Do you want to see the world? Do you want to see the world in a different way?

~The Kooks (“See the World”)

It’s been quite a year (or two) for me in terms of re-evaluation self and calling, mixed with attempts to simultaneously move forward towards that ever evasive “person I’d like to become.” It feels closer than ever before. My beliefs, politics, lifestyle, perspectives and perceptions of myself have all come under intentional attack this year. Even my hobbies and interests are different now (I had a hard time recently getting my friend Jason to believe that I just don’t care as much about sports as I used to!). Helped along my journey by amazing friends/mentors, experiences, some amazingly poignant books and speeches, I have changed profoundly. I sometimes joke with friends that if I had actually found someone to marry in college, he wouldn’t recognize me anymore. I have so many people to thank for their contributions to this woman ever in search and need of progress.

If you’ve been a reader of my blog since its inception in 2006, you may recall my struggles with the harsh reality of living alone when I was in graduate school in Oregon. It’s easy for phrases like “we were created to be in community” to enter one ear and quickly exit stage left, but it’s harder to ignore when it’s being lived. Reduced to my two Chemistry courses, my Tai Chi class, knitting and watching an unhealthy amount of movies (thanks to the modern phenomenon of Netflix), I found myself locked up in my personality-rich ancient studio apartment the majority of my six months in Eugene with very little personal interaction. Thank God I didn’t know about YouTube then, or it would have been worse!

As much as I have wished to live alone again at times in the past two years and find that I am becoming more of an introvert, I always recall this experience and will forever use it as a metric for evaluating unhealthy levels of solitude, especially when I’m not using that solitude for personal growth. Community is an amazing gift and, even when it’s slightly-to-extremely uncomfortable at the outset, getting involved and being truly known are human responsibilities and rights.

Community, in many varied forms, has inspired, spoken truth, challenged and encouraged me into significant change. A recovering legalist from my teen years, I have been so blessed to be in conversation with folks that have called into question the stereotypically held “Christian” views on marriage, life, science (this, obviously, has been a big one for years, since I’m a scientist), following Jesus and, most importantly, emphasized an imperative quality of a Christ-follower: thinking for oneself! There is a big movement among certain groups of Christians that desires to be told what to believe, how to act, what not to do and how to vote. This scares me. I don’t believe this is Christ’s design for the church. We need to learn to discern, think, study, converse, debate and wrestle with the tough issues, not just take what our pastor or someone else we deem “smarter” or more “godly” says as the final word.

Oftentimes, though, it’s hard. It feels like a burden and I get unmotivated very easily. So, I have learned that the best way to force myself to continue running toward single-mindedly following Christ is to place myself in situations and around people that require me to face the person I am and come to grips with the sickness, pride, idolatry, self-centeredness and emptiness in my life and my utter need for Jesus. Not to say that I try to make myself feel poorly just for kicks, but I do try to be real and consider what needs to be done to “point this ship in the right direction.”

This is getting long and I didn’t even broach any of the specific topics I’ve been pondering lately. Perhaps another day.