When you kill it is justice

You set yourself above
That all forgiving god
You claim that you believe in
Your kind is gonna fall
Your ship is sinking fast
And all your able men are leaving

Only someone
Who's morally
Superior can possibly
And honestly deserve
To rule my world

I talk before I think
You shoot before you know
Who's in your line of fire
So somehow we're the same
We're causing people pain
But I stand and take the blame
You scramble to the night

Only someone
Who's morally
Superior can possibly
And honestly deserve
Only someone
Who's morally
Superior can possibly
And honestly deserve

To rule my world

Explain me one more time
When they kill it's a crime
When you kill it is justice

~Kings of Convenience (Rule My World)

I want to live where soul meets body

~Death Cab for Cutie ("Soul Meets Body")

"It's amazing how we think technology is so amazing, but we don't realize our bodies are even more complex," exclaimed my friend as we left the BODIES exhibit this afternoon.

For two hours, my two friends and I were astonished by the intricasies, sizes, shapes and functions of the human body. In some ways, I wish there had been more (the display in Seattle currently is a smaller collection than was here a few years ago, I think), but, as it was, I learned and saw an amazing amount. Of course, my friends would tell you I was more interested in how the human bodies were preserved than how they really function, but hey, I'm a polymer chemist! Though, I have to admit my favorite part of the display was seeing the central/peripheral nervous system nerves fibers that are usually housed within the spinal column - they look like a bunch of tiny ropes that are encased to make one big rope. So cool!

I realized a few things about myself and life while I was there and as I reflected on what I saw as I rode the bus home.

1. I will definitely donate my body to science when I die (I mean, the thought of your body being sawed into cross sections and cast in a polymer is awesome, right?)
2. I don't remember anything from middle/high-school biology classes regarding anatomy and it's really embarrassing. REALLY.
3. The female reproductive organs are TINY.
4. I spend way too much time worrying about the machinery (i.e. my appearance and fitness) and far too little time pondering how I may use myself for the good of others (and then acting on it, of course).
5. We are all so similar at the most fundamental levels. Beauty has nothing to do with one's bone structure, hairlessness, perfect skin or weight. (Not that I didn't know this already, but it's always such a good reminder to look past the packaging.)

These last two years have been rough in many ways, but I'm so ready to move beyond the focus (whether negative or positive) on myself and finally take part in the service I feel I was created for. It's been a long road, but student teaching starts in one week, so I'm slowly getting there. I'm nervous, but I've got a sense that I will be okay even though I'm fully aware I will make embarrassing mistakes, have bad days and be humbled to my core. Knowing that there is a purpose to life is simultaneously the most comforting and scary reality imaginable.

If anything, that's what I was truly led to today; our bodies are so fascinating, intricate, detailed and awe-inspiring, it's hard to believe that there is no reason we are on this earth. May we use every day we have to encourage, love, give, build others up, learn and enjoy the heck out of what we've been given!

I'm on a relatively new quest to learn something new everyday (which I may start to post here...maybe), and today certainly did not disappoint. I leave you with a few interesting facts:
1. Every drop of blood in your body passes through your heart every 60 seconds.
2. Your small intestine is 9 ft long.
3. You have over 100,000 miles of blood vessels in your body.
4. Scientists don't know why people yawn.
5. At 9 weeks, an embryo is about the size of a quarter; at 20 weeks, it's big mango-ish sized (my analogies based on what I saw).
6. You have huge, thin tendons covering your abdominal, back and outer thighs.
7. Embalming fluid has wintergreen essential oil in it (to mask the smell).
8. Babies leave behind some of their cells in the mother when they are born, which apparently gives the mother some health advantages for up to 10 years (further proof that gestation = aliens).
9. Your butt muscles are the biggest ones in your body.
10. Babies are born with 300 bones; Adults only have 209 (still trying to work that one out in my head).
11. Your skin cells replace themselves every month; your bone cells are replaced every three years!

I'm weary with my former toil, here I will sit and rest a while

This December, I had a very tough time getting into the "Christmas spirit." There were many reasons for this (having mostly to do with a rough year and working at a mall), but for the first time in my life, I found I didn't really care that Christmas was coming and didn't want to listen to Christmas music, save thinking about Advent. However, I went caroling with some friends in downtown Seattle a couple weekends ago and finally allowed the true message and impact of Christmas to permeate my pessimism and disappointment. There really is a big difference between secular and sacred Christmas music!
I found myself clinging these last two weeks to one of my all-time favorite Christmas CDs that my parents own by the King's College Choir of Cambridge. The beautiful delivery of such meaningful and powerful music was exactly what my weary soul needed this year. I truly pray that your Christmas will not end today, but will continue all year long through the expression of selflessness, love, empathy, humility, passion, friendship and peace. These are the lessons Christ teaches me by example and the reason I celebrate His birth, life and sacrifice. Merry Christmas.
Jesus Christ the Apple Tree

The tree of life my soul hath seen
Laden with fruit and always green
The tree of life my soul hath seen
Laden with fruit and always green
The trees of nature fruitless be
Compared with Christ the apple tree

His beauty doth all things excel
By faith I know but ne'er can tell
His beauty doth all things excel
By faith I know but ne'er can tell
The glory which I now can see
In Jesus Christ the apple tree.

For happiness I long have sought
And pleasure dearly I have bought
For happiness I long have sought
And pleasure dearly I have bought
I missed of all but now I see
'Tis found in Christ the apple tree.

I'm weary with my former toil
Here I will sit and rest a while
I'm weary with my former toil
Here I will sit and rest a while
Under the shadow I will be
Of Jesus Christ the apple tree.

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive
It keeps my dying faith alive
This fruit doth make my soul to thrive
It keeps my dying faith alive
Which makes my soul in haste to be
With Jesus Christ the apple tree.

I want a girl who uses a machete to cut through red tape

~Cake ("short skirt long jacket")

So often as a girl in the Christian church, you get told "you should be a Proverbs 31 kind of woman when you grow up." THEN a man will want you. THEN you'll be worthy. To be honest, if the Proverbs 31 woman was real, she was a pretty outstanding human being: serving family, the poor, the needy, working diligently, evincing her strength, intelligence and ingenuity daily through her actions and words.

But, does this passage do damage? Maybe not to some. Yet, to a little girl growing up moritified that her future was predestined to be filled with marriage, babies, submission and house cleaning - for that is the only useful and intended employment of the woman - this passage induced even more anxiety for me. I'm not perfect. Never have been. I argue, I change my mind a lot, I have my lazy moments, I have big dreams, I'm hairy and tall, I don't think I want kids, I like to cook and clean sometimes but certainly not daily: who's going to love that?

Books like the ever-frustrating "Lady in Waiting" told me that I had to become the princess worthy of the prince of my dreams. Worthy. There's that pesky word again. Are these books meant to make the (Christian) woman feel so crappy about herself that she seeks a man to save her from her agony and self-doubt who leads, controls and aligns with other traditional male gender roles so she can pump out babies and casseroles while never having an original opinion again because her prince of a husband takes care of the thinking and decision making for her?

I come across as a raging bitch here, when I am not intending to. I have numerous friends whose marriages are pretty darn traditional and they're happy and fulfilled. It works for some, but not all, and that's my point. If there's anything I've learned in my 20s, it's that everyone is an individual and I'm done putting people in a box (or allowing myself to be placed in one). These past few years have been unbelievably difficult yet freeing, painful yet abounding in joy, for I have confronted almost everything I used to believe through the lens of the Lord's heart for peace, justice, mercy and love. A lot of things have changed because of that, including my views and desires concerning marriage, gender and the future. It's worth the wait to find someone who jives with the person you are and want to continue to become on your life-long journey. Maybe I'll never find him, and that's okay. Forget this crap about losing hope of finding a spouse past 30 or about not being able to truly live life to its fullest as a single person. That's malarky (yes, I just said malarky) and I pray you don't buy into it. And, may I remind all of us; no one is perfect or worthy.

These thoughts were randomly conjured up in my mind tonight as Cake's ever-catchy and strange song played on my drive home from school. I was laughing, thinking, were they paraphrasing Proverbs here?

"I want a girl who gets up early,

I want a girl who stays up late.

I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity

who uses a machete to cut through red tape.

With fingernails that shine like justice

and a voice that is dark like tinted glass.

She is fast, and thorough and sharp as a tac,

she is touring the facility and picking up slac.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket."

Boy, would I like to know what justice shines like. I think I like this image infinitely more than Proverbs 31 - this girl has some serious edge, knows success, fights for justice and speaks her mind. At least that's what I get out of it.

Here's to having standards and not settling, knowing and loving yourself, becoming a better person for the sake of the world - not just your imagined future spouse - and moving forward with LIFE, passion and calling no matter what season you find yourself in.

We are just breakable breakable breakable girls and boys

~Ingrid Michaelson "Breakable"

My life has been filled with an inexplicable passion for perfection. Perhaps it's my competitive nature, the influence of my family, the inexecutable messages of society, or simply my drive to succeed. Hopefully, it's my intrinsic motivation to do my best, learn as much as I can in this life and use my gifts for the good of others.

Writing my previous entry was wearisome for me on many levels, yet therapeutic in ways I hope I continue to realize through the next months. Admitting failure, vulnerability, sin and feelings of worthlessness is difficult because it means I'm imperfect. It's also extraordinarily important. (When I burst embarrassingly into tears describing this difficult year at the surprise birthday party my mom threw for me, one of my mentors exclaimed: "She IS human!" - was there any doubt? I mean, I suppose my dad and brother told me I was from the Muppet planet Koosbane for my entire childhood, but that's another post entirely.)

I have found that the more I focus on tasks, others, news (anything BUT me), the less I discover my own depravity and need for grace. The actions are fine; the outcome, not so much. I pray I will continue to learn that less than perfect is okay, and sometimes is even healthy and freeing. Things certainly have not transpired in the last 25 years as I may have envisioned, and though there may be pain, regret or sadness associated with the past, I have to realize that the true "failure" often comes from my pride, denial and lack of love and faith.

Self-reflection is crucial to growth and moving forward, even though it may make me feel awkward and self-absorbed. I smell a cure coming: road trip to Oregon next week.

To be alone with me you went up on a tree

I'd swim across lake Michigan

I'd sell my shoes

I'd give my body to be back again

In the rest of the room

To be alone with you

To be alone with you

To be alone with you

To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely

They took your clothes

You gave up a wife and a family

You gave your goals

To be alone with me

To be alone with me

To be alone with me you went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I'll never know the man who loved me

~Sufjan Stevens ("To be alone with you" off of the Seven Swans album)

I'll never come close to understanding the intensity of His love, the horrific pain He felt, the beauty of His sacrifice or the utter rejection He experienced. Christ died for me (and for you), and I daily reject His selfless gift and His desire to hang out with me, commune and know me better. Instead of living out my faith, I think a better use of my time would be complaining, thinking of how much better my life would be ("if only...") or gratifying myself through whatever means seems best at that given moment.

Though I cannot even fathom what dying for someone else is like, tonight it was a little more real than usual. Thank you, LORD, for doing that for little, messed-up, insignificant me.

Do you want to see the world? Do you want to see the world in a different way?

~The Kooks (“See the World”)

It’s been quite a year (or two) for me in terms of re-evaluation self and calling, mixed with attempts to simultaneously move forward towards that ever evasive “person I’d like to become.” It feels closer than ever before. My beliefs, politics, lifestyle, perspectives and perceptions of myself have all come under intentional attack this year. Even my hobbies and interests are different now (I had a hard time recently getting my friend Jason to believe that I just don’t care as much about sports as I used to!). Helped along my journey by amazing friends/mentors, experiences, some amazingly poignant books and speeches, I have changed profoundly. I sometimes joke with friends that if I had actually found someone to marry in college, he wouldn’t recognize me anymore. I have so many people to thank for their contributions to this woman ever in search and need of progress.

If you’ve been a reader of my blog since its inception in 2006, you may recall my struggles with the harsh reality of living alone when I was in graduate school in Oregon. It’s easy for phrases like “we were created to be in community” to enter one ear and quickly exit stage left, but it’s harder to ignore when it’s being lived. Reduced to my two Chemistry courses, my Tai Chi class, knitting and watching an unhealthy amount of movies (thanks to the modern phenomenon of Netflix), I found myself locked up in my personality-rich ancient studio apartment the majority of my six months in Eugene with very little personal interaction. Thank God I didn’t know about YouTube then, or it would have been worse!

As much as I have wished to live alone again at times in the past two years and find that I am becoming more of an introvert, I always recall this experience and will forever use it as a metric for evaluating unhealthy levels of solitude, especially when I’m not using that solitude for personal growth. Community is an amazing gift and, even when it’s slightly-to-extremely uncomfortable at the outset, getting involved and being truly known are human responsibilities and rights.

Community, in many varied forms, has inspired, spoken truth, challenged and encouraged me into significant change. A recovering legalist from my teen years, I have been so blessed to be in conversation with folks that have called into question the stereotypically held “Christian” views on marriage, life, science (this, obviously, has been a big one for years, since I’m a scientist), following Jesus and, most importantly, emphasized an imperative quality of a Christ-follower: thinking for oneself! There is a big movement among certain groups of Christians that desires to be told what to believe, how to act, what not to do and how to vote. This scares me. I don’t believe this is Christ’s design for the church. We need to learn to discern, think, study, converse, debate and wrestle with the tough issues, not just take what our pastor or someone else we deem “smarter” or more “godly” says as the final word.

Oftentimes, though, it’s hard. It feels like a burden and I get unmotivated very easily. So, I have learned that the best way to force myself to continue running toward single-mindedly following Christ is to place myself in situations and around people that require me to face the person I am and come to grips with the sickness, pride, idolatry, self-centeredness and emptiness in my life and my utter need for Jesus. Not to say that I try to make myself feel poorly just for kicks, but I do try to be real and consider what needs to be done to “point this ship in the right direction.”

This is getting long and I didn’t even broach any of the specific topics I’ve been pondering lately. Perhaps another day.

we're ONE, but we're not the same, we get to carry each other

~U2 "One"

"A lot of people are happy with pie in the sky when they die, but I don't think that's our purpose. Our purpose is to bring Heaven to earth...in the macro as well as the micro. In every detail of our lives we should be trying to bring Heaven to earth. Have the peace that passes understanding, but DO NOT be at peace with the world, because it is not a happy place for most of the people who live in it." - Bono

Lately, I've become a YouTube junkie. Mostly to see live performances from my favorite bands, but the other day, after watching a myriad of U2 videos (I'm seeing U2 3D tonight...why, God, WHY can't we have an IMAX in Bend?!?!), I ran across Bill Hybels' interview with Bono for his 2006 leadership summit. My mom has been to a couple of these things via videocasts in the past, but basically this summit is 70,000+ pastors/church leaders all gathered to learn, challenge and grow. Pretty amazing. Anyhow, this interview is 8 parts on YouTube, but well worth the hour it'll take you to watch.

Why? Well, let me tell you. If you have any musical taste at all, you're at least willing to admit U2's epic run has been (and still is) one of a kind, and that they can still rock. Hard. I can take it further and say that I really love their music, especially the earlier stuff. But, I've always been interested in their technique of marrying faith, secular music and social justice. It seems a lot of their songs can be interpreted "religiously" or "romantically," which makes figuring out how serious they are about Jesus difficult (as if that's MY job somehow). Watching this interview between Bill and Bono changed my mind about him, and even got me a little fired up. If I had to choose a "type" of Christian I like, Bono fits the bill quite well. He was wary at first of Christians, which is why it took him a while to buy into the whole deal, even though he liked Jesus from the start. He also started and shares his passion very effectively about the ONE organization, which is doing astonishingly cool things. It is so refreshing to see notable individuals using their celebrity for good and global change.

The quote from the interview I posted above makes a LOT of sense to me, and is right in line with my current passions, but interestingly, I've heard that this week from more than one source, which always gives me cause for reflection. Bringing the Kingdom of God here to earth right now and doing all we can to combat human suffering, injustice, poverty (and I'll throw in my personal love of saving the environment in the list too, even though people are the first priority, definitely), et cetera should be a main concern of those who call themselves followers of Jesus' example. Chrissi, my friend, fellow youth leader and also the pastor's wife at my church, put it well this morning at our women's Bible study: "if we aren't trying to make this world a better place in Jesus' name right now, we all may as well go straight to heaven so I can stop getting up at 5am for this!" (that's a paraphrase, but hopefully you get my drift)

We're working on 2 Timothy 3 right now, which discusses the "end times," and how horrible people will be then. We've all heard the view that the end times are far in the future and that the level of depravity at that time will be unfathomable even to us in this day, BUT that we should just let it happen, because in order for Jesus to come back, scripture has to be fulfilled. WRONG. The end times started the minute Jesus ascended to Heaven, and even though there's plenty of evil right now and we can't fix it all, I'm willing to guess if everyone who was in line with Jesus' mission actively loved, advocated for and served others sacrifically, Heaven would be a lot closer to earth than it is now.

So, let's DO it!