So often as a girl in the Christian church, you get told "you should be a Proverbs 31 kind of woman when you grow up." THEN a man will want you. THEN you'll be worthy. To be honest, if the Proverbs 31 woman was real, she was a pretty outstanding human being: serving family, the poor, the needy, working diligently, evincing her strength, intelligence and ingenuity daily through her actions and words.
But, does this passage do damage? Maybe not to some. Yet, to a little girl growing up moritified that her future was predestined to be filled with marriage, babies, submission and house cleaning - for that is the only useful and intended employment of the woman - this passage induced even more anxiety for me. I'm not perfect. Never have been. I argue, I change my mind a lot, I have my lazy moments, I have big dreams, I'm hairy and tall, I don't think I want kids, I like to cook and clean sometimes but certainly not daily: who's going to love that?
Books like the ever-frustrating "Lady in Waiting" told me that I had to become the princess worthy of the prince of my dreams. Worthy. There's that pesky word again. Are these books meant to make the (Christian) woman feel so crappy about herself that she seeks a man to save her from her agony and self-doubt who leads, controls and aligns with other traditional male gender roles so she can pump out babies and casseroles while never having an original opinion again because her prince of a husband takes care of the thinking and decision making for her?
I come across as a raging bitch here, when I am not intending to. I have numerous friends whose marriages are pretty darn traditional and they're happy and fulfilled. It works for some, but not all, and that's my point. If there's anything I've learned in my 20s, it's that everyone is an individual and I'm done putting people in a box (or allowing myself to be placed in one). These past few years have been unbelievably difficult yet freeing, painful yet abounding in joy, for I have confronted almost everything I used to believe through the lens of the Lord's heart for peace, justice, mercy and love. A lot of things have changed because of that, including my views and desires concerning marriage, gender and the future. It's worth the wait to find someone who jives with the person you are and want to continue to become on your life-long journey. Maybe I'll never find him, and that's okay. Forget this crap about losing hope of finding a spouse past 30 or about not being able to truly live life to its fullest as a single person. That's malarky (yes, I just said malarky) and I pray you don't buy into it. And, may I remind all of us; no one is perfect or worthy.
These thoughts were randomly conjured up in my mind tonight as Cake's ever-catchy and strange song played on my drive home from school. I was laughing, thinking, were they paraphrasing Proverbs here?
"I want a girl who gets up early,
I want a girl who stays up late.
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
who uses a machete to cut through red tape.
With fingernails that shine like justice
and a voice that is dark like tinted glass.
She is fast, and thorough and sharp as a tac,
she is touring the facility and picking up slac.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket."
Boy, would I like to know what justice shines like. I think I like this image infinitely more than Proverbs 31 - this girl has some serious edge, knows success, fights for justice and speaks her mind. At least that's what I get out of it.
Here's to having standards and not settling, knowing and loving yourself, becoming a better person for the sake of the world - not just your imagined future spouse - and moving forward with LIFE, passion and calling no matter what season you find yourself in.
7 comments:
i like you Katie...
strange coincidence that i have also been working on a piece about being single (i think it's the looming holidays. when we all get to go back 'home' and hear about how awful we are for not giving people grand-babies or great grand-babies). it's nowhere near coherent enough to publish, but it's on its way
Amen! Seriously, waiting for the one who wants YOU, not an ideal, the one who is not intimidated by your strength but sees it as attractive-oh girl, is it ever worth it. Walk in the paths God is calling you to, and He will bless you abundantly.
I think that the damage comes from a misunderstanding of what the woman in Proverbs 31 actually is. I am currently in a class on the wisdom literature of the Hebrew Bible and I have learned that this woman is what is referred to as a 'strong woman' or 'eshet chayil' in the original Hebrew text. This phrase is used throughout wisdom literature referring to Ruth and Job's wife and the like.
Further, to my point, this passage could be damaging if applied to our current context without a basic understanding of how this passage is speaking about this woman.
If you look especially at the first few chapters in Proverbs it describes a wise woman who holds deep knowledge, wisdom, reconstruction, and discernment.
So to your point, I would agree that the ideal that many are portraying, does damage. However if we look at the actual context of Proverbs 31 and who this woman actually is, we see that she is a strong woman in a different sense and that this ideal of society is not derived from this passage and that if it is claimed to be so, that it is an inaccurate portrayal of this passage.
Any thoughts?
I agree with jjobe. When I read Proverbs 31, I imagine a woman that really does have "some serious edge, knows success, fights for justice and speaks her mind."
Serious edge: verses 17, 25
Knows success: verses 16, 18, 29
Fights for justice: verse 20
Speaks her mind: verse 26
I especially love verse 30: "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Single or married...fearing the Lord is the most important thing!
Oh, I also just found out that Proverbs 31 verses 10-31 are an acrostic poem, with each verse beginning with a successive letter of the Hebrew alphabet. Pretty cool!
Friends, thanks for the comments. Jennie and Aaron - I like your interpretation, and, when I was reading P31 again as I wrote this post, I did notice a lot of cool things that I didn't see when I was younger.
My point in writing this, however, is that Proverbs 31 is telling me (whether this was the intent or not) that I have to be like that to be a "good wife," as if there is some equation I have to fit myself into. More specifically, I think there are a lot of passages that make Christian women feel that if they aren't married and/or don't have kids, there is something wrong - something to be ashamed about, to be pitied for, and certainly to be focused on more than what REALLY matters in life.
No one ever talks about Paul saying it is better for us to stay single if we can...
nice post--i will never hear that Cake song the same way again!)
seriously, thanks.
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