you're drawing flies everywhere that you go, 'cuz you don't take your showers anymore

~Weird Al Yankovic (You don't take your showers)

At the Klug household of late, we've run into a bit of a problem.

The title of this blog may suggest said issue is my infrequent showering, but, no, we've got ants. Tons of 'em.

When the four of us moved to the lake when I was seven, we had a hardcore carpenter ant situation at hand. Those suckers were BIG and hard to kill, what with their impervious armour, but replacement of the rotting wood in the house remedied that one.

Fastforward seventeen years. A month or so ago, I started to notice tiny black ants crawling around my desk when I'd be planning chem lectures. Horrified by the smell they give off when squished (one website said it's formic acid, which definitely explains the stench), I hoped they'd go away. When they didn't, I discussed the issue with my dad.

His ideas? Leaving dishes in my room overnight (guilty). There is another issue of my room being a complete war-zone after four months of full-time teaching and learning, and seeing the little punks crawling out of stacks of paper made me wonder if that could be a contributing factor. Strangely, the problem seemed isolated to my bedroom, which, other than being a little embarrassing, mystified me immensely. So, I went digging through the piles (note: I didn't actually clean them up...who has time for that?) to see if there were any random items of food I wasn't aware of, and I certainly stopped bringing my meals downstairs.

No improvement. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was watching tv in the living room and enjoying a little snack, when all of a sudden, I noticed that there were about five ants cruising around on the very step I was sitting! Nasty! Last night, I was laying in the tv area (lovingly named "the pit") and had several ants up in my business. Okay, let's really do something about this, please?

But, still, all of these run-ins had something to do with me. Do I smell? I mean, I know I don't shower a ton because of my skin and my recent inactivity, but really? Would that make any sense?

Today, while reading up on the couch, I spotted a legion of ants who had descended on the corpse of a dead spider. Took care of that quickly. But, In only 30 minutes, I had two ants crawling ON me. SICK.

So, I did what any scientist would do: I set to work trying to find a non-toxic household remedy that would rid my life of these pesky invaders. In one simple Google search, I came upon The Frugal Life - an amazing site with ideas for using what you already have to remedy, exterminate, repair and live. There are over two pages of ideas from other cheap people like me trying to kiss ants goodbye.

Here are my favorites:
1) Draw a chalk line where they enter the house - they won't cross it. (!!)
2) Spray a mixture of vinegar/water or soap/water where you see them.
3) Spray Terro inside the house. Spray Terro outside the house.
4) Set out a bottle of cheap maple syrup for them to drown in.
5) Mix Karo, water and Boric Acid for a little toxic treat.
6) Set out cornmeal or cream of wheat - they'll eat it and explode when it expands.
7) Set out cloves, cinnamon, dandelion root, bay leaves, eucalyptus leaves, black pepper, cayenne pepper....
8) Use citronella oil, orange oil, mint oil (one suggested leaving a stuck of mint gum out!).
9) Spread coffee grounds all over the outside of the house.
10) Play obnoxious country music. (okay, I made that one up...but it would work on me!)

Because I don't know exactly where they're entering (thanks to my unbelievably messy room), I decided to give one of the easier ones a try for now: spices. I mixed up a little concoction of cinnamon, whole cloves, ground cloves and ground bay leaves and set it in my room, and in the living room. (Of course, any good scientist would question my faulty scientific method of failing to isolate experiments - yes, I should have tried just one spice and then another, et cetera - but I want these things GONE!)

So, we'll see what transpires. As I've written this blog, I haven't seen any ants in my room...of course, they're probably just messing with me. Let the critter-abation commence!

Update. 3 hours since I wrote this. Seen/killed 3 ants. Maybe I'll buy some boric acid tomorrow.