Capitalize on hot air, soar like an airplane

~Matisyahu (Fire of Heaven/Altar of Earth)

In the month of August alone, I purchased or was given 10 CDs. And I wonder why I can’t save much money!! Actually, yourmusic.com (see link at right) and itunes have made my increasing addiction to new music decently affordable, so it’s not all bad.

Now, if you know me very well, you know that I have always been musical with my love of singing, the guitar, piano and even a little-known one year stint as an accomplished 5th grade clarinetist. My brother (the real musician in the family) taught me how to play the clarinet the summer before 5th grade, so I was already rocking “Hot Cross Buns” and dropping words like “embouchure” before any of my classmates knew what instrument they wanted to attempt. The piano ended much too abruptly and my journey with self-taught guitar has been less than impressive over the last 7 years. Ah, but singing – that’s something I tried to stick with, but as my pattern would dictate, after a moderately successful high school choir experience, I only lasted a year in the SPU choir system.

In college however, I realized a new love of independent music, much to the credit of many friends and the help of the shared music network. Sadly, many SPU students have limited music selections: Third Day, Stacy Orrico, Avalon, and maybe a little Michael Buble for diversity. (insert vomit here) But, there was a group of indie-loving folks that opened my eyes to smaller labels, undiscovered bands and even some fun local groups.

Since college, I have realized my absolute passion for international music. Anything with a latin flair, and I’m a happy girl. I recently discovered a group (through the amazing outdoor concerts here in Bend) from France that hits you with equal parts latin, Yiddish, gypsy and flamenco jazziness that will blow your mind. An accordion has never rocked so hard. Les Yeux Noirs. Check them out. As you can see, I have cultivated an odd and varied taste in music over the past few years. I never thought of myself as an “art person” as some like to boast, but I can truly say that I’ve learned that music truly is an art and has the capability of speaking to me, completely altering my mood and inspiring me in many ways. I’ve needed all of those benefits dearly this last month.

So, whatever your taste – find new groups to enjoy, try some different genres, see some live shows and appreciate musicianship!
I leave you with that long list of new CDs to me:

-Splendour Hyaline (Hope, a sliver, like the moon)
-Matisyahu (Youth)
-Jonathan Lipps (Suite Apocalyptique)
-Matisyahu (Live at Stubb’s)
-The New Frontiers (EP)
-Aqualung (Strange and Beautiful)
-Miles Davis (Kind of Blue)
-Roy Orbison (Greatest Hits)
-John P Kee (Strength)
-Blue Scholars

you'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see

~Aqualung ("strange and beautiful")

I may or may not be experiencing a bout of “unrequited interest” currently...it’s kinda killing me.

Maybe it’s because I just realized I will have gone to seven weddings solo in eight months by the end of October, and several friends and family are also very close to taking “the plunge” within the next two years. This is a crazy era of my life. I have to admit, I love weddings – especially when I get to see people I haven’t talked to in years.

Last weekend was no exception: two weddings back-to-back...and yes, I managed to eat salmon and steak at both of them (now THAT’S what I call a success!) and hang out with my brother and sister in between. A busy but fantastic day. My good childhood friend, Jennifer, who I played softball with from 3rd grade through high school got married to her high school sweetheart, and being an only child, her wedding wasn’t kidding around! The wedding was at St. James Cathedral in Seattle – gorgeous. The reception was held at the Fairview Olympic Hotel (I’m told it’s the most expensive hotel in Seattle, and that’s saying a lot). Let me paint the picture for you: open bar for 250 or so people for 6 hours, unlimited wine at dinner, a fancy four-course meal, nice favors and a dance-hall dripping with roses, candles, white linens and several drunken high school friends making passes at the bridesmaids by the time dinner was over.

Essentially, this was a 5 year high school reunion for me – it included about 80% of the people I’d want to see at my actual reunion and I was so happy I had come up for it! It was unbelievably wonderful to catch up with so many friends I hadn’t spoken to for 5 years (did I mention I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people?) who had come from all over the states for Jennifer! Unfortunately, the inebriation kicked in after the dancing started and I missed out on really catching up with several people who were feeling a little too screwed up to have a normal conversation. Nevertheless, these friends astounded me! Several are in grad school, most have good jobs and have traveled and experienced neat things, and a few are already married or on their way. The level of maturity shocked me quite a bit (in a good way).

The only downer of the night? The bill for valet parking at the hotel = $24. Shit.

"I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
I've been secretly falling apart, unseen
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
I know, waiting is all you can do, Sometimes... "

But of all God’s miracles large and small, the most miraculous one of all is the one I thought could never be

~From ‘Fiddler on the Roof’

Today at church, in our continued study of the gospel of Matthew, my pastor focused in on the miracles of Christ (of which about 40 were actually documented in the Bible) and how believers can follow and respond to the Miracle Worker. Many aspects of this particular message cut me to the core. Throughout my life, I have continually struggled with the “problem of pain” as C.S. Lewis describes it – why the good suffer so often, and more than that, why we don’t see miracles today in the Holy Spirit’s presence similar to those Jesus performed during his life here on earth.

I have to admit, in my travels to do work with communities in Mexico, China and LA, I experienced God in vastly different ways than I do at “home.” I still to this day carry with me miraculous stories of safety against all odds, health when there was no good reason we shouldn’t be sick, funds and supplies appearing out of nowhere and many other experiences that were clearly not from us, but from God. However, I still struggle when attempting to compare these events to the healing of a woman by her faith when she reached out to touch Jesus’ cloak while en route to raise a 12 year old girl from the dead.

When you get down to the bare bones of miracles – Lazarus and this 12 year old girl, the woman with the hemorrhage and all the lepers and blind people Jesus healed still ultimately suffered death just as I will some day. So the miracle is not the end-all-be-all of the ministry of Christ. Of course, it’s AWESOME to imagine how quickly my faith would turn around if I saw Jesus pick a paralytic up by the hand and see him walk for the first time, and certainly the miracle of Jesus raising from the dead after being executed to cover up all the sins I commit is the pinnacle of the Christian faith. But, it isn’t the only part of the story. If you take a look at Matthew 8-9, you will see that intertwined with all the stories of healing, Jesus eats with tax collectors and sinners, challenges the Pharisees, teaches about the cost of following Him and encourages the disciples to pray for others. Jesus' ministry was focused on eternal significance, not a Band-Aid quick fix. You’ll also notice that Jesus often instructs the recipients of his physical healing power to tell no one. Now, I always thought that was strange. Jesus just did something that no one else can do, and he doesn’t want optimum props for it? What kind of man IS this?! I have heard many people explain this, and I believe the reason is that Jesus doesn’t want us to think of him as just that cool dude who makes the blind see, but rather wants us to follow him because of the spiritual healing he does in our lives, the forgiveness of sins and eternal life he can offer – and that’s the big payoff. I’m starting to see that the biggest miracle of all is the turning over of a person’s life fully to Christ, and that definitely happens in modern day!! This true love that Jesus has to offer all of us trumps even the raising of the dead. Perhaps it is too easy to see the birth of a baby, the beautiful nature all around us, compassion, kindness and health as hum-drum everyday occurrences, but I beg to differ.

I love what Philip Yancey writes on the subject:
“I readily concede that Jesus, with a few dozen healings and a handful of resurrections from the dead, did little to solve the problem of pain on this planet. That is not why he came. Nevertheless, it was in Jesus’ nature to counteract the effects of the fallen world during his time on earth....The miracles he did perform, breaking as they did the chains of sickness and death, give me a glimpse of what the world was meant to be and instill hope that one day God will right its wrongs. To put it mildly, God is no more satisfied with this earth than we are; Jesus’ miracles offer a hint of what God intends to do about it.”

This begs the question, then – what miracles have been happening in my life lately? So glad you asked...

I made it up to Mt. Bachelor park after about 18 miles of grueling climbing on my bike and didn’t die! Miracle #1.

I endured a three-day long business trip/class in Santa Barbara on Light Scattering of molecules whilst a huge forest fire raged and snowed ash down on us (so much for the beach). Miracle #2.

I am making some new friends and trying to take in as much of the beauty of Bend as I can while I live here. Miracles #3 and #4.

My perception of modern-day miracles was challenged today in such a way that I pray it will provide me the inspiration to further and deepen my identity in Christ - something I have been craving intensely. I have (thankfully) been receiving encouragement from people, experiences, long-awaited introspection, sermons and reading lately which I believe is pushing me in a new direction. Where I’m going next, I’m not sure. Timeline? No clue. But, I am realizing there’s a lot of work to do on myself in preparation for what God will hopefully drop right in my lap. May we have the drive to rejoice in the miracles and “wonders” we can see daily, but moreover I hope we realize the love of Christ and how radically that acceptance changes lives.

You turned me into somebody loved

~The Weepies (Somebody Loved - my favorite song right now)

It’s been a week since the wedding event of 2007. My brother Alan and my new sister Leah got married after a very fast 4 month engagement last Saturday. The past three months of my life have been extremely stressful for many reasons which I may blog about in the future, but suffice to say, I’m starting to feel like I’m getting my life back somewhat, just in time to realize that summer is on it's way out. At least with the wedding done and the marriage off to a good start, I feel that all the wedding craziness was well worth it. After all, Leah is awesome and I love my only brother very much.

I took seven days off of work to see my brother race (he got first in one race and qualified for nationals!) and help out as much as I could with the last-minute wedding stuff, and while I came back more tired than I was when I left Bend, it was still a great trip. I got to see many family members and old family friends I hadn’t seen in a long time, had a lot of fun hanging out with all my brother’s friends (who are extremely amazing people), and most importantly, I got to know my new sister a lot better, even in the midst of the insanity (not hers, just the whole crazy week!).

With wedding on the brain the last 3 months especially, I couldn’t help but think about what I would do if I got married, who I would invite, and all that annoying stuff I never want to think about, but just enters the brain involuntarily. After the whole experience, I have to say that eloping has moved to the top of the list! It’s amazing to me how one day of celebration can get so complicated, expensive and stressful even when most people can step outside the situation and acknowledge that the little things (and maybe some of the bigger ones) don’t and won’t matter in the long run. I have so many friends who have gotten married or have been involved with weddings and tell me the unbelievably terrible experiences they’ve had. One of my coworkers feels so negatively about weddings that she refuses to be a bridesmaid anymore and eloped with her husband to Hawaii were the law does not require witnesses at the ceremony (pretty extreme, but they were SO happy). Why do we, as Americans obsessed with putting on the best wedding and party, following silly traditions and one-upping others’ ceremonies, get so completely crazy? It’s inexplicable to me.

Regardless of the “wedding norm” and the busyness that comes with involvement in any event, I couldn’t be happier that Leah and Alan asked me to be in their wedding – it was wonderful to stand up there with them, during what was the best wedding ceremony I’ve ever been to, bar none. Even though I haven’t been around the two of them much while they’ve been together, I can tell that they love each other deeply and have such similar personalities and senses of humor that they do seem a perfect match!

A week has passed, and I’m starting to recover and get my life in order...just in time to hop a plane to Santa Barbara for my first business trip on Monday! It’s time to enjoy the rest of the summer in Bend....so I’m going to go climb 20 miles up a mountain on my bike. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Here’s to Alan and Leah and many many years of happiness and adventure!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

It’s May. I’ve been at my job for four months. You wouldn’t guess it, though. This morning I awoke and found that the rooftops in my neighborhood had a significant amount of snow on them. I always thought that spring weather in Seattle was manic, but it’s nothing compared to living in a desert! It was 76 last Friday, and it’s been snowing/raining/hailing/sunny/windy all this week.

In many ways, however, this weather suits me in my current mood and place in life. I’m up and down lately more than the Dow. I can’t explain it at all. In the last few years I have learned that I’m a person who thrives on change and new things to get excited about. So, am I reaching a point where my current state isn’t good enough any more? Most of all, I guess, I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life. I feel like my blog is a broken record, and certainly my time in Eugene, while short, showed me how much loneliness affects me. So, you’d think I’d love the fact that I have roommates and people to talk to at night. I do a lot of times, but usually I come home exhausted and just want to be quiet, watch the Colbert Report (my new favorite show), sleep or just think. Ah, the old adage: you always want what you can’t have.

In the last month I’ve started to go to a church that's close to home. I’m hopeful that I can get involved there and ideally it will be a place I can feel at home and make some new friends. I have to keep reminding myself that while I have started hanging out with a few people at work and am slowing starting to see more of Bend by bike and outings, moving to a new place where you don’t know anyone is a slow transition. How hard it can be. I sometimes wonder why I left a good group of friends and family in the first place. I took so much for granted in college – especially built-in friends all in similar places in life and all needing each other. I know it can be better than this, and maybe I’m getting there. I just need patience. And courage.

Coincidentally, today I was offered a real job at Bend Research! I guess I don’t have too much to complain about, except this terrible dichotomy of feeling like I’m working way too hard, but having a huge desire to “make data” as my cubicle-mate Steve puts it. I can’t believe they’re doing this, but they offered to pay me a real bachelor’s level salary for the next 5 months until I get my Master’s Degree, at which point they’ll pump up the compensation pretty awesomely! I had no idea that everyone at work thought I was doing so well, but this speaks volumes to the fact that working hard does indeed pay off. This is pretty cool and feels largely undeserved since I feel like I only know what I’m doing about 60% of the time and totally messed something up today J I never thought I’d stay on at my internship, but in keeping with my MO, I normally throw up my arms and say, “let’s see what happens!” and this is no exception. BRI is a fantastic place to be professionally and personally, and I have a feeling that’s extremely rare in the science realm. I feel like I’ve grown up so much in the last4 months, but I don’t know if I’m ready for 401Ks, health insurance and crazy taxes quite yet. Regardless, it’ll be a great chance to grow up more and learn how to be an adult no matter how long this chapter in my life lasts. I think in the back of my head, I always thought my mom would be sending me my health insurance card and my dad would send my car insurance cards. Oh, and then there’s the new idea of paying for all my living expenses. Budget, here I come! Maybe.

So, there have definitely been changes recently. I’m thankful that I’m starting to pull my shit together a little better and focus more on what really matters. Who knows what the next few years or even months holds for me, but I am pleased with the fact that things fall into place for me in spite of myself oftentimes. For that, I owe all the credit to God.

Oh we like sheep have gone astray

~Handel’s Messiah

What does a normally dedicated blogger do when she hasn’t blogged in 2 months? Make excuses? Talk about how busy and tired she’s been? Catch everyone up on all the crazy things that have happened in the last 8 weeks? Start from scratch? Ask a bunch of annoying questions? A little bit of everything?

The last two months have been a blur, but when I stop and try to pick out items of note, I realize that although I’m still lonely at times and feel like I do nothing but work and exercise, things are on a definite upswing. So, here we go, in rapid-fire incomplete sentences:

Worked a lot of overtime, played bball on a city league team, Kellie and Elizabeth came to visit me in Bend - awesome! (that’s about all I can remember about February), flew to Seattle for my cousin Megan’s wedding and grandpa’s 90th birthday, the next weekend drove to Seattle to fly to MAUI with my family for a glorious week-long vacation, drove back down to Bend, watched as much of March Madness as was humanly possible, had a dinner party with some friends from work, went up to Portland last weekend for cousin Chris’ 30th birthday and to see the family I spent time with in China, and last but not least, my brother and Leah got engaged on Wednesday (!!!!!)


Congrats, you two! I love ya.

So, you see...March has not been without its craziness, but I like that in a lot of ways.

Strangely, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (I know, weird, isn’t it?) this last week, and while I can’t say I’ve had tons of epiphanies, I do feel like I’m growing up and learning things daily. Some highlights:

1) gossip at work can get out of control: enough said
2) being the only single girl in my entire company is a recipe for disaster
3) my plans and ideas of what a successful, rational, fun life looks like are (and should be) much different from those I’m close to
4) I care way too much about how I look even though I don’t wear makeup
5) If this dating thing ever actually happens to me, I’m going to be terrible at it and awkward at all times
6) God is the most patient entity in existence and always will be

I have been astray for a pretty solid year now, yet God quietly waits for me to seek him with a new, fresh and dedicated passion. What is it about Lent and Easter that makes me feel such a sense of obligation and at the same time, desire, to “get right with God”? I’m not even sure if I’ve ever experienced being “right” with Him, the one whom I’ve associated my whole identity with for almost 15 years. But, do I really know Him? Good Friday has always been my yearly wake-up call, which is why I count it as the most significant day every year in my life. There are no presents, no family get-togethers, no special meals to overeat at. Just a time for me to cut through all the crap and realize how little I allow God into my life, and even knowing that would be the case almost 2000 years later in Bend, Oregon, He was tortured for hours and suffered pain worse than I will ever feel. For ME. For YOU.

I’ve been reading the gospel of John this Lenten season, and because he was an eye-witness of Jesus’ crucifixion, his account really struck me today while I read it. Mostly, chapter 17 of John just blows me away. Jesus, in all his fear and anxiety about what is about to happen to him, spends a long time praying for his disciples and believers in the future. That’s me and you again. Selflessness, humility, unconditional love. That’s Jesus, and that’s a tough act to follow.

In this time of Easter celebration and remembrance, may you, no matter who you are or what you believe, realize how much Jesus loved you back when he died for you 2000 years ago and felt every crappy and horrible thing that has ever happened in your life. That’s a God worth giving my whole life to, and even though He knows and I know I’ll never be perfect, the desire to seek, learn and love is what He asks me for.

“’[I pray] for those who believe in Me...I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me.’” ~John 17:20-23

I’d do almost anything that you want me to do....but I can’t go for that - no can do

~Hall and Oates

For some unknown reason, I found myself singing this wonderful Hall and Oates song while in lab today. Then, I thought: perfect title for my next blog!

It’s February. How’d that happen? I just finished my first full month as a working girl and I’m exhausted. How do people do this their whole lives?! At the same time, I’ve got to be one of the luckiest people to be working and living where I am, so I just need to ramp up on the energy...maybe when it warms up and I shake this little cold.

This whirlwind of a month has taught me a ton about Chemistry, life and the working world. In a measly 4 weeks, I have been taught to basically do everything that my fundamentals group does (which encompasses about a third of the 120 employees at my site). I guess that makes me valuable, right? It is a cool feeling to know how to do things that most of my coworkers don’t know, but then I’m always put in my place by those blasted “intern” comments. “You’re an intern, Katie...that means you’re dispensable” said Jeff the NMR specialist today at work with a big grin. I think I’m starting to get some respect and thus gain some independence in all I do, but it’s made for a BUSY last two weeks when I do a little bit of 5 or 6 other people’s jobs. I did get my own desk this week, which has been a great change and a way to get to know some awesome people!

What do I do at Bend Research, you may wonder? Or actually, you may not. Pharmaceutical research is more confidential than I expected, so I can’t say much, but I will say that other than synthesizing drug delivery system polymer components, I do a lot of drinking free beverages from work, applying and reapplying lotion 35 times a day, wishing that all my very attractive male coworkers weren’t married, hauling 3 1-gallon bottles of hazardous waste to the outdoor shed over and over again (real fun on days when it’s sub-20 F in Bend), joking around with coworkers, breaking glassware in lab (a 4-L beaker and two grad cylinders this week...whoopsie), doing dishes in an extremely scary anomaly called a ‘base bath’ (pH 14 bath that will dissolve virtually anything but the glass itself), wondering if the guy who re-stocks our beverage fridges has a crush on me, and apparently garnering a reputation for calling the newest hire a douche bag...

It’s been a great experience so far, but I have found that the whole corporate-world really bothers me. Kissing-ass and saying the right things at the right time (what the boss wants to hear) have never been my strong points, and always make me feel like a greasy businessperson. I prefer honesty and questions in meetings rather than pretending that everything is great and you aren’t wasting your time. But, at the same time, I’m hoping I get offered a job in 8 months, so maybe I should just shut my mouth unless I have a damn good idea. This could be difficult. :)

Interestingly, my group is known as the harcore beer-drinking crew, and I went along last week and had an amazing stout that even my mother could have handled (coffee and chocolate flavors), so maybe I can even learn to like beer! It’s a stretch, but I’m game for pretty much anything...

But Bud Light? I can’t go for that – no can do.