called a ‘base bath’ (pH 14 bath that will dissolve virtually anything but the glass itself), wondering if the guy who re-stocks our beverage fridges has a crush on me, and apparently garnering a reputation for calling the newest hire a douche bag...

It’s been a great experience so far, but I have found that the whole corporate-world really bothers me. Kissing-ass and saying the right things at the right time (what the boss wants to hear) have never been my strong points, and always make me feel like a greasy businessperson. I prefer honesty and questions in meetings rather than pretending that everything is great and you aren’t wasting your time. But, at the same time, I’m hoping I get offered a job in 8 months, so maybe I should just shut my mouth unless I have a damn good idea. This could be difficult. :)

Interestingly, my group is known as the harcore beer-drinking crew, and I went along last week and had an amazing stout that even my mother could have handled (coffee and chocolate flavors), so maybe I can even learn to like beer! It’s a stretch, but I’m game for pretty much anything...

But Bud Light? I can’t go for that – no can do.

I can't complain

~Nickel Creek ("Can't Complain")

(written January 12, 2007)

Temperature reading on my car at 7:30am: 0°F
Temperature at lunchtime for the outdoor workout: 22°F

I never knew what it felt like to have my nostril hairs freeze....until today. Now that’s one of the strangest feelings ever. My first week in Bend has been full of fun, new life experiences, nice people, early mornings, even more beautiful scenery than Seattle, and some intense workouts!

In a week, I have become a semi-saavy snow and ice driver...something I never thought would happen. The drive from Eugene was fairly epic. For some reason, the designer of my car thought: “let’s see how small I can make the clearance between the tires and the wheel well,” making it nearly impossible to put the chains on the car. But that’s not all. At the second pass on the way to Bend, we were forced to stop and chain up. Dad jumps out in his shorts and has his chains on the suburban before I can even get all layered up. I was feeling good because I was totally going to do this on my own. I get the chains out and layed behind the tire...and I can’t fit my fingers under the wheel well. Turns out that 300 pounds of books and other most likely unneeded shit in your car weighs it down a little....who knew? So, after unloading the trunk and using the jack, my chains were on and things were looking great. It was actually fun (and beautiful) driving over to Bend.



So now, I live in a house that my roommate, Jinn, owns. We also have another roommate, Beth. So far, we are having fun and doing more than I thought I would in my first week here. Jinn and I went running on Saturday, which was an interesting experience when I started to slip on the ice and contemplate how badly injured I would get if I bit the dust. Supposedly they have these things called Yak tracks which are basically strap-on snow shoes to run in....I might have to invest. Jinn played D1 basketball at Montana State and has already recruited me to play post on their way-better- than-me city league team, which could be fun or frustrating...I’m not sure yet.

Work went amazingly well this week. I wasn’t as exhausted as I usually am the first week of a real job, the snow and ice were hardly ever a problem, I love all of my coworkers, and as far as I know at this point, I really like what I’m doing in lab. Bend Research, Inc. is an awesome place to work. I’ve already been invited out for beers twice, we get free food and drinks all the time, I can see about 6 mountains from our parking lot, we have really awesome outdoor workouts with a personal trainer a bunch of times a week, and then there’s the holiday party tomorrow. Hm. This should be interesting since I swear 98% of my coworkers, although they’re mostly only in their late 20s to late 30s are friggin married. Lots of cute guys...all with rings. Blast. That’s worse than all ugly guys by a long shot!

So far I’ve made a couple freshman mistakes in lab, and I don’t feel like I’m getting the respect I deserve quite yet, but there’s time for that. I made three different polymers, and started getting trained on some equipment too. There is also, apparently, time for like 6 meetings a day. Not including my first day, which was all meetings, I’ve been to 5 in the last 4 days. Not too shabby for a first week intern. Of course, don’t ask me whether I understand what they’re saying or not.

So there we have it. I’m alive and loving Bend so far. Even the crazy-ass coldness isn’t that bad, and I will be going through a bottle of lotion every day. Did I mention I got paid today? Things are definitely looking up. Oh, and this is my view from work:

So, this is the New Year...and I don’t feel any different (written Jan 3)

~Death Cab for Cutie (The New Year)

At least not quite yet.

In retrospect, 2006 was a year I could never have predicted. Even just in December: the “northwest windstorm 2006” hit with a no-holds-barred attitude (it will probably be remembered even more than the Inaugural Day storm in 1993), James Brown died on Christmas, I set a record for most Christmas cookies eaten in one week, Sadaam was noosed a couple days following, it snowed in Seattle twice, Gerald Ford passed away last week, and I had a lovely liquid New Years Eve following a day of driving in pretty much every district of Seattle to see friends. For me, some of 2006 was good, a lot of it was mediocre, and a small portion I’d rather not recall. Oh, it also rained an insane amount.

Driving home last night from Seattle to Eugene to prepare for the big move across the mountains to Bend this Friday, I hydroplaned enough to make me eligible for the Seafair races this summer. White-knuckling for 6 hours straight and streaming profanity at trucks is not my favorite activity. Now I get to prepare for some snow driving this week...yee haw!



This past month while I was at home, even though I was often busy knitting, baking cookies, cooking dinner for my parents, wrapping gifts, watching TV or sleeping, I made some pivotal realizations. First, I finally had to understand that I don’t have money. Any. Not working for 6 months really can stick it to ya. Perhaps I’ll have to take a stab at (gasp) budgeting in the near future. Secondly, Christmas wasn’t as magical this year. I’m not fully certain I can explain why, but things just seemed different, less joyful and rushed this year. Plus, apparently I’m “growing up”? It was still fun, and having some new additions to the family was certainly a treat. At Quest Church on Sunday, we had time to talk about the past year and share with each other. It’s so easy to say that I was busy this year and just didn’t prioritize time with the Lord, like I could say every year. But, I can pinpoint it a little more this year: the word for 2006 was distraction. The first six months, when I was loving my senior year even in the midst of some health problems, I allowed myself to be involved in seemingly everything, yet left some of the most important goals at the curb. Then, of course, when I moved to Eugene, I had a ton of time to exercise, read the Bible and other books, pray, et cetera. But, did I, you ask? Of course not. I allowed my perceived fatigue, knitting, classes, crippling loneliness (just kidding), incessant movie watching, slacking and zombie internet-surfing to squeeze out most of the time I could have spent doing more valuable activities.

So, as I look forward to 2007, I have a lot of hopes. Sure, you may call them resolutions, but whatever the nomenclature, I have lofty goals for what will happen in the next 12 months. I will be going to an insane amount of weddings, which is all good, as well as a much anticipated family trip to Hawaii and hopefully lots of outdoor fun in Bend and wherever I can afford to go. But more than doing, I hope this year is a year of thinking, prioritizing, reading, renewed commitment to health and being active, and most of all, putting my relationships first. I also have committed to flossing and doing 30 pushups a day. We’ll see how long that lasts...although, I shouldn’t jinx it on January 3rd.

Will Katie (and her coworkers) live through her first “real” job as a Chemistry researcher? Is there romance in her future? How about friends? Can she ski without breaking a bone for the first time? Will she freeze to death? How will the BMW fare in the snow and craziness? Will Katie meet and marry John Krasinski? How radical will her knitting skills get?

Stay tuned as Katie’s 23rd years unfolds and probably surprises even her at most moments...