Angel, you were born to fly

When I grow up, I want to be a forester and run through the moss in high heels

2011-02-18T10:03:00.001-08:00

~Fever Ray (When I Grow Up)

I happened upon this Swedish singer this week, and am mesmerized by the song and the video, so I knew I had to share.

When I Grow Up from Fever Ray on Vimeo.

Then, when you're done with that, listen to a cover of the song by my current favorite group, First Aid Kit, a sister-duo from Sweden. They rule.

I find a fatal flaw in the logic of love

2011-01-30T18:38:00.000-08:00

~Gone for Good; The Shins

If you searched the term "unrequited love" in the encyclopedia, I'm sure my picture would grace the page. I've never been "good" at relationships: unconfident at times, deeply frightened by rejection and often so concerned with preserving friendship that I am unwilling to "risk it." Textbook chick-flick movie.

And by that I mean I've had almost zero experience and am pretty pathetic. I spent countless hours in college pining over the man I thought was "the one," only to realize he had a girlfriend, wasn't interested, or, most commonly, was a total douche. So, then I would foolishly move on to the next "one," all the while being nagged by the traditional character on my shoulder trying to convince me that I just HAD to find a husband in college or I'd be an old-maid forever. You know the one. We even read a book my freshman year called "Lady in Waiting" (when I look back upon that time in my life, I just want to barf).

None of those "ones" were, actually, "the one."

Since college, a new character has slowly emerged on the opposite shoulder. It attempts to convince me to love my life, and embrace adventure, spontaneity, challenge, learning, serving and creativity no matter what "season" I find myself in. Not in a spirit of waiting or pity, but in a full-court-press of living life with no regrets. I appreciate this new character infinitely more than the other one, but I often see myself beginning to believe the coaxing of the more traditional voice. I see so many friends happily married (and having kids - though the thought of bearing children absolutely horrifies me) to a companion that will travel with them through life and brings a new intimacy and perspective into their lives that they have yet to experience. Of course, those are not the only reasons to commit to a marriage partner, and those descriptors are certainly not limited to a marriage relationship, but I find myself desiring these things above all others currently.

This blog post is coming from a place of complete exhaustion on the topic, as the last year has been a challenging one for my emotions related to both work and relationships. Of the men I thought might be possibilities for more than friendship in my life the past year or so, one came out recently, another became engaged, and two all but rejected me and immediately starting dating other people. I know "that's life," and I'm not alone, but it's been fairly rapid-fire, so I find myself somewhat fragile currently.

Friends and family try to offer suggestions ("just put yourself out there," "go to bars/concerts/church more," "don't wear heels," and, of course, "have you thought about online dating?"), yet, I strongly believe that there is a large portion of love that is a complete crap-shoot. Timing, age, maturity, work, school, location, emotional stability, future plans, flexibility and readiness are all huge factors that, if not similar between partners at one specific moment in time, will wreak havoc on a potential relationship. Perhaps my mindset is coming from a place of denial, but, believing that the "problem" of singleness (I hate to call it that, because I love it most of the time) is not solely a "problem" with me is the only way I will survive.

I have spent more time than I wish to sum or disclose trying to deduce what I'm doing "wrong" - am I too outspoken? am I too smart? am I too sarcastic? am I too tall? - and I usually conclude that, though my list of descriptors may be unique and unusual, I am proud of who I am becoming and would not change myself for anyone even if I could. It may take time, but wouldn't it be far worse to settle, or waste my life complaining, worrying and woe-is-me-ing? I think so.

So, this is not meant to be a woe-is-me posting or a pity-party, but, more accurately, an honest and public assessment of my current thinking on the subject for my eyes and anyone else who finds themselves in a similar place. Sometimes it's important and therapeutic for me to record snapshots of my life on this blog so that I can reflect on my growth and, at the same time, forge ahead boldly into my one, wild and precious life!

Update:
Meanwhile, an insightful article to ponder.

All Delighted People Raise Their Hands!

2010-12-31T17:18:00.000-08:00

~Sufjan Stevens (All delighted people)

This year has been, unsurprisingly, a whirlwind. So much so that it’s difficult for me to quickly pinpoint the highs and lows. Amidst worldwide turmoil and tragedy, it always feels a little narcissistic to look back and evaluate our years with a giant, broad-sweeping thumb-up or thumb-down as if a year can be reduced to that. Did we have success? What does that even mean? Did we love, laugh and have adventure? Did we learn new things? Did we take care of ourselves? Did we waste too much time on the computer? I always end up feeling I could have done better in every category, which is probably normal, and, though I eschew New Year’s Resolutions (because even the best laid plans for me are difficult to follow through with when the rubber meets the road), it is fun to think about general goals and dream about the year to come. As a teacher, it seems more natural to do this in August than December, but c’est la vie.

This year began with barista-me cursing every rich non-tipper in an outdoor stand at a mall (in the winter) and ended with me a full-time, salaried and benefitted high school teacher in one of the best first teaching jobs I could have asked for. Along the road there was a brutal, but valuable, four months of student teaching to finish my second master’s degree, a month-long jury duty service during my summer “break”, two outstanding and unique weddings of two dear cousins in opposite corners of the US (and five other awesome weddings), four trips to Portland (which restored my sanity) and lots and lots of grading and planning and teaching. There were definite joys and deep pains, as we all experience in our years, but, compared to the train-wreck that was 2009, this past year can be credited with Katie getting her groove back, which is probably the best gift of all.

As is customary, I bought a LOT of music this year. A lot. Sometimes it’s easier to reflect upon and remember my year through the music that was most dear to me, and this year is no exception. Every year, I hear about music through different avenues. In 2006, for example, a road trip to Ashland, Oregon with the illustrious Kellie and Kristin introduced me to The Flaming Lips and Sufjan Stevens, and 2008, the year I worked as camp grandmother with a bunch of youngins, I heard Bon Iver and Beirut for the first time. La Blogotheque and random whims at the library were my main sources for new tunes in 2009, and this year was the year of experimentation with $5 downloadable albums on Amazon (mostly successfully) and KEXP songs of the day.

Small, yet fun and significant, memories come flooding back to me when I remember patronizing the Hawthorne Fred Meyer in Portland this summer with the amazing Katie V to buy the new Arcade Fire album and then listening to it all the way back home and all the way to Kansas City to visit my friend Adam the next week. Or, the time Max played Local Natives for me while we worked behind the coffee bar at a live music show at QCafe. During a hot summer day’s lunch break from jury duty, I ran into Mt St Helens Vietnam Band (hailing from my college) across the street at city hall performing, and I even (sortof) met the lead singer of the National at my cousin’s wedding in Massachusetts this July and proceeded to fall in love with their new album (and the Bloodbuzz Ohio music video that was shot in part by cousin). Phantogram, Caribou and Gorillaz were some of my main choices for “pump-up” music on the dark, cold, dismal fall mornings as I drove to work at 6:30am wondering if I could muster any enthusiasm for the day. Perhaps the highlight of my music year was having my mind blown at the Sufjan Stevens concert in October with my high school buddy Kelly. Too much awesome to describe. Sufjan was a staple of the end of my undergrad years and it was a definite bucket list experience to see him live. So, I suppose, when viewed through the lens of my music purchases, this year sounds better than I remembered at first blush! Below is the list of this year’s purchases (with special * for the ones I highly recommend):
________________________________________

Neutral Milk Hotel – In the Aeroplane over the Sea
Foals – Antidotes *, Total Life Forever
Beach House – Teen Dream *
Neon Indian – Psychic Chasms
Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
National – High Violet *
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros – Self-titled
Sufjan Stevens – The Age of Adz, All Delighted People EP *
Belle & Sebastian – If You’re Feeling Sinister
David Grey - Foundling
Mt St Helens Vietnam Band – Self-titled, Where Messengers Meet
Caribou – Swim *
Menomena – Mines
Phantogram – Eyelid Movies
Ray LaMontagne – Til the Sun Turns Black
Arcade Fire – The Suburbs *
Bon Iver – Blood Bank
The Smiths – The Sound of the Smiths
Camera Obscura – Underachievers Please Try Harder, Let’s Get Out of This Country
the dodos – Visiter *
Gorillaz – Plastic Beach
Broken Bells - Self-titled
Local Natives – Gorilla Manor
Yeasayer – Odd Blood
Grizzly Bear – Veckatimest *
Vampire Weekend – Contra
500 Days of Summer Soundtrack
_________________________________________

Narcissism fin.

I wish you a happy, healthy, meaningful and adventurous year filled with learning, growing and standing up for what you believe in! Happy 2011.

turn your frown into a smile, come and listen for a while

2010-10-17T23:40:00.001-07:00

~ Jim Noir

Mary Oliver's poems just may save my sanity: beautiful, serene and poignant.

Recently, in the overwhelming profession I now am a part of, I get down...really down. They say teaching gives you the highest highs and lowest lows, but the highs are worth it. So far, I agree, but my perfectionism coupled with living in the suburbs away from friends and any semblance of social life has a tendency to make things look a little bleak. But, it's okay. I will keep calm and carry on, as the famous WWII poster from the UK says.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

i got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips

2010-08-04T15:49:00.000-07:00

Though I saw this last month, I thought I would share one of the funnier moments I've seen on TV in a while (truly, endearingly cute, not funny in the sad/pathetic manner, which has become endemic...but, darnit, I just had to watch the finale of the Bachelorette):

The setting: Kids Jeopardy (probably 10-13 years old)
The question: (I'm paraphrasing) "This extremely popular pop singer says 'If you like it,' then you should do this.
The answer from a young, african-american tweener (who went on to dominate and win): "What is put a ring on it, Alex?"

If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some fiber optics in your hair

2010-06-07T21:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I had the pleasure of traveling to the Bay area for the wedding of my cousin and her awesome husband! They are such a rad, unique couple, and their wedding weekend evinced that. Because the are loved by many throughout the country, I got to meet some really neat folks: a judge, an arialist, several scientists, a child abuse prosecuter, the Wyoming Superintendant of Public Education, and many more!

The weekend boasted hanging out at their new house on the roofdeck for an awesome BBQ, sunburns, plenty of sun for my gray Seattle-soul, getting wildly confused by driving around the Bay area, a drive to Stanford for family reminiscing time, and, most importantly, one of the most fun wedding evenings I have had the pleasure of taking part in.

One of my cousins made my cousin's dress - themed after some chick in Legend of the Seeker - and it was amazing. She also bought fiber optic hair clips, which added generously to the splendor. The best part was that the bride (being the brilliant physicist that she is), sewed LEDs into her dress with conducting thread (my nerdy-soul sings!) for that extra oomf. Unfortunately, right before the ceremony, one row of the lights shorted out, prompting a delayed ceremony and the mother of the bride (my aunt) getting my nod for quote of the night:

"She's got a short circuit. She has to be the only bride in history to be delayed by electronics!"

And thus began a great night. The groom told the story of how they met (10 years ago) and highlighted milestones from their relationship with stories and readings read by friends. Very nice touch. After vows and signing the marriage license, it was time to party.

And party we did. Cocktail hour, then a brilliant dinner with homemade wine made by my uncle, a little red velvet cake and then it was time for dancing. I absolutely love to dance (whether alcohol is involved or not), and I find weddings to be the best sketch-free opportunity to be silly and have fun with family and friends. At this point, people's inhibitions were pretty low, and we had a great time. My cousins who refuse to dance, my brother and sister-in-law and my PARENTS all made cameo appearances on the dance floor - amazing! A couple of my cousins were particularly intoxicated, which made the evening that much more entertaining and memorable.

All in all, a fantastic time of hilarity, family, celebration and love. From time to time, I find myself naysaying marriage and life-partnership, but on a day like yesterday, one can find no fault in it.

say my name, say my name

2010-06-02T19:01:00.000-07:00

Klugosaur
Klugotron
Freddy Klugger
Ms. Awesome
Ms. K
Mrs. KLLOOOOOOOG (one student yells this in a high pitch whenever he sees me...today, he followed this up with a handshake)

My students have all sorts of fun names for me. Of course, being called "Mrs." is annoying, but other than that, I love what they've come up with. Oh, the creativity.

I'm going to miss these kids so much.

are you not the same as you used to be?

2010-05-29T14:15:00.000-07:00

I'm currently in the final sprint of my student teaching experience and, thus, I have been very absent from this blog (I have four others, you see), but will make a triumphant return and update the blogosphere about the hardest experience of my life to date quite soon!

In the meantime, while juggling my internship, I've had some interesting experiences relationship-wise (or lack thereof, as it were), and this, one of my favorites by Beach House, has been rattling around in my mind. Enjoy, and perhaps I'll be less cryptic next time.

Used to Be
Beach House

"You are coming home, are you still alone, are you not the same as you used to be?
As the sun grows high and you serve your time, does each day just feel like another lie?
Now you know, is it just for show, just a foolish game that you hide behind?
Don't forget the nights when it all felt right, are you not the same as you used to be?
Used to be

In an endless night, could you feel the fright of an age that was and could never be?
So we hold it close when we feel the most like a love that we could not leave behind
Turn the wheel to each way we feel til I'm lost and I cannot find you there
Don't forget the nights when it all felt right, are you not the same as you used to be?
Used to be

Coming home any day now"

See them perform it live on La Blogotheque, my source for all things new music:

When you kill it is justice

2010-04-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

You set yourself above
That all forgiving god
You claim that you believe in
Your kind is gonna fall
Your ship is sinking fast
And all your able men are leaving

Only someone
Who's morally
Superior can possibly
And honestly deserve
To rule my world

I talk before I think
You shoot before you know
Who's in your line of fire
So somehow we're the same
We're causing people pain
But I stand and take the blame
You scramble to the night

Only someone
Who's morally
Superior can possibly
And honestly deserve
Only someone
Who's morally
Superior can possibly
And honestly deserve

To rule my world

Explain me one more time
When they kill it's a crime
When you kill it is justice

~Kings of Convenience (Rule My World)

It takes a lot of nerve to destroy this wondrous earth

2010-03-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

~Bowerbirds (In Our Talons)

In class today (oh yeah, by the way, I started student teaching 2 weeks ago! I'm keeping an anonymous blog detailing my experiences, so give me a shout if you'd like the url...), my mentor teacher tried to make acid/base equilibrium more tangible by relating it to acid rain and smog. Possibly something that should have been happening while teaching concepts the students were constantly wondering why they needed to learn, but interesting nonetheless.

While we were talking about the significant impact of the pH lowering of the ocean from 8.1 to 8.2 (a big deal, by the way) because of acid rain, the topic of crustacean shell dissolution arose. If you're not a chemist, you may not know that sea shells (crab, mussel, etc) are made of calcium carbonate (just like Tums), so act as a "base" to neutralize the acid rain that falls in the ocean...current end result = thinner shells, future end result = no tasty shrimps. So, just like everything in environmental chemistry, it's a HUGE ISSUE and steps must be taken to SLOW the damage (you cannot reverse it), but because it isn't life-threatening to us, we get complacent...especially the politicians who have to think about money too.

I could go on and on and on. Such important stuff.

Anyhow, the back-row crew in 3rd period (some of my favorite students...the witty, silly boys that are really capable but just need a little direction and a little less socializing) started discussing vegetarians on the topic of losing our pals in the oceans:

J: "No MEAT?! I love meat. I don't understand how ANYONE could be a vegetarian." (at which point I started paying attention for fun)
K: "Yeah, seriously."
J: "I mean, really. C'mon. I couldn't live!"
Me: (catching J's eye and pointing to myself and mouthing "I am")
J: "YOU ARE?! ... Guys, Ms Klug's a vegetarian!"
A: "No WAY! Klugster?! That surprises me."

Klugster. I love my students. Of course, I was outed as a pescatarian (while I was teaching the final period of the day so my mentor teacher could get some stuff done) when I said, "no shrimp would be so sad...they're so tasty."

I've noticed a few things already (that I sort of already knew, but I'm being reminded of more now that I'm in this weird limbo between grad school and actually having my own classroom): 1) I get along with/teach/relate to the boys way better than the girls and that's not a good thing, 2) I can't shove my ethics of environmental stewardship (or any other thing I'm passionate about) down these kids' throats. I mean, I can try to be a positive influence in this area, but ultimately these kids have to be convicted themselves, be that in my class or afterwards. I have to remember that I was a crazy conservative in high school and kids need time to think through what they "believe" as they grow up and mature.

I was even more convinced that my lack of land-animal eating is the right move when I researched today and found that each cow in the world releases roughly the same amount of greenhouse gases (through belching and farting) daily as the average car! Did you know methane is about 23% times more harmful of a greenhouse gas than CO2 (a main gas given off from our cars)?! Also, a funny but interesting fact: in 2003, New Zealand tried to implement a "flatulence tax," but it didn't go through. I love it.

Enough about gas...

I want to live where soul meets body

2010-02-22T00:07:00.000-08:00

~Death Cab for Cutie ("Soul Meets Body")

"It's amazing how we think technology is so amazing, but we don't realize our bodies are even more complex," exclaimed my friend as we left the BODIES exhibit this afternoon.

For two hours, my two friends and I were astonished by the intricasies, sizes, shapes and functions of the human body. In some ways, I wish there had been more (the display in Seattle currently is a smaller collection than was here a few years ago, I think), but, as it was, I learned and saw an amazing amount. Of course, my friends would tell you I was more interested in how the human bodies were preserved than how they really function, but hey, I'm a polymer chemist! Though, I have to admit my favorite part of the display was seeing the central/peripheral nervous system nerves fibers that are usually housed within the spinal column - they look like a bunch of tiny ropes that are encased to make one big rope. So cool!

I realized a few things about myself and life while I was there and as I reflected on what I saw as I rode the bus home.

1. I will definitely donate my body to science when I die (I mean, the thought of your body being sawed into cross sections and cast in a polymer is awesome, right?)
2. I don't remember anything from middle/high-school biology classes regarding anatomy and it's really embarrassing. REALLY.
3. The female reproductive organs are TINY.
4. I spend way too much time worrying about the machinery (i.e. my appearance and fitness) and far too little time pondering how I may use myself for the good of others (and then acting on it, of course).
5. We are all so similar at the most fundamental levels. Beauty has nothing to do with one's bone structure, hairlessness, perfect skin or weight. (Not that I didn't know this already, but it's always such a good reminder to look past the packaging.)

These last two years have been rough in many ways, but I'm so ready to move beyond the focus (whether negative or positive) on myself and finally take part in the service I feel I was created for. It's been a long road, but student teaching starts in one week, so I'm slowly getting there. I'm nervous, but I've got a sense that I will be okay even though I'm fully aware I will make embarrassing mistakes, have bad days and be humbled to my core. Knowing that there is a purpose to life is simultaneously the most comforting and scary reality imaginable.

If anything, that's what I was truly led to today; our bodies are so fascinating, intricate, detailed and awe-inspiring, it's hard to believe that there is no reason we are on this earth. May we use every day we have to encourage, love, give, build others up, learn and enjoy the heck out of what we've been given!

I'm on a relatively new quest to learn something new everyday (which I may start to post here...maybe), and today certainly did not disappoint. I leave you with a few interesting facts:
1. Every drop of blood in your body passes through your heart every 60 seconds.
2. Your small intestine is 9 ft long.
3. You have over 100,000 miles of blood vessels in your body.
4. Scientists don't know why people yawn.
5. At 9 weeks, an embryo is about the size of a quarter; at 20 weeks, it's big mango-ish sized (my analogies based on what I saw).
6. You have huge, thin tendons covering your abdominal, back and outer thighs.
7. Embalming fluid has wintergreen essential oil in it (to mask the smell).
8. Babies leave behind some of their cells in the mother when they are born, which apparently gives the mother some health advantages for up to 10 years (further proof that gestation = aliens).
9. Your butt muscles are the biggest ones in your body.
10. Babies are born with 300 bones; Adults only have 209 (still trying to work that one out in my head).
11. Your skin cells replace themselves every month; your bone cells are replaced every three years!

And we’re dancing, early hours drunken days finally ended, and the streets turn for pillowcase

2010-01-27T23:16:00.000-08:00

~Animal Collective "In the flowers"

Today has been a day full of intense and varied emotion. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to write tonight when I have so many other important and heavy things to get out on "paper" that have been rattling around in my brain this last month, but, hey, it's my blog. Here it comes.

A beautiful, cold, winter day in Seattle began earlier than normal as fog and the rising sun greeted me on my way to work. Moments later, I was on my way to Seattle to care for the fantastic feline and feeling surprisingly contented. While trying to take care of some important homework (and more important emails), the cat attempted to outcompete my laptop for the prime position. He lingered there for a while, snuggling with me as if I was his best friend. I am terrible with animals, yet this little bugger sat on me and made me feel strangely special for a few moments. Then he went to lay in the sun while cleaning himself and farting all at the same time - a talented one! Excitement came quickly upon receiving a text message from a great friend whom I've lost touch with recently asking for my address for his impending nuptials! What a blessed time of life to be able to celebrate such joys with friends and family.

After a disappointing mini-lesson in class, I sought solace in the gym, where I saw several former students, some former classmates and chatted with a current peer. I love chance meetings and conversations in random places (picture me in an old gym with maybe one other girl and about 20 dudes, all trying to bulk up and one-up each other - this is why I take my glasses off) and memories that there are people in my life who I have impacted, can still impact and can learn much from. My male classmate and I sat on neighboring weight machines and discussed society's role in gender stereotyping and negative body image. I'm sure the beefcakes all around us thought it a strange venue for such a topic. As I exited the gym, I found a message from my sister telling me that the church she (and my brother) are in the throes of planting was given the green-light, even in the midst of an unfortunate stance recently taken by the denomination on sexual orientation. Leah said it best in her text: "God is good!!!" I am ecstatic to join a new church community where all are truly welcome and affirmed; where community and service are actions and life-trajectories, not merely theory.

Feeling some clarity and appreciating the effect of the endorphins, I returned to the feline and my temporary home to pour a glass of Riesling and relax. Imagine my surprise when I found pictures online of my good friend and her brand new baby born today - a week early! I was barely holding back tears as I saw an amazing photographic progression from the door of their home in Panama this morning to the hospital for the birth, the tears and the sheer joy. Birth, while something I feel no desire to experience, is inexplicably incredible even from the onlooker's point of view. The transformation of body, relationship and life is something I'll never quite understand. Powerful, indeed.

Beauty, celebration, humility, joy, excitement, peace and acceptance. What a day.

I'm weary with my former toil, here I will sit and rest a while

2009-12-26T22:11:00.000-08:00

This December, I had a very tough time getting into the "Christmas spirit." There were many reasons for this (having mostly to do with a rough year and working at a mall), but for the first time in my life, I found I didn't really care that Christmas was coming and didn't want to listen to Christmas music, save thinking about Advent. However, I went caroling with some friends in downtown Seattle a couple weekends ago and finally allowed the true message and impact of Christmas to permeate my pessimism and disappointment. There really is a big difference between secular and sacred Christmas music!
I found myself clinging these last two weeks to one of my all-time favorite Christmas CDs that my parents own by the King's College Choir of Cambridge. The beautiful delivery of such meaningful and powerful music was exactly what my weary soul needed this year. I truly pray that your Christmas will not end today, but will continue all year long through the expression of selflessness, love, empathy, humility, passion, friendship and peace. These are the lessons Christ teaches me by example and the reason I celebrate His birth, life and sacrifice. Merry Christmas.
Jesus Christ the Apple Tree

The tree of life my soul hath seen
Laden with fruit and always green
The tree of life my soul hath seen
Laden with fruit and always green
The trees of nature fruitless be
Compared with Christ the apple tree

His beauty doth all things excel
By faith I know but ne'er can tell
His beauty doth all things excel
By faith I know but ne'er can tell
The glory which I now can see
In Jesus Christ the apple tree.

For happiness I long have sought
And pleasure dearly I have bought
For happiness I long have sought
And pleasure dearly I have bought
I missed of all but now I see
'Tis found in Christ the apple tree.

I'm weary with my former toil
Here I will sit and rest a while
I'm weary with my former toil
Here I will sit and rest a while
Under the shadow I will be
Of Jesus Christ the apple tree.

This fruit doth make my soul to thrive
It keeps my dying faith alive
This fruit doth make my soul to thrive
It keeps my dying faith alive
Which makes my soul in haste to be
With Jesus Christ the apple tree.

I need a hero!

2009-12-24T00:21:00.000-08:00

~Bonnie Tyler (Holding out for a Hero)

I thought it was going to be a boring, cold evening at the "office" tonight. I was sorely mistaken.

Before I present the insane story that is about to follow, let me preface by saying I've been losing things (in addition to my mind) a lot lately. I always get so mad at myself and nostalgic when I lose something, but then am hit over the head every time with the reality that stuff doesn't matter as much as it seems to that minute you realize you lost your favorite antique earrings (that happened to me in DC this year). It's just stuff.

Try telling that to yourself when your purse gets stolen two days before Christmas.

My part-time job in between teaching at SPU and teaching at God-knows-where high school next year is the ever-revered position of the barista (aka helpless punching bag for picky folks) at a new, very swanky, mall in the area. Outdoors. In the winter. It's really an amazing experience selling coffee to people who just spent $1000+ on shoes but don't tip me. But I digress.

I finished my last break tonight in our storage room and headed back out to face the cold and lack of customers. I was getting settled and went to turn on my heater when I saw a lady casually strolling out of our storage room. At first I figured she might have thought it was a store-front (as many do), but the fact that she had been inside made me a little nervous, so I quickly went to check on my belongings.

Sure enough, my bag was gone. *Expletives streaming through my mind as I try to figure out what to do* Getting something stolen is an extremely helpless feeling, I learned tonight. I also found that adrenaline enables me to run about 250% of my normal sprinting speed.

For a short moment, I was contemplating finding this lady on my own and channeling Chuck Norris on her ass, but luckily as I ran through the thin crowds of high-class shoppers to ask the concierge to radio security, she wasn't anywhere to be seen. I truly have no idea what I would have done if I found her on my own.

The security guys and I happen to converge outside an employee corridor, and while I'm semi-coherently explaining what happened, a lady who matches the perp's description exits the employee door. Peculiar. And what does she do? Goes to my espresso cart to buy a coffee from me! I swear, you can't make this stuff up! I pointed to her and told the security guy that she might be the one, so he went to ask her a few questions. Meanwhile, the rest of security shows up and we start talking about what happened in front of this lady, and somehow in the mayhem, she again just slowly strolls away. The security supervisor follows her off the property, I call 911 for the first time in my life, and one of my security friends goes to try to see if the perp stashed my bag anywhere. He finds it quickly with everything in it! This totally does not compute (and still doesn't really). My wallet was open, and the cash had been taken out, but I found it in another part of the bag. Wait, really? Even I wouldn't be that crappy of a criminal. Thankfully she was!

The police officer that showed up was amazing. She was so nice and didn't make me feel like a total douche for calling 911 when nothing was *actually* stolen. Apparently, someone has been stealing from employees down the street at another mall (oh Bellevue, how you have been corrupted!), so they were happy to have the chance to get an ID on this lady. The perp ended up coming back into the mall and wandering around the parking garage (safe to say she wasn't "all there"), where she quickly admitted everything to the security guards and police when they started questioning her. Drunk and looking to steal money for rent from rich patrons of this mall. Not the best idea. Especially because the only cash I had was in Washingtons and Abes.

Such drama I would never have imagined for my evening, but at least that last hour of work was entertaining! I can laugh now because all is well, but if my bag and its contents were not with me tonight, my tune would be much different. I don't consider myself super materialistic, but as much as it sucks to have possessions stolen, it's worse that I know I would freak out so much over losing my ipod or some cash.

An interesting perspective especially as Christmas draws near at break-neck speed. Perhaps I should try to think less about those CDs I'm hoping I'll unwrap in a few hours and more about how my life is changed daily by the people I come in contact with, my union with the confusing yet loving and mystical God, and love that makes no rational sense yet exists everywhere if we just keep our eyes open.

I want a girl who uses a machete to cut through red tape

2009-11-16T21:33:00.000-08:00

~Cake ("short skirt long jacket")

So often as a girl in the Christian church, you get told "you should be a Proverbs 31 kind of woman when you grow up." THEN a man will want you. THEN you'll be worthy. To be honest, if the Proverbs 31 woman was real, she was a pretty outstanding human being: serving family, the poor, the needy, working diligently, evincing her strength, intelligence and ingenuity daily through her actions and words.

But, does this passage do damage? Maybe not to some. Yet, to a little girl growing up moritified that her future was predestined to be filled with marriage, babies, submission and house cleaning - for that is the only useful and intended employment of the woman - this passage induced even more anxiety for me. I'm not perfect. Never have been. I argue, I change my mind a lot, I have my lazy moments, I have big dreams, I'm hairy and tall, I don't think I want kids, I like to cook and clean sometimes but certainly not daily: who's going to love that?

Books like the ever-frustrating "Lady in Waiting" told me that I had to become the princess worthy of the prince of my dreams. Worthy. There's that pesky word again. Are these books meant to make the (Christian) woman feel so crappy about herself that she seeks a man to save her from her agony and self-doubt who leads, controls and aligns with other traditional male gender roles so she can pump out babies and casseroles while never having an original opinion again because her prince of a husband takes care of the thinking and decision making for her?

I come across as a raging bitch here, when I am not intending to. I have numerous friends whose marriages are pretty darn traditional and they're happy and fulfilled. It works for some, but not all, and that's my point. If there's anything I've learned in my 20s, it's that everyone is an individual and I'm done putting people in a box (or allowing myself to be placed in one). These past few years have been unbelievably difficult yet freeing, painful yet abounding in joy, for I have confronted almost everything I used to believe through the lens of the Lord's heart for peace, justice, mercy and love. A lot of things have changed because of that, including my views and desires concerning marriage, gender and the future. It's worth the wait to find someone who jives with the person you are and want to continue to become on your life-long journey. Maybe I'll never find him, and that's okay. Forget this crap about losing hope of finding a spouse past 30 or about not being able to truly live life to its fullest as a single person. That's malarky (yes, I just said malarky) and I pray you don't buy into it. And, may I remind all of us; no one is perfect or worthy.

These thoughts were randomly conjured up in my mind tonight as Cake's ever-catchy and strange song played on my drive home from school. I was laughing, thinking, were they paraphrasing Proverbs here?

"I want a girl who gets up early,

I want a girl who stays up late.

I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity

who uses a machete to cut through red tape.

With fingernails that shine like justice

and a voice that is dark like tinted glass.

She is fast, and thorough and sharp as a tac,

she is touring the facility and picking up slac.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket."

Boy, would I like to know what justice shines like. I think I like this image infinitely more than Proverbs 31 - this girl has some serious edge, knows success, fights for justice and speaks her mind. At least that's what I get out of it.

Here's to having standards and not settling, knowing and loving yourself, becoming a better person for the sake of the world - not just your imagined future spouse - and moving forward with LIFE, passion and calling no matter what season you find yourself in.

more than fine

2009-10-27T22:03:00.001-07:00

One of my TAs last year has this as her profile picture on Facebook and I just had to share:

"It was then that I sutured you"

I wonder if Thomas Kinkade has forged into new territory...

Edit: I was laughing about this with this lady's boyfriend and he made it even better by saying "not to mention Jesus' sterile technique is awful!" hilarity.

when you fell, you fell toward me

2009-10-11T19:48:00.000-07:00

~Barcelona (please don't go)

One of my pastors played this video at church today as an example of the beauty of the vast creation on this earth. At first, I thought "what's the big deal?" (and, I have to admit, it looked a little CGI to me), even though it features my favorite song by the band Barcelona, who went to my college and graduated the same year I did (claim to fame!). But, then, remembering tonight amidst hardcore stress (and procrastination, obviously) that it was a very calm video, I thought I'd look it up on the interwebs.

Kuroshio Sea - 2nd largest aquarium tank in the world - (song is Please don't go by Barcelona) from Jon Rawlinson on Vimeo.

What I have found, after watching it a couple more times and learning more about this aquarium in Japan, is peace, amazement (in the creatures themselves, the technological feat of such a huge single sheet of acrylic glass and in how a video shot in such a manner can be so impacting), and interest in how I seem to miss out on some huge internet sensations (this video itself has been viewed almost 4 million times, and it's only been posted since July!).

Coincidentally, I've experienced the same feeling twice this week: the other was The Office wedding episode (one of the best ever, in my opinion) where they mimic the "wedding dance" video that was all the rage this summer (29 million views since July! crazy.)...which I also hadn't seen. I need to get with the program! Or maybe I don't. I keep wondering if I'm going to have to care more about pop culture when I'm a high school teacher or just forget completely trying to be "now" and just be myself - you know, the one who doesn't listen to the radio, barely watches TV and doesn't care about sports that much anymore.

As a general rule, I avoid paying money and spying on animals/sealife in forced captivity, but I have a strange desire to go to Japan now... Random factoid: this is the second largest aquarium in the world. Where is the largest? Dubai, of course, in a mega-mall: 12 million square feet and 1,200 stores. Yikes.

Whatever. Just watch the video.

Be prepared to be surprised

2009-08-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

~Sondre Lerche "To be surprised"

I just watched Dan in Real Life for the second time tonight (thanks to Netflix and their instant movie streaming!), and I concluded I love this movie.

First, I want to be Juliet Binoche. She always plays such quality, strong, smart characters with fantastic style (one of my favorite movies is Chocolat, in which she is outstanding). Secondly, I do love Steve Carrell, and it's fun to see him in a serious role in "real life."

But, mostly, I love this movie because it's about a less-than-perfect family. Most of my favorite movies deal in some way with dysfunctional families coming together, working through tremendous shit, or just being a family in the midst of the turbulence of life. Nothing makes me want to have kids except watching movies like Dan in Real Life and The Family Stone.

I've also been stumbling upon some amazing music/musicians in movies lately. Alexi Murdoch in Away We Go, DeVotchKa in Little Miss Sunshine (to name just a few), and now Sondre Lerche and the Faces Down, a band from Norway, who did the soundtrack for this movie. Very good - Check it out!

That's it, really, I guess. Nothing too profound and/or depressing (for once!). I really appreciate the lyrics to the closing song in the movie ("Modern Nature"):

"You'll just have to wait and see: if things go right, we're meant to be!"

Now THAT would be a healthy way to view relationships!

We are just breakable breakable breakable girls and boys

2009-08-11T00:30:00.000-07:00

~Ingrid Michaelson "Breakable"

My life has been filled with an inexplicable passion for perfection. Perhaps it's my competitive nature, the influence of my family, the inexecutable messages of society, or simply my drive to succeed. Hopefully, it's my intrinsic motivation to do my best, learn as much as I can in this life and use my gifts for the good of others.

Writing my previous entry was wearisome for me on many levels, yet therapeutic in ways I hope I continue to realize through the next months. Admitting failure, vulnerability, sin and feelings of worthlessness is difficult because it means I'm imperfect. It's also extraordinarily important. (When I burst embarrassingly into tears describing this difficult year at the surprise birthday party my mom threw for me, one of my mentors exclaimed: "She IS human!" - was there any doubt? I mean, I suppose my dad and brother told me I was from the Muppet planet Koosbane for my entire childhood, but that's another post entirely.)

I have found that the more I focus on tasks, others, news (anything BUT me), the less I discover my own depravity and need for grace. The actions are fine; the outcome, not so much. I pray I will continue to learn that less than perfect is okay, and sometimes is even healthy and freeing. Things certainly have not transpired in the last 25 years as I may have envisioned, and though there may be pain, regret or sadness associated with the past, I have to realize that the true "failure" often comes from my pride, denial and lack of love and faith.

Self-reflection is crucial to growth and moving forward, even though it may make me feel awkward and self-absorbed. I smell a cure coming: road trip to Oregon next week.

Try harder....maybe it's just not your year

2009-08-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

~Weepies "Not your year"

I had lunch today with one of my favorite grad school profs and her daughter, and as we discussed the ins and outs of classroom management, the horrors of student teaching and my cluelessness about pensions, we also landed on the weight loss topic (why does it always come to this?). She has been trying a new support system for weight loss and has lost 8 lbs in several months (at least she's going the right direction, I said), but related "I have no excuse - I have all the time in the world and this great support system, and I'm hardly scratching the surface." When I agreed and shared my personal frustrations, she said, "well, maybe it's just not your year."

Maybe it's not your year, Katie.

That phrase carries infinitely more weight than she realized.

For those of you who have been a part of my life these last 12 months (and, let's be honest, really the last six years) know that weight struggles play more of a dominant role in my life (thoughts, priorities, self-esteem...the list goes on and on and ON) than I ever imagined and that this year in particular has been unbelievably rough on so many levels. Resigning from my first "real-world" job, voluntarily sacrificing my independence in the name of saving money, trying to resume the life of someone who I am no longer while slowly realizing the person I am is less passionate and more caustic, feeling too far removed to invest in people or make positive contributions, being challenged and doubting my abilities, struggling with life-altering questions and decisions, losing a dear loved one much too soon, giving into the lies of western body image, damaging my health, allowing selfishness to overtake me...

I now more often see the glass half empty. That has never been me. I wish so badly it wasn't me now.

In some ways, I have tried to convince myself that this web of depression, apathy, confusion, self-pity, embarrassment, lethargy and denial is something I weaved all on my own and therefore can and must deconstruct on my own. Then, sometimes I search for a scapegoat (any scapegoat!) to explain away my excessive weight gain, imploding self-esteem and, ultimately, my lack of participation in life. I cringe when I realize all I have missed out on and all of the negative messages I have believed about myself and this life because of what has transpired this past year, and sometimes it just seems like it will be too hard to fix.

Better just suck it up and deal with it, Katie...you DO realize how good you have it, right?

Right. I do get it. I am blessed in so many ways - some I am fully happy and thankful for, others I feel a little guilty or ashamed about. I guess that's the double-edged sword of growing up in america to a stable, successful and loving family. Not that I'm complaining, but if I don't change now, what will I miss out on in the future because I am out of shape, feel chubby and inadequate, don't have the motivation, or worse, just don't care?

Maybe it's just not your year.

Maybe it's not, and perhaps that simple phrase will be the beginning to finding peace amidst the gloom. Maybe, miraculously and at an unknown time, a light-switch will turn on in me and I will change the course of this boat. But, how long can I milk this phrase which begs the questions: 1) is it okay to waste a year of life? 2) is it incredibly selfish to feel like I'm wasting my life when I'm so privileged? 3) are my issues a lack of willpower, something more mysterious or something less controllable? 4) am I allowed some self-pity in a rather large "valley" in the topography of my life? 5) how long can I fake it?

I risk a great deal by writing these things in public. I risk coming across as a neurotic self-diagnosing drama-queen, though I am simply attempting to relate my true feelings. I risk judgement or, worse, pity from the people I love. Yet, the wall I have constructed to protect myself from my own reality is likely large enough to deflect the arrows of others. What concerns me most is the removal of the arrows, bows and quills on the inside of that wall. I have labored all year to rid myself of them, but I have never been good at taking "baby steps" and thus, accept failure on a daily basis. I want change and I want it quickly, and this is why I find myself how I am tonight: inexplicably sad, frustrated, tired, uninspired and wanting to escape.

All these feelings in the midst of a very good summer in many ways. That glass is half full. I am loved and undeservedly blessed. I have worth and skills to utilize. I know it in the rational sense of the word. But, I need to KNOW it in that more mystical sense - this is uncharted waters and it scares me. Full speed ahead.

Now enough of these obnoxious metaphors and time for bed.

set my body free

2009-08-01T17:16:00.000-07:00

~Arcade Fire "My Body is a Cage"

Do you ever have those moments where you're listening to a song you've heard a million times and finally the lyrics hit you like a ton of bricks because it applies to your life in so many ways? That happened to me today.

My Body is a Cage (on "Neon Bible")

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm standing on the stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It's a hollow play
But they'll clap anyway

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

I'm living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head

I'm living in an age
Whose name I don't know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow

My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key

My body is a cage
We take what we're given
Just because you've forgotten, that don't mean you're forgiven

I'm living in an age
Still turning in the night
But when I get to the doorway
There's no one in sight

I'm living in an age
Realizing I'm dancing
With the one I love
But my mind holds the key

You're still next to me
My mind holds the key
Set my spirit free
Set my body free

And the sparrows sing through the wheels on the interstate, and hear no refrain

2009-07-31T20:06:00.000-07:00

~Bowerbirds "In our talons"

(This is a letter I sent moments ago to our Bud Light-drinking president. Little did I know that he gets about 10,000 of these a day. Hmmmm....oh well)

Dear President Obama,

I want to thank you for your leadership and quick decision-making in many areas where it was most needed when you took office. I am grateful for the passion, dedication and intelligence with which you approach your new job.

I am writing because I am concerned about the CARS bill and the waste created by the loose regulations of the bill.

A $3500 rebate can be obtained for a mere 2 mpg increase when trading in a light-duty truck. To me, this is ludicrous because it is not a big enough difference to warrant tax dollars being spent and literal tons of waste being added to overflowing landfills. Did you know that a person who gets rid of their car (that they would otherwise continue using) and buys a new Prius to increase their gas mileage is actually doing more harm to the environment in terms of energy cost? The gain in fuel economy is overshadowed by the energy cost to manufacture their new vehicle.

The fact that the car traded in only has to be 8 years old to be considered a "clunker" disturbs me. I believe a huge problem with our mindset as a country is the fact that we are encouraged to believe that we must replace our belongings simply because they are "old". This CARS bill is limited to vehicles manufactured after 1984, which also seems counter-productive. It is my belief that many of the cars made prior to 1984 are the ones which must be removed from the road - for it is these vehicles that have horrific fuel economy, failing emissions tests and poor safety ratings.

These matters are of supreme importance to me, not only as a citizen who cares about reducing waste but also because I am a science teacher. I want my students to be informed about these issues and figure out the best decisions they can make, while they also see those exemplified in your presidency. It is my belief and my hope for your administration that you will make decisions with environmental impact always in mind. We can't wait any longer to start minimizing our irreversible damage to this world. I pray you will continue to be informed on these matters and work towards prodding Americans out of their apathy and into lifestyles that care more for their families, their neighbors, those in need, and our future as a global community.

With much sincerity and hope for a great future,
klk

hope

2009-07-05T23:17:00.000-07:00

the cacophony resounds within me;
such joy yet such pain

no words to express,
so i propound nothing -
i hold it in.

the emotions well up.
i flee reality,
i make excuses
my life is, afterall, blessed.

all the days blur and dim.
what will rescue me from the deluge of

exhaustion
sadness
apathy
gloom
?

I took a photograph of you in the herbaceous border

2009-05-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

"Another sunny day, I met you up in the garden

You were digging plants, I dug you, beg your pardon

I took a photograph of you in the herbaceous border

It broke the heart of men and flowers and girls and trees"

~Belle and Sebastian, Another sunny day

(A roadtrip to Conway, WA last weekend for the tulip festival with my good friend Sonja. Good times were had by all.)

Days are just drops in the river to be lost always (subtitle: Adults say the darndest things)

2009-04-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

~Fleet Foxes ("Drops in the River")

I'm happy to report the Klug household has been virtually ant-free for two weeks since I put out my killer-concoction of cinnamon, bay leaves and cloves all over the house. Although, for the first time, I did see two ants while I was cleaning today...maybe it's time for a refresher...or something a little more lethal.

There's been all sorts of stuff to post about recently, but I've been in one of my I'm not busy enough so I become unmotivated in every area of life situations lately, so the blogs, along with everything else, have lagged behind. C'est la vie, I suppose.

I did realize that, since returning to the part-time catering barista realm, I have heard some funny/annoying/disturbing things from behind the cart that I may as well share on MY blog since Overheardeverywhere.com seems to not like my stuff enough to post (I'm 0/2 and that's shocking, given some of the ridiculous crap they allow through!). But I digress. For your pleasure, abhorrence, et cetera:

1) Lady #1: Do you hear from Becky at all any more?
Lady #2: OH no! We used to be friends, but then she tried to ram Jesus down my throat. (ouch, that must have hurt!)
Everyone standing around: uuuhh HUH!
Lady #1: Yeah, she was a nice girl...but...um...*very* christian.

2) Microsoft guy: So, did you finally find a nanny?
Microsoft gal: Yes, we found a *great* one - she even unloads the dishwasher! (wow, should I nominate her for a Nobel?)
Microsoft guy: I take it she doesn't have any piercings or tattoos?
Microsoft gal: Gawd no! That one girl we interviewed was SO weird! No, this nanny is great - she even has a great boyfriend who comes over sometimes. We really like him...well, except, he has these big plugs in his ears. But, I mean, other than *that* he's totally a normal, nice guy.

(WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?! Can I just interject my distaste for people like this?! So, there's no chance that the girl with the tats could have been an amazing nanny? What the &*$# is "normal" - is the new phrase for being boring, unoriginal and apparently trustworthy? I'm actually going to blog about my feelings in this area soon. I've HAD it, folks! HAD it!)

3) Me to the birthday girl: I love your outfit!
Birthday girl: Oh...thanks. I'm a little embarassed - I didn't get a chance to iron it!
Me: PSSSH! Who irons anymore? (I refrained from following that comment with "I hardly even take showers!")
Other lady: Um. I do.
Birthday girl: So, do I.
Me: Uh, well...um, that's cool. (???)
Other lady: I iron *everything*.
Birthday girl: Yeah, I iron my sheets - I *have* to have them smooth.
Me: What?! Whoa!
Other lady #2: My husband does the all the ironing, so I don't know what gets ironed and what doesn't (...safe to say not much?)

I was like WHOA! Who the heck irons their SHEETS?! People, do something productive with your time.

That is all.

you're drawing flies everywhere that you go, 'cuz you don't take your showers anymore

2009-04-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

~Weird Al Yankovic (You don't take your showers)

At the Klug household of late, we've run into a bit of a problem.

The title of this blog may suggest said issue is my infrequent showering, but, no, we've got ants. Tons of 'em.

When the four of us moved to the lake when I was seven, we had a hardcore carpenter ant situation at hand. Those suckers were BIG and hard to kill, what with their impervious armour, but replacement of the rotting wood in the house remedied that one.

Fastforward seventeen years. A month or so ago, I started to notice tiny black ants crawling around my desk when I'd be planning chem lectures. Horrified by the smell they give off when squished (one website said it's formic acid, which definitely explains the stench), I hoped they'd go away. When they didn't, I discussed the issue with my dad.

His ideas? Leaving dishes in my room overnight (guilty). There is another issue of my room being a complete war-zone after four months of full-time teaching and learning, and seeing the little punks crawling out of stacks of paper made me wonder if that could be a contributing factor. Strangely, the problem seemed isolated to my bedroom, which, other than being a little embarrassing, mystified me immensely. So, I went digging through the piles (note: I didn't actually clean them up...who has time for that?) to see if there were any random items of food I wasn't aware of, and I certainly stopped bringing my meals downstairs.

No improvement. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was watching tv in the living room and enjoying a little snack, when all of a sudden, I noticed that there were about five ants cruising around on the very step I was sitting! Nasty! Last night, I was laying in the tv area (lovingly named "the pit") and had several ants up in my business. Okay, let's really do something about this, please?

But, still, all of these run-ins had something to do with me. Do I smell? I mean, I know I don't shower a ton because of my skin and my recent inactivity, but really? Would that make any sense?

Today, while reading up on the couch, I spotted a legion of ants who had descended on the corpse of a dead spider. Took care of that quickly. But, In only 30 minutes, I had two ants crawling ON me. SICK.

So, I did what any scientist would do: I set to work trying to find a non-toxic household remedy that would rid my life of these pesky invaders. In one simple Google search, I came upon The Frugal Life - an amazing site with ideas for using what you already have to remedy, exterminate, repair and live. There are over two pages of ideas from other cheap people like me trying to kiss ants goodbye.

Here are my favorites:
1) Draw a chalk line where they enter the house - they won't cross it. (!!)
2) Spray a mixture of vinegar/water or soap/water where you see them.
3) Spray Terro inside the house. Spray Terro outside the house.
4) Set out a bottle of cheap maple syrup for them to drown in.
5) Mix Karo, water and Boric Acid for a little toxic treat.
6) Set out cornmeal or cream of wheat - they'll eat it and explode when it expands.
7) Set out cloves, cinnamon, dandelion root, bay leaves, eucalyptus leaves, black pepper, cayenne pepper....
8) Use citronella oil, orange oil, mint oil (one suggested leaving a stuck of mint gum out!).
9) Spread coffee grounds all over the outside of the house.
10) Play obnoxious country music. (okay, I made that one up...but it would work on me!)

Because I don't know exactly where they're entering (thanks to my unbelievably messy room), I decided to give one of the easier ones a try for now: spices. I mixed up a little concoction of cinnamon, whole cloves, ground cloves and ground bay leaves and set it in my room, and in the living room. (Of course, any good scientist would question my faulty scientific method of failing to isolate experiments - yes, I should have tried just one spice and then another, et cetera - but I want these things GONE!)

So, we'll see what transpires. As I've written this blog, I haven't seen any ants in my room...of course, they're probably just messing with me. Let the critter-abation commence!

Update. 3 hours since I wrote this. Seen/killed 3 ants. Maybe I'll buy some boric acid tomorrow.

To be alone with me you went up on a tree

2009-04-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'd swim across lake Michigan

I'd sell my shoes

I'd give my body to be back again

In the rest of the room

To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely

They took your clothes

You gave up a wife and a family

You gave your goals

To be alone with me

To be alone with me you went up on a tree

To be alone with me you went up on the tree

I'll never know the man who loved me

~Sufjan Stevens ("To be alone with you" off of the Seven Swans album)

I'll never come close to understanding the intensity of His love, the horrific pain He felt, the beauty of His sacrifice or the utter rejection He experienced. Christ died for me (and for you), and I daily reject His selfless gift and His desire to hang out with me, commune and know me better. Instead of living out my faith, I think a better use of my time would be complaining, thinking of how much better my life would be ("if only...") or gratifying myself through whatever means seems best at that given moment.

Though I cannot even fathom what dying for someone else is like, tonight it was a little more real than usual. Thank you, LORD, for doing that for little, messed-up, insignificant me.

Things that make you go "hmmm"

2009-04-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

~C+C Music Factory

I'm back! After almost a month straight of not sleeping in my own bed - housesitting, traveling to DC for an awesome vacation, and driving to Portland for a wedding - I am actually happy to be home for a bit now. It helps that my bed is extra comfy. Of course, my dad just returned from a week and a half long business trip to Holland, Austria and Italy (!!!) last night, and his stories were enough to make me want to go straight to my computer and search flights. But I digress.

Though I'm only teaching two Chemistry classes this quarter, and my life, thus, is much less stressful, I still have some tales to share since it's been a while.

1) After spending two late nights in DC with Mr. Excel trying to figure out the best way to adjust my Gen Chem students' grades to a reasonable result (and let me tell you, I was generous), I started getting some emails to the tune of:

"Professor Klug: I would like to make an appointment with you to discuss my grade this quarter. I am very disappointed and would like to know if there is anything I can do to increase my grade."

WHAT?! What college student honestly believes they can do extra credit AFTER the term is over and their grades are submitted? It's fine for them to come in and see how they did on the final, but those grades aren't changing, baby. The way I have dealt with this frustration for almost two weeks now is by not responding to their emails...perhaps not the best way, but it's working by and large.

2) Last week, between DC and Portland when I was teaching the first week of classes, one of my favorite student quotes slipped out of a students' mouth when I was asking them what they did over spring break:

"I went to karaoke with some friends and found that the remedy for nervousness is vodka."

Well put. Though, it is a dry school. I had a good laugh over that one!

Onward.

whose broad stripes and bright stars...

2009-03-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

I've been in Washington D.C. since Friday afternoon and, so far, have already seen more than I did when I came as a kid. The weather has been great (60+ and gorgeous yesterday), I've had awesome food from all over the world, reunited with three close college friends and have explored many of the districts of DC and learned a lot about the city! I'm excited to see and do more (and laugh more) this week.
I'm realizing how little I know about history...maybe the Smithsonian museums will help correct that a little this week...

You better think...let your mind go, let yourself be free

2009-03-17T11:12:00.000-07:00

~Aretha Franklin ("Think")

I'm sitting here, watching the minutes tick by excruciatingly slowly as my 55 gen chem students take their final exam. A casual observer might notice the increase in number of people wearing sweats (at SPU, students usually dress up more than your average college student for whatever reason) and the intermittent yawns, neck stretches and blank stares at the page. I think it's a good test...though, if you've been following my blog these last 10 weeks, you'll know that I've thought all my tests were fair and awesome.

Nevertheless, this week marks the end of the quarter. I have (almost) made it. My other class gives their research presentations tomorrow, and I have a beast of a paper to write myself...for which I only have a few disconnected thoughts thus far. All this (and grading these 55 finals) needs to be done by Friday morning at 4am, when I hop a plane for 10 awesome days in Washington DC to catch up with a bunch of friends from SPU and try to get a chat with Obama in about his educational policies.

Maybe I'll reflect more on my professorhood these past months in the future when I am further removed from it. Right now, I am welcoming the break, though I will miss these students, their interested spirits and their smiling (usually) faces and hope they are leaving my class with largely positive outlooks. (I guess I'll see the course evaluations in a week and know for sure.) I've attempted this quarter to encourage and foster critical thinking about chemistry and not just giving steps and saying "that's just how it is, you'll have to believe me." Learning to truly THINK for myself has been the greatest gift my teachers and professors have given me, and I still challenge myself daily to do so more.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite moments from the last week (which has mostly been a blur). When grading some take home extra credit quizzes (I'm such a nice prof, right?):

Question: What would happen if you added some hydrobromic acid to the
final solution?

Student: "Probably something amazing. JK. But seriously I
have no clue"

Much laughter ensued. And, no, I didn't give him bonus points (though I considered it).

The words that came made not a sound

2009-03-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

~The Helio Sequence ("Hallelujah")

Wait, two blog posts in as many days? This triumphant return to blogitaciousness can only mean one thing: I MUST have a bunch of papers to write... I saw this on my friend Krystel's blog today, and thought, "hmm, finish essay or waste time?" My choice was clear and easy.

Here are 12 pictures that "describe" me somewhat... Who am I kidding? It's just fun to look at pretty pictures and pretend to be all existential or whatever:

Here's how you do it:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

The Questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name. (or if you're not a member of Flickr, do your blog name or email name or something like that)

(I didn't post my pictures in order...I feel it adds a layer of mystery to me. And we ALL like mystery.)

It's like someone spilled a beer all over the atmosphere...

2009-03-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

~The wonderful lyrical stylings of Mr. Jens Lekman

I've been mute for a while. Things have been happening, but busyness has trumped blogging. Here are a few random selections from the past month:

1) I just drove my sister and brother to the airport so they can enjoy a week in sunny Hawaii. It's March, snowing and freezing in Seattle. Where am I going for my well-deserved spring break? DC. So much for lounging on the beach :)

2) When discussing my non-existent love life and possible interest in a certain boy with my good friend Amanda a couple of weeks ago, I was surprised to hear "it sounds like you should probably just kiss him, Katie." Hmm...not exactly my style. But, seeing that my style has never produced anything but diminished self esteem and bad memories, maybe it's worth a shot!

3) I ran into a random youth group kid from yester-year while in the grocery store last week. He told me what he has been up to: biking. And then proceeded to lift a pantleg to further make his point by showing me his "mean calves" and bike socks. Nice.

4) The moustache has made a return to Seattle, and I'm just now jumping on that band wagon. I mean, of course, not personally, but my brother's interest the past few years in "expressing himself" through unique and sometimes shocking facial hair at winter's end resulted in a long handlebar moustache last week. This prompted a good ol' nostalgic perusing of the family photos to a time before I was on the scene: a very jovial, little curly haired boy named Alan, a knockout with long brown hair, and dad, with his curly semi-fro and amazing 'stache! Seriously folks, this was a masterpiece, and it only took me 24 years to realize it. Photo to come.

5) Teaching, of course, has been up and down, but mostly up. I still love it, but I'm ready for a break. Makes me wonder how long I'll be teaching at the high school level. I've learned how to deal with staying up late or getting up early to plan lectures, answering 20 emails at 1am before a homework assignment is due, not being very confident that I'll teach something well, worrying that I have massive pit stains when I teach, the extreme backlash (from under AND upperclassmen) when papers or tests are handed back, and, perhaps to a certain extent, even the tears. One thing I still can't bring myself to deal with is students who say things such as:

"You know, I DO have other classes too." (Yes, thanks, I'm fully aware of that)
"It's not like you're a bad teacher, it's me." (Yeah, that's not what I was thinking)
"I just wanted you to see my schedule for the next two quarters. If I don't pass this class I'll be a beggar on the street." (!!!!!!)
"What are my chances of getting an A? Could you estimate this on a 4.0 scale?" (No, actually, I can't)

6) We had Bowling with the Professors a couple of Fridays back, which was quite fun. It was great to have a couple of my students come along and chat with them about things other than science...which ended in one of my girls confessing a crush on one of my other students... I bowled a 160 or something like that. It would have been much higher, but I seem to have a propensity for gutter-balling directly after a strike. My thumb was sore the next day.

7) I bought my ticket for Day 1 of the Sasquatch festival (May 23rd) last weekend. DeVotchKa, Bon Iver, The Decemberists, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Animal Collective, and many other bands that sound legit...who are these "Kings of Leon" guys? Oh well, I'm sure they'll be a better headliner than NIN or Ben Harper. I just can't believe I didn't go last year...

8) When researching my probable Basal Metabolic Rate (BSR) on Friday, I was informed by mypyramid.gov that I am "overweight and should probably try to lose some weight." No kidding. It's not enough to think self-deprecating thoughts daily when I look in the mirror or remember how 3/4 of my clothes don't fit me anymore, now I have to hear it from my computer too! Fun. Interestingly, my weight and height apparently dictate I can eat close to 2500 calories a day and maintain my current weight...not so sure about that. BUT, I did my dad's profile to see if the human trash-compactor was justified in his insane eating habits, and turns out he probably burns between 4500 and 5000 calories a day. WHAT THE HELL?

9) I am so ready for freedom. Or Europe. How about both?

10) This just in: three more gen chem lectures this quarter. The final is almost written, and the other classes are winding down. The light at the end of the tunnel is becoming more intense. First, I have some mean papers to write for my classes....

when the sky turns black, and we know it will from time to time, we've been through that, and we came out on top

2009-02-22T11:33:00.000-08:00

~Ivan & Alyosha (Easy to Love)

Last night, as I was finishing up writing the second (hopefully slightly less difficult!) midterm for my general chemistry course and pondering how my students will fare on it, I found this email in my inbox from a student who has only spoken to me once:

"Prof Klug,

Hey I just wanted to e-mail you and let you know that I
really appreciate your class this term! This is my second time taking Chem 1211
and I'm understanding it much much better this quarter! So yeah I just wanted to
shoot you an e-mail letting you know that. Thanks for your
awesomeness.

Love,
(a student)"

Whenever I start to feel like I confuse my whole class of 56 students and they must hate the subject matter, I get a glimmer of hope from a simple email or comment that lets me know all has not been in vain. I suppose it just goes to show that all students learn and express their learning in different ways. Though I hardly know this student, they are enjoying the class! It has been my experience this quarter that I mostly only hear from the students who are not enjoying or are frustrated because they are not "getting it," but there are others in that sea of fun faces.

We'll see how they feel after the test tomorrow. I'm expecting a huge improvement, though...

this is all that i can say right now. i know it's not much.

2009-02-19T21:52:00.000-08:00

~David Crowder Band ("All I Can Say")

It's hard to know what will happen day-to-day in the sometimes routine events of my life. It's even harder to realize that I'm not at the center of the universe.

Late to work on Wednesday, thinking if I hit all of the lights from Bellevue to Fremont perfectly I'd make it to my General Chemistry lecture just in time, I had a sinking feeling that I'd be late as I crossed the 520 bridge in haste.

10:54am: I turn left to cross the Fremont bridge and the cars suddenly stopped in unison. "Oh crap, what a perfectly horrific time for the bridge to go up," I thought. But when the bridge didn't go up, I noticed that a couple trucks had their four-way flashers on, so I figured a car was stalled. Little did I know that seconds before I got my green light, a terrible crash had taken place.

10:58am: Sitting in a row of cars, I call into work to ask someone to tell my class I would be 15-20 minutes late. "I can't believe this, what an inconvenience." A fire-truck arrives on the scene and then I see it: a paramedic giving someone CPR on the sidewalk. My heart sank: I have been well trained in CPR and first aid. I should have been out there.

I pulled a U-turn and made it over a different bridge...my students were all there waiting for me even though I was 20 minutes late while news helicopters hovered over the area and sirens continued to scream, but that image haunted me all day and is still fresh in my mind now; especially since I just saw the above article which says that the lady who was receiving CPR died later in the day.

Christine Duffy; wife, friend, mother of twin 5-year old boys. Gone in an instant. Christine, I'm so very sorry I didn't do anything, and though I can't play the "shoulda coulda woulda" game, I am truly ashamed that if nothing else, I considered my lateness more of a concern than your life.

______________________________________________________

I'm reminded of something Shane Claiborne said at Quest this fall:

"Lord, forgive me for thinking too highly of myself,
Lord, forgive me for thinking too lowly of myself,
Lord, forgive me for thinking about myself too much."

May we live each day loving, caring, and humbling ourselves so that others may always be our priority. Never waste a moment. Do all you can to help people. Tell them how you feel and start doing what you were meant to do on this earth.

Doritos 2, Everyone Else 0

2009-02-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

Doritos has done it two years in a row!

Last year, the mouse tackling the man eating Doritos almost made me wet myself.

Today, in the midst of hundreds of other terribly boring commercials, my pick was definitely this one.

In other news, for the first time in my life (other than three years ago when the Seahawks were in it), the Super Bowl was actually a very exciting and enjoyable game! Go figure...

good news for people who love bad news

2009-01-28T22:48:00.000-08:00

~Modest Mouse

Allow me to set the scene for you:

An entire weekend of slaving at the new Vaio (which I have named "Wolfram," the element Tungsten's original name...but that's for another time) and producing what I thought was a challenging and long, but reasonable exam for my Gen Chem students ended with me giving a study session on Sunday night, followed by several hours of tweaking, writing final questions and making the test slightly easier. Bed at 2am.

I awoke with a start early Monday morning, realizing I had neglected to attach a periodic table to each exam. Other than that, things were going to be great: I had every confidence in my students' abilities and knew they were going to demonstrate their learning awesomely for me. I arrived on campus at 10:40am, with just enough time to copy the periodic tables and grab the test, and then a series of bizarre events began to unfold.

The roller-door to the science office crashed down without explanation, yet I felt no trepidation because the admin told me that an alarm must have just been triggered in the building. "Oh well," I thought, "when I'm done copying, I have to head out to my classroom anyhow." Exams in hand, I made my way across campus around 10:50am, noticing that other doors were closed in "alarm-mode" and several security guards. "Must be a fire alarm or something," I thought, as I made my way past three Seattle Police cars positioned around the campus US Bank. Seeing a friend of mine from my younger years, we chatted while I held the bookstore door open. I made my way across campus and into the other science building, and just as I set my pile of exams down on the desk, the admin came in: "We're in lockdown. Lock your door and shut it. No one can leave."

"Wha, what?" I mumbled. Are you kidding?! Lockdown? As if giving my first exam as a college professor wasn't stressful enough on its own, THIS had to happen too? Astonished, while simultaneously smiling at life's random curve-balls, I tried to quiet my students down and press onward with the exam, not really knowing how I was going to deal with 1/3 of my students being trapped elsewhere (some, I later found, were just outside but couldn't enter).

11:20am: lockdown called off. "That was peculiarly short," I thought to myself, "how in god's name could they have searched the entire campus in 20 minutes?" The MIA students slowly started trickling in, but I could tell focus would not be their ally that day.

Two days later, nothing more has been said, essentially, about the bank robbery (at 10:40am) and the school's terribly slow and inept response. Apparently there were two "unrelated" bank robberies elsewhere in Seattle that day....hmmmmm. The robber never produced a gun, yet one of my students asked to be excused from the exam because she had "seen" him waving a gun around.

Still, I had to have a little self-examination and realize, as all of my friends and family know already, that I'm terribly cavalier with my own safety (my brother looked me in the eye very seriously before I left for Panama and said: "please be safe - don't do anything stupid"). I don't know when it started, but I rarely feel afraid or threatened, for better or for worse. Now that I'm a teacher, I need to realize that I'm responsible for a bunch of other peoples' safety as well, and this was a good eye-opener in that area.

But, WHY did it have to be on exam day? Come ON! We'll talk about the results of the test another time...

Made me think about the way things are, made me think about they way they could be

2009-01-23T18:38:00.000-08:00

~My Morning Jacket (Touch Me, I'm Going to Scream Pt.2)

I can't believe I left the post about me being a complete joke as a Chemist up for so long. Suffice to say, it's been a LONG couple of weeks. There have been some funny occurrences and interesting times, but nothing near what I did on the first day of class (see below). It's hard to believe I'm essentially a third done with the quarter already. I've already learned so much these past weeks about myself, my students, chemistry and teaching that I will carry with me throughout my life - I feel so blessed.

When people ask me what I think of teaching college Chemistry classes, I tell them I never expected I would be so happy and feel such a sense of purpose in the midst of the busiest months of my life. When I worked in industry as a pharmaceutical delivery research chemist, I was motivated and interested, but nothing compared to this. Teaching is something that I'm supposed to do with my life (at least a decent portion of it), and I see and feel that now more than ever. My students make me laugh (and I return the favor, I think), and I enjoy working with them in class, lab and one-on-one immensely. Where I thought my age might be a hindrance, it has actually proved to be more fun because I joke around with them and treat them as friend, and yet they still retain some measure of respect for me. It's amazing what a smile and friendly word can mean to folks.

I was thinking on Martin Luther King, Jr day, while I was sitting in Tully's with a sugar-free caramel soy latte (my current favorite) and my new awesome Sony Vaio (boy, I'm name dropping something fierce right now) laptop planning a Physical Chemistry Lecture for the next day "how can I celebrate MLK's legacy and contribute to the new direction America is (I pray) headed?" I kept thinking about education (obviously) and how countless hours of the formative years of a youth are spent in a classroom. The teacher, I am learning, can influence, motivate and spur students on to all sorts of great, new and exciting things, but can also easily and perhaps unintentionally be a hindrance. Interestingly, in my Diversity in America class, we've been discussing multiculturalism and racism the last two weeks. I've never been faced with so many alarming and thought-provoking questions that seem so unanswerable.

I've always thought of myself as a pretty "culturally-savvy" woman, having grown up in an incredibly diverse school district, traveling all over the place, attending a church with folks from all sorts of backgrounds and cherishing learning from people about their culture, way of life and heritage. This, I sometimes think, will aide me well when I teach in the inner-city someday, because I'll be taken seriously, even though I'm as white as a tall, bulky German girl can be.

Then, last night my Prof put on "The Color of Fear" - a documentary from 1993 that placed 10 men from all different ethnic backgrounds in one room for an entire weekend to flesh out true feelings, pain, hopes, anger and disbelief. I've seen it more than once, and it always humbles me because I realize there is a large chance I'm completely ignorant to some prejudices I may espouse. It's also more than likely that I will have many students (and parents) who view me as a white girl trying to "save"people who are of minority status in the US. This poses a large problem for my teaching career and likely my whole life. I want to be in community with people of every economic status, every religion, every political view, every race and every goal. I want to be seen as an equal, not holding some sort of sceptre of power just because I'm light skinned. Sometimes I feel guilty for being a white European-American. Often, I'm ashamed and overwhelmed by the racism, oppression and power of the majority and wish I wasn't associated with it.

But, that doesn't seem fruitful or fair. Is it legitimate to say I couldn't choose my skin color? Can I still do what I feel called to do, or will something as material and earthly as flesh color stymie my dreams?

So...what's the answer?

We all recognize that I'm the problem here

2009-01-08T21:58:00.001-08:00

~WAS (Ghouls, again)

Today, I had to face the reality that I made not one, but TWO rather large and embarrassing mistakes in Chemistry Lecture yesterday.

When talking about three general categories of matter (element, compound and mixture), I used a worksheet from a colleague and changed it a bit, but failed to DO the worksheet myself before class (time is of the essence recently). So, when we were going over the answers, I made the two following wrong corrections to my students' correct answers:

1) Dry Ice isn't a compound, it's an element (nitrogen)

2) Steel is an element

I know, I know...I have a Masters Degree in Polymer Materials Science and I made these two blatantly wrong statements almost back-to-back. I'm so ashamed.

Of course, I have a defense for both. I was thinking of the fact that we used Liquid Nitrogen to cool CO2 (Dry Ice) at my old job, so I had a brain fart and said it was Nitrogen. Crap. Then, I was remembering our grading key for these students' density lab saying "Steel (Fe)" for one of the unknowns. So, I just defaulted to that, forgetting that steel is, in fact, an alloy of mostly iron and commonly carbon.

I briefly entertained the sinister idea of pretending that I meant to mess them up to see if anyone would catch me, but then I realized that I have to admit the mistakes, apologize and use this as a teachable moment that I'm not perfect. I certainly never want this to happen again, which ramps the pressure for being on top of my game even more for the next nine weeks.

I'm just worried that they'll lose whatever ounce of respect they had for me when I tell them tomorrow.

And no I won't relax or act like it's no big deal

2009-01-07T21:21:00.000-08:00

~We are Scientists (Ghouls)

An email I found in my inbox this evening:

"Your totally cool! :) && by the way, you make chemistry seem so easy so far!"

Granted, we've only had two days of class. And, she didn't say FUN, rather EASY. But, still, a welcome encouragement as I am scrambling to plan lectures, be on time places, grade papers, show up to my own classes on time (definitely went to the wrong classroom tonight), not annoy my colleagues with rapid-fire emails, and live, in general. Showers, exercise, time with friends and sleep will come at a premium these next three months. I'll let you know which ones climb the priority list.

A few things I've noticed about myself in the professor role thus far:

1) I sweat like CRAZY when I teach. I'm going to be one of those profs with the pit stains, I just know it.

2) Necessity is the mother of creativity. It's amazing what you can think up when you have Chemistry on the brain 24/7.

3) I'm learning that all good Chemistry professors MUST be pyromaniacs. My mom actually asked me today if I was being safe...

4) I LOVE this! I'm happier than I've been since I moved home even though I hardly have time to breathe. It's so wonderful to be doing what I feel gifted and called to do.

Oh, and yep, it already happened:

"Are you our TA, or our professor?"

The stares and whispers when I walk into a class are priceless. I can just tell they are saying, "Seriously?!?!" I think I'm proving myself legit slowly...

Then I see you, you're walking' 'cross the campus, cool professor studying romances

2009-01-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

~Vampire Weekend ("Campus")

"Hi everyone, I'm Dr. Klug...wait, no I'm not...I'm not a doctor, I have a masters. Anyhow, I'm Professor Klug, but you can call me Katie."

Opening statements like that one don't exactly build your professional-cred, do they?

With day one of teaching Chemistry at Seattle Pacific University under my belt, all I can say is: at what point in the next 11 weeks will I be checked into the nutty farm after an epic breakdown? My first general chemistry lecture went surprisingly well (save for the above faux pax), but I finally realized today that this is going to be an insane three months. Bring it.

Stay tuned for more blog-worthy happenings from Professor Klug's classes...rest assured there will be many.

I wandered empty streets, down past the shop displays; I heard cathedral bells, tripping down the alley ways

2009-01-02T14:36:00.000-08:00

~Simon and Garfunkel (For Emily, Wherever I May Find Her)

Running through downtown Bend in spandex and insane face makeup in the snow on camera. Cramming for the Praxis Chemistry and Physics exams with few hours left. Planning a wedding in two weeks. Bear-sighting on a Rouge River backpacking trip. Les Miserables in London. Handling a puker, a crier and sleep screamer all in my first night as a counselor. Getting pooed on by a bird in Stockholm. Miracles. Riding a gargantuan Belgian draft horse and getting bucked off by a Belgian pony. Wandering down deserted Venecian corridors. Rostbratwurst, Stroopwafels, Haribo, Milka and Berliner Pilsner. Witnessing the impact and artifacts of communism and war. Hospitality. Incessantly singing Flight of the Conchords songs with camp friends. Starting graduate school completely unprepared. Meeting people from all over the globe. Reconnecting with friends from home. Getting pulled over on foot twice by Panamanian police. The best and the worst of hostels. Going entire days without hearing English. The Phantom of the Opera in Seattle. Buying blown glass beads where it all began in Murano, Italy. Snowshoeing on a golf course in Bellevue.

In a year flanked with two huge snow storms (one in Bend, one in Seattle), much has transpired. In general, I get really tired of seeing “this year in review” articles on every website and specials on TV as the year draws to a close. Why is it so important to evaluate the past year for only a day or week? Shouldn’t I be constantly evaluating and making sure I’m on the track I need and want to be on? But then again, there is something valuable about reflection and introspection, and if New Years Eve is the time to do it, that’s okay. Or, in my case, January 2nd.

Three cities of residence, six new countries visited, seven cabins of crazy camp girls, three teacher tests passed, four jobs, three amazing and individual weddings (three missed also), five awesome concerts, one new president that I have high hopes for, six new stamps in my passport, one radical junior high youth group that I miss quite a bit, hundreds of miles walked and beautiful sights seen, and countless new friends.

That pretty much sums up my year. It’s had its ups and many downs both personally and globally and I certainly have goals and hopes for change and health in the coming year. But, I have been so blessed by opportunity, adventure, independence, excitement, new friendship, challenge and growth this year. As I enter 2009 with trepidation, much curiosity, some regret and more travel on my mind, may I recall the faithfulness and presence of God throughout my life, especially the past year. I pray that your next 12 months will afford you opportunities to play, think, enjoy, learn, experience, create and impact. Your current reality may not be ideal (as it is with mine), but live life to its fullest wherever you are. I’ll try to do the same.

“I’ve thrown myself headlong into your arms-
I’m celebrating your rescue.
I’m singing at the top of my lungs,
I’m so full of answered prayers!”
~Psalm 13 (The Message)

Chicken Tortilla Soup Recipe

2008-12-29T19:30:00.000-08:00

It's been a year since I posted a recipe creation/adaptation of mine, so here you are! I made this yesterday for my parents and some long-time family friends who are missionaries with Wycliffe. It turned out better than I expected! Maybe if I get REALLY bored planning my lectures this week, I'll add some of my previous attempts at mole sauce, homemade chili truffles, black bean stew, gazpacho, and whatever else I've come up with since I've moved back to Seattle!

Chicken Tortilla Soup

3-4 large chicken breasts
3 T olive oil
4-6 cloves of garlic (minced)
2 chopped onions
cumin and chili pepper to taste (I used several teaspoons of each, it just depends how flavorful you want it)
2 cups of chunky salsa (I used 1 cup of hot and 1 cup of medium salsa)
1/2 green pepper, chopped
1/2 red pepper, chopped
1 can or half of a frozen bag of corn kernels
1 can black beans, rinsed
1/4 c lemon juice
~80 oz of chicken broth (more if you want it to be less thick)

for garnish/side:

tortilla strips (I recommend Mission brand)
Monterrey jack and cheddar
sour cream
salsa
limes

1. In a large stockpot brown chicken breasts in oil (if you're short on time, you can cut the chicken in to smaller pieces), but don't worry about cooking them through. With the heat still high, add garlic and onion and saute until they start to brown as well.

2. Add all the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for about 30 minutes.

3. Remove chicken breasts (or pieces) and shred them with two forks. Add shredded chicken back into the soup, turn off the heat and stir well.

4. Serve soup with cheese, sour cream, salsa and lime to garnish. Tortilla chips can be added to the soup, or you can put a handful at the bottom of the serving bowl before adding the soup on top. Either way, the corn chips will take on some of the liquid and will taste great in the soup!

Serves 8-10 for a main dish or more if it's a side. I served the soup with more chips/salsa on the table and with warmed hand made tortillas from Trader Joes. It turned out very well! Just the right amount of broth/substance ratio for my taste, and was perfectly spicy (for me who likes a little fire).

Enjoy!

Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht

2008-12-24T10:00:00.000-08:00

Christmas in the Trenches

(an email I received from Sojourners today...I thought I would share it with you)

'It has since become our Christmas tradition, kind of our own Charlie Brown
Christmas special, if you will. With the ongoing conflicts raging during each
passing year, it remains tragically relevant.

Silent Night, by Stanley Weintraub, is the story of Christmas Eve,
1914, on the World War I battlefield in Flanders. As the German, British, and
French troops facing each other were settling in for the night, a young German
soldier began to sing "Stille Nacht, Heilige Nacht." Others joined in. When they
had finished, the British and French responded with other Christmas
carols.

Eventually, the men from both sides left their trenches and met in the
middle. They shook hands, exchanged gifts, and shared pictures of their
families. Informal soccer games began in what had been "no-man's-land." And a
joint service was held to bury the dead of both sides.The generals, of course,
were not pleased with these events. Men who have come to know each other's names and seen each other's families are much less likely to want to kill each other.
War seems to require a nameless, faceless enemy.

So, following that magical night the men on both sides spent a few days
simply firing aimlessly into the sky. Then the war was back in earnest and
continued for three more bloody years. Yet the story of that Christmas Eve
lingered - a night when the angels really did sing of peace on earth.

Folksinger John McCutcheon wrote a song about that night in Belgium, titled
"Christmas in the Trenches," from the viewpoint of a young British solder.
Several poignant verses are:

"The next they sang was 'Stille Nacht,' 'Tis 'Silent Night'," says I.
And in two tongues one song filled up that sky
"There's someone coming towards us!" the front line sentry cried
All sights were fixed on one lone figure coming from their side
His truce flag, like a Christmas star, shone on that plain so bright
As he bravely strode unarmed into the night.

Soon one by one on either side walked into No Man's land
With neither gun nor bayonet we met there hand to hand
We shared some secret brandy and we wished each other well
And in a flare-lit soccer game we gave 'em hell.

We traded chocolates, cigarettes, and photographs from home
These sons and fathers far away from families of their own
Young Sanders played his squeeze box and they had a violin
This curious and unlikely band of men.

Soon daylight stole upon us and France was France once more
With sad farewells we each began to settle back to war
But the question haunted every heart that lived that wondrous night
"Whose family have I fixed within my sights?"

'Twas Christmas in the trenches, where the frost so bitter hung
The frozen fields of France were warmed as songs of peace were sung
For the walls they'd kept between us to exact the work of war
Had been crumbled and were gone for evermore."

My prayer for the new year is for a nation and world where people can come
out of their trenches and together sing their hopes for peace. We here at
Sojourners will carry on that mission, and we invite you to continue on the
journey with us.'

I hope that you are with family and friends during the holidays. Join me in praying for peace, understanding, love, acceptance and action in the coming year. A better world is possible, and to prove this, we only need look to the baby born in Bethlehem over 2000 years ago. He is the reason I celebrate.

Merry Christmas!

It was a long and dark December, from the rooftops I remember there was snow. White snow.

2008-12-22T18:02:00.000-08:00

~Coldplay (Violet Hill)

Arctic Blast 2008. Seattle Snowpocalypse. The worst snow storm in 12 years.

Whatever you call it, it sucks to be in the Pacific Northwest right now. I remember a time when I anxiously awaited every dusting of snow in the hopes of canceled school and sledding down our insanely steep hill. In 1996, the other bad Seattle snowstorm, some idiot neighbor kids waxed a surfboard and asked for trouble. I vividly recall one of them smacking square into the back of a car parked at the bottom of the hill and sliding under it. My parents always said the same thing: "the snow is fun to look at, but such a pain to drive in!" (which is semi-funny because I think my mom has driven in snow about twice in her life)

After living through two winters in Bend with my rear-wheel drive vehicle and never having to put on my chains, I thought nothing could stop me in Seattle! I was wrong.

After a dusting of snow two Saturdays ago, followed by fairly intense ice the next morning, I hoped that was the sum-total of the Seattle "wintery weather." Ah, the pain of wishful thinking. Wednesday, all of the local schools canceled school in anticipation of a storm that didn't come until Thursday morning. Right when I needed to head to work. At 6:30am, we already had an inch at my house and my best efforts to make it up our hill failed. I called into work, went back to bed, woke up several hours later and was shocked to see over five inches on the ground and snow still falling. It went on like this for a couple days, with, of course, some wind and continual sub-30 temperatures. At this point, I haven't driven my car in five days, missed two days of work, missed seeing a camp friend from this summer get married, had to cancel a much anticipated trip to Portland, and am so sad to hear of friends and family not able to make it home for Christmas. We've probably amassed over a foot in a few days, and apparently more is on the way.

So, am I jaded just because I'm an adult? I don't remember being so stir-crazy in 1996. Part of that probably has to do with the fact that my brother isn't here with me. He's always a good source of entertainment and laughs. I should be happy. The snow is beautiful if you have nowhere to go (which I don't, really), Christmas is rapidly approaching, I'm already home (so traveling here isn't an issue) and I went snowshoeing for the first time in my life yesterday which rocked my world. So awesome.

I've had a tough time with Christmas this year. I get so sickened and frustrated with the to-do lists, the obligations and obligatory gift-giving, the busyness and the lack of focus on the true meaning. Granted, I think it is important to completely separate commercial/american christmas from Christmas, but still, I can't help but shake my head when I see TV commercials, overhear stressed-out housewives or realize that I myself have done little to embrace the advent season.

Being stuck at home is a weird thing. Some people (my mother) are excited to have an excuse to stay home (though cabin-fever is setting in and she just started to play the piano for the first time in about 10 years), while others (my father) look for anything they can do to combat idle hands. My dad has shoveled the stairs more times than I can count, taken care of every chore imaginable, has gone on a couple of walks with me, and went into work today not because he had to, but (I wager) just to get away. I'm in-between. As I've written about before, I've been slowly turning into an introvert over the last couple of years and heartily enjoy a day to lay on the couch in my fleece robe with some tea and an amazing book. However, apparently when I'm at home against my will, things get ugly. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent on the internet (I think I should give up Facebook for Lent this year), how many movies I've watched and I'm sad to report that all of these free days have resulted in exactly zero hours of work on my chemistry lectures for next quarter. Professor Klug needs to get her ass in gear. I did bust out the sewing machine to make my parents legitimate stockings and a running hat for myself to replace the one I lost at the finish line of the Seattle Half Marathon last year. Yay productivity!

Perhaps when it is not my choice to be at home, I get less done because there are no deadlines, the days sort of blur together and I quickly fall into lazy complacent-ness. Ick. Get me OUT of here. I've got two days until Christmas. It's time to forget about the weather and focus on Jesus' birth and all of the joy, thankfulness and meaning this event carries. Maybe when I do that, I'll have something worthwhile to blog about.

The upshot of all this snow is that people should complain less about the rain when it comes.

Meanwhile, check out these two sites. Disclaimer: you may wet yourself.
FAIL Blog
Overheard Everywhere

Gigantic, a big, big LOVE

2008-12-07T01:31:00.000-08:00

~Pixies ("Gigantic")

It's 2am. I should be asleep, but I'm full of sweets and coffee since I worked late tonight. So, I figured it was time to update all of my faithful followers on the latest travels to the Central American country of Panama (though, I never did really write about Europe, which I still should do at some point).

So...on to Panama. In short, I'm really glad I went, though my first foray into traveling by myself was a bit different than I pictured. It was a trip of many mixed emotions, varied experiences (some laughable, some enjoyable, some barely tolerable), huge amounts of sweatiness and hardcore cankles (what's up with that?)! After five days of sun and high 80s, the mid-40 degree days we're having in Seattle right now was a huge shock to the system! Sadly, I took fewer pictures than I meant to, and most of them are underwhelming at best. But, I found a few that will go along nicely with some stories from the trip!

Transportation in Panama consists of an insane amount of taxis who LOVE to rip off gringos, some personal cars (often utilizing the hazard lights for no apparent or logical reason), and these lovely works of art. Diablos Rojos (red devils). Look familiar? When school buses in the US are decomissioned, they are apparently sent to Panama. Paint them insanely, write the destination on the front window, charge $0.25, and that's your public transportation. Needless to say, I was strongly advised not to ride one, though I wish I had.

Those of you who know me are aware that I have a fairly large distaste for being a "tourist." I much prefer going off of the beaten path and meeting locals. But, since my days and transportation were limited, I decided to hit a few of the high points in Panama City. This, my favorite picture from the whole trip, is part of the ruins of a church in Casco Viejo, the old French Quarter near the canal (the French actually began the construction of the canal before the US took it over). My trip to Casco Viejo was fraught with hilarity. I woke up that morning with a terrible cold, but was determined to do some solo adventuring, so I set out on foot from my hostel through some fairly seedy parts of town to arrive at my even seedier destination. I think everyone should experience (at least once) being the only white person in a crowd of thousands and being one of the tallest (this wins you double-stare points), while simultaneously being cat-called in English and Spanish, trying to figure out where exactly you're going and protecting your belongings. It was FUN. The best part of the day, bar none, was on my walk to Casco Viejo when two police officers "pulled me over" in their van and told me that I should not be walking on the street I was on because (and I quote): "the bad guys will get you on this side of the street." Hmm. Luckily, Casco Viejo (where several parts of Quantum Solace, the new Bond movie, were filmed) had some very pretty views of the Pacific Ocean. Below, you can see the end of the Causeway (three islands connected to the mainland with earth from the canal excavation) and the plethora of ships (dotting the horizon) waiting to enter the canal.

The Miraflores Locks on the Panama Canal was an interesting experience. I think the excitement came more from having to walk around the museum with all of my luggage than seeing two gargantuan cruise ships leaving the canal, but it was still pretty cool. The canal trip takes roughly 24 hours to travel 50 miles (and wait a whole lot), and involves three locks. Miraflores is the first locks for a ship entering the canal on the Pacific Ocean side. They just passed an initiative to widen the canal, so I got to see some rock-blasting in progress. Perhaps the most shocking figure is the toll. Up to $240,000 for a large freight ship. Holy crap! Doesn't that water look yummy?

My hostel deserves its own blog post. Hostel Mamallena, though not in the most convenient or safe area of the city, had a surprisingly helpful staff, nice accomodations and story-worthy folks. My first night, I got a photoshop lesson from a Scottish photographer while inhaling intense amounts of his second hand smoke (the whole pack, I might add). The second day, while minding my business and eating my morning pancakes, I met a Colombian guy who took to making very specific observations about me ("you look young," "you're a very happy person," "you're cute," "you seem innocent," and it gets better...). So, for the rest of my time at Mamallena, I took to reading and relaxing on the front porch to escape the chain-smoking club, annoying drunk Americans from the south who thought they were God's gift to foreign and economic policy, CRAZY old Canadien men, the coke-twins and the Colombian. But, he kept finding me and instead of taking the hint when I went back to reading, started laying on the "compliments" even more, which culminated in "why are you so beautiful?" At this, I had to get up and leave before I barfed. The next day, exclaiming "suerte!" (what luck!), he gave me a kiss on the cheek to say goodbye while clutching a well-wrapped package (I'm guessing it was weed) to mail to himself and offering me a joint. Luckily, Al (a radical Irish cyclist who loves Beirut) dissolved the weirdness by asking for a kiss too. Thanks, Al.
But, of course, the best part of the trip was seeing my good friend Rachel marry her now-husband Horst Martens on the beach at Coronado following an intense drive through flooded zones and washed out bridges. I met so many special folks at this wedding (Colombian, Panamenos and American) whom I will always remember. Rachel had Dengue Fever the two weeks prior to the wedding, but was a trooper and either really was almost healed on the wedding day or was amazing at faking it. It's amazing to think of how the average bride would react to contracting a disease that could threaten not only her "big day", but also her life, but this woman is far from average. I always enjoy a wedding that comes together perfectly, but is done simply, smart and sans stress.

One of my favorite memories from the trip was when Rachel was asked at her bachelorette party (somewhat in jest) what her favorite physical trait of Horst's was. Her reply: "I dunno...his face I guess?" It was very clear to me from her answer to this and other questions that Rachel doesn't give two hoots about that crap. She loves Horst for Horst. It's not infatuation with fleeting good looks, success or riches. They are companions, best friends and lovers. It is so obvious how deeply their love runs by observing their interactions. That's a big, big love!

When we went hiking in the jungle my last day in Panama, between breathing heavily and sweating through my shirt, I asked Rachel what her favorite part of marriage so far was. "I love not having to leave and night and waking up next to him in the morning," she replied. Waiter, I'll have some of what she's having.
Felicidades, mis amigos. Dios les bendiga.

The sun risin', dangle in the...Golden and fair, in the sky

2008-11-24T12:50:00.000-08:00

~Fleet Foxes (Sun it Rises)

I should be working on homework as the quarter is on its way out. But, instead, I finished a book this morning while sipping green tea in the sunlight and beauty of Lake Sammamish. My tea is cold now and, while I sit at my desk with no view and no sunlight, I don’t want to write a paper on my philosophy of education: I want to write about the book.

A friend of mine, Holly, recommended Through Painted Deserts to me at camp this summer. It was one of those books that she hugged herself and closed her eyes when she talked about it. I thought I should give this one a try if it meant that much to her. So, I went and picked it up at a bookstore before I left for Europe, not knowing the interesting parallels it would have to my life in real-time.

The book chronicles the pilgrimage of two guys in their young twenties, road-tripping from Houston, Texas to Oregon and their experiences along the way. I started it on the plane to Germany and thought it funny that I was leaving home (though my home has been transient for years now in some sense) as the two men in the book. One had never seen Oregon, and the other hailed from Oregon but had roamed around the country with no money, a crappy VW van and no timeline, priorities or agenda. He did whatever he wanted and allowed himself to meet and get to know people along his journeys, working odd jobs for cash, living in the woods and climbing mountains whenever he got the chance. Sometime I think that taking a year off and doing something like that could be a very important experience for me. I would do it in a heartbeat.

I have wanted to hike the Grand Canyon for a long time, and found myself in the pages of their painful, exhausting and awesome experience, wanting to go even more. I talked to my friend, Andrew, that night and we penciled in the end of September 2009 to make a trip all the way down the canyon. I can’t wait. Throughout the trip, surviving on pocket change, benevolent mechanics and free meals, the guys have many important and somewhat profound conversations in the absence of a car stereo. They also begin to realize that God has things to teach them through coincidental occurrences.

As they arrived in Oregon and the author beautifully describes the terrain and smells, it made me feel as though I had never left. They stopped for gas in Eugene, continued on to Portland in I-5 and over to Sisters via highway 26 through Gresham and Sandy on their way to work at Black Butte Ranch, which was less than an hour from where I used to live. I have traveled these roads numerous times and enjoyed reading his impressions of Mt. Hood and central Oregon in all of its late-spring splendor. He names each of the mountains that I saw every day on my drive into work, and experiences the high desert view of the stars. Breathtaking, I can tell you.

It made me miss Bend a bit. But, more than that, it made me grateful for the experiences I’ve had in the last few years. I am lucky and I need to remember that, especially in the midst of putting off the piles of homework I need to do, realizing how much weight I’ve gained in the past year, commuting to Seattle too much, fighting feelings of interest in a boy who will probably never return my feelings and learning how to live at home again. I am blessed. I live in a beautiful place, have been privileged to see and learn many amazing things both in the US and abroad, and most importantly, have met outstanding people everywhere I have roamed. How much more impacting are those relationships and experiences than my souvenirs and photos, or all of my possessions sitting at home?

That is what these two road-trippers come to at the end of the book. They decide that maybe the answers to life are much simpler than we think they are. Maybe life is all about taking time to breathe, enjoy and experience God’s creation and goodness and love the people he has put us on earth with. And, letting ourselves be loved.

“I’ve learned, too, that I don’t really know very much about
anything. I mean, I used to have all these theories about life. I
thought I had everybody figured out, even God, but I don’t. I think the
woods, being away from all the clingy soot of commercialism, have taught me life
is enormous, and I am very tiny in the middle of it. I feel, at times,
like a droplet of water in a raging river. I know for a fact that as a
grain of sand compares in size to the earth itself, I compare in size to the
cosmos. I am that insignificant. And yet the chemicals in my brain
that make me feel beauty when I look up at the stars, when I watch the sunset,
indicate I must be here for a reason. I think I would sum it up this
way: life is not a story about me, but it is begin told to me, and I can
be glad of that. I think that is the why of life and, in fact, the why of
this ancient faith I am caught up it: to enjoy God. The stars were created
to dazzle us, like a love letter; light itself is just a metaphor, something
that exists outside of time, made up of what seems like nothing, infinite in its
power, something that can be experienced but not understood, like God.
Relationships between men and women indicate something of the nature of
God – that He is relational, that He feels love and loss. It’s all
metaphor, and the story is about us; it’s about all of us who God made, and God
Himself, just enjoying each other. It strikes me how far the commercials
are from this reality, how deadly they are, perhaps. Months ago I would
have told you life was about doing, about jumping through religious hoops, about
impressing other people, and my actions would have told you this is done by
buying possessions or keeping a good image or going to church. I don’t
believe that anymore. I think we are supposed to stand in deserts and
marvel at how the sun rises. I think we are supposed to sleep in meadows
and watch stars dart across space and time. I think we are supposed to
love our friends and introduce people to the story, to the peaceful, calming why
of life. I think life is spirituality” (244-245).

Oh, and yes, the book is by Donald Miller.
But don’t take my word for it...

it was not my imagination?

2008-11-19T18:10:00.000-08:00

~The Cranberries (Just My Imagination)

Signs of the apocalypse. Let me set the scene for you: January 5, 2009, around 10:30am, this girl will (perhaps) realize that she is about to step into a college general chemistry course at SPU for the first time. "What?" you say. "Katie, you took general chemistry in 2002 at SPU!"

You're right. But this time...I'll be teaching it. Oh holy night. In some strange twist of fate and/or gross overestimation of my skills, I've been hired as a full-time adjunct Chemistry professor at SPU for winter quarter and for one class spring quarter. I have an office. A computer. A teacher's edition of the textbook. A barf bag on hand for when I come to my senses and realize I'm going to be responsible for about 75 university students in less than two months while also taking my own university courses. My professors, now peers. My peers, now my sheep to herd. The universe may implode.

A view of the registration options:

..and, get this: they're trusting me to teach an upper division PHYSICAL CHEMISTRY course! It's going to be quite an eleven-week cluster#%*@.

Join me, if you will, on this six month adventure as I learn to teach high school Chemistry while concurrently teaching university Chemistry. You thought I dropped off the face of the planet while I was in graduate school in Oregon? You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Do you want to see the world? Do you want to see the world in a different way?

2008-11-11T18:22:00.000-08:00

~The Kooks (“See the World”)

It’s been quite a year (or two) for me in terms of re-evaluation self and calling, mixed with attempts to simultaneously move forward towards that ever evasive “person I’d like to become.” It feels closer than ever before. My beliefs, politics, lifestyle, perspectives and perceptions of myself have all come under intentional attack this year. Even my hobbies and interests are different now (I had a hard time recently getting my friend Jason to believe that I just don’t care as much about sports as I used to!). Helped along my journey by amazing friends/mentors, experiences, some amazingly poignant books and speeches, I have changed profoundly. I sometimes joke with friends that if I had actually found someone to marry in college, he wouldn’t recognize me anymore. I have so many people to thank for their contributions to this woman ever in search and need of progress.

If you’ve been a reader of my blog since its inception in 2006, you may recall my struggles with the harsh reality of living alone when I was in graduate school in Oregon. It’s easy for phrases like “we were created to be in community” to enter one ear and quickly exit stage left, but it’s harder to ignore when it’s being lived. Reduced to my two Chemistry courses, my Tai Chi class, knitting and watching an unhealthy amount of movies (thanks to the modern phenomenon of Netflix), I found myself locked up in my personality-rich ancient studio apartment the majority of my six months in Eugene with very little personal interaction. Thank God I didn’t know about YouTube then, or it would have been worse!

As much as I have wished to live alone again at times in the past two years and find that I am becoming more of an introvert, I always recall this experience and will forever use it as a metric for evaluating unhealthy levels of solitude, especially when I’m not using that solitude for personal growth. Community is an amazing gift and, even when it’s slightly-to-extremely uncomfortable at the outset, getting involved and being truly known are human responsibilities and rights.

Community, in many varied forms, has inspired, spoken truth, challenged and encouraged me into significant change. A recovering legalist from my teen years, I have been so blessed to be in conversation with folks that have called into question the stereotypically held “Christian” views on marriage, life, science (this, obviously, has been a big one for years, since I’m a scientist), following Jesus and, most importantly, emphasized an imperative quality of a Christ-follower: thinking for oneself! There is a big movement among certain groups of Christians that desires to be told what to believe, how to act, what not to do and how to vote. This scares me. I don’t believe this is Christ’s design for the church. We need to learn to discern, think, study, converse, debate and wrestle with the tough issues, not just take what our pastor or someone else we deem “smarter” or more “godly” says as the final word.

Oftentimes, though, it’s hard. It feels like a burden and I get unmotivated very easily. So, I have learned that the best way to force myself to continue running toward single-mindedly following Christ is to place myself in situations and around people that require me to face the person I am and come to grips with the sickness, pride, idolatry, self-centeredness and emptiness in my life and my utter need for Jesus. Not to say that I try to make myself feel poorly just for kicks, but I do try to be real and consider what needs to be done to “point this ship in the right direction.”

This is getting long and I didn’t even broach any of the specific topics I’ve been pondering lately. Perhaps another day.

"I was playing some stinky, filthy, manky chops..."

2008-11-07T19:32:00.000-08:00

"...Jemaine: you had some rotten mutton on the grill
Bret: just some off rhythms, really
J: you had some decomposing flesh on a skillet
B: just rancid grooves, i was layin' on 'em
J: the...skanky...beefs beats you were laying down"

~Flight of the Conchords (spoken word)

A girl sitting at home with a bad cold found this on the interwebs today. It brought her much happiness. (It's long, but really worth it. Their banter is better than their music, I think)

_____________________________________

Anyone who has known me in the last five months knows I'm a bit of a fan of Flight of the Conchords from New Zealand. I blame it on my coworker in Bend, David, who played Business Time for me at work in May...I then proceeded to watch pretty much all of their stuff on YouTube that day (at work) and form a slight celebrity crush on Jemaine (like about a million women on this planet). At camp this summer, I found several fans of the group and we had all sorts of inside jokes involving lyrics to various songs. The theme of the summer with me and my good friend Sonja was from their song The Most Beautiful Girl (in the room): "Lookin' round the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the...room...and when you're on the street (depending on the street) I bet you are definitely in the top three..."

Sonja and I, along with two other friends from camp (Jenni and Andrew) came up to Seattle for SubPop's 20th anniversary show at Marymoor. We didn't get tickets because they were sold out, so we spent the afternoon dodging police officers and security personnel telling us to go across the street (what the heck? they're sold out - let us loiter!), all to hear the Fleet Foxes, Iron and Wine and Flight of the Conchords. Well worth the almost getting arrested part. I'll post my one video from my favorite song, Jenny, later.

Fast forward to last week, when all of my hopes were dashed: Jemaine got married in August and his wife just gave birth to their son, Sophocles, a week or so ago! What? Jemaine - I thought we really had something...Blast :) I'm "over" it now, but I am considering forming a support group for all the women who are quite disappointed.

A couple of days ago, I found their first TV appearances in New Zealand in 2000 (two years after they officially formed). Let's just say, they've really come a long way with their banter, humor, comedic timing, musical abilities and songwriting in eight years.

I recommend them highly, especially if you just need to smile.

Here as the caves of my memory fade, I’ll hold to the first one

2008-11-05T14:28:00.000-08:00

~Fleet Foxes (Drops in the River)

It has come to pass. In many ways, I can’t believe it. In others, I’m not surprised.

(Picture courtesy of Getty Images)

So many thoughts ran through my head while I witnessed the elation at Grant Park in Chicago last night and the impassioned, poignant and inspiring speech by President Elect Obama, where at least two of my friends stood watching. I received a call from my good friend Katie in DC where, at 12:45am, she was outside on a busy street celebrating, yelling and dancing with many of her fellow Americans. Another friend of mine has already purchased a plane ticket to DC for Obama’s inauguration on January 20th, 2009. Memories like those will last a lifetime.

Because my dad’s birthday fell on Election Day this year, I ended up at home last night. A quieter but still very meaningful celebration took place. I do not cry often, but I found myself tearing up (and dancing around) several times as I watched the coverage and considered the impact of such an evening.

In my life, there have been several memorable and historical moments, both negative and positive. I just saw the remnants of the Berlin Wall that fell when I was only five years old firsthand two months ago. I can tell you exactly where I was, what I was doing, what I was wearing and how I reacted to the news on that morning of September 11, 2001. What will I carry with me the rest of my life about yesterday? What will be impressed in your memory? What will we tell future generations about November 4, 2008?

Yet, simply a memory of a historically significant election is not why Obama ran or was elected. I think people are getting so caught up in the fact that racism got one huge slap in the face last night, that they may fail to realize that it is not obliterated, nor is slavery, sexism, persecution, and a whole host of other problems still sadly present in our world. In all of the excitement that the election of Obama brings to many in the world (and to me), I think it is important to realize that what he said last night is so very true:

“I know you didn’t do this just to win an election and I know you didn’t do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime - two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they’ll make the mortgage, or pay their doctors bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America - I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you - we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way its been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.”

This will be an uphill battle for Barack and the country. Things will not go perfectly. I cannot believe that anyone, let alone TWO people, would volunteer to be president in such turbulent, unsure and, frankly, worrisome times. But, I am honored, inspired and hopeful that change will come in time because of our new President’s hard work, humility, encouragement and unmatched inspiration.

Let us remember, as so many of my wise friends have already penned in their blogs, that Christ was, is and always will be sovereign and our savior no matter who our Commander in Chief is. No woman or man can fill those shoes, and we should not expect them to. What is required of McCain and Obama supporters (and the rest of the country) alike is to stop the bashing, the regretting, the insinuations, the disrespect, the attacks, and learn how to voice and act on political opinion in a mature and useful manner while giving Barack Obama and his administration the opportunity and support to bring about change we need.

May we be as involved, interested and passionate in the coming four years as we were this last week.

And, read this beautifully written article.

Don't teach me about politics and government: just tell me who to vote for

2008-11-03T14:10:00.000-08:00

~Derek Webb ("A New Law")

This is another appropriate song for today

I cannot express how much I am ready for tomorrow. Ready for change. Ready for history to be made. Ready for inspiration and excitement about the future of politics. Ready for new ads on TV.

I have been ecstatic at times this past year how people of all races, creeds, ages, perspectives and political leanings have decided not to vote for party, but for issues and individuals. My pastor gave a good sermon last night on the need to be interested in politics all four years of a term, not just the two months leading up to the election. This resonated heavily with me. I'm no politician, but I need to care enough to keep tabs on what my government is (or isn't) doing for my community.

We see it every election - people impassioned to the point of losing friends (and respect), writing terrible things on public forums, and using religion to justify or ostracize. Enough! It's time for us to see our continual role in politics and to walk the walk on issues we talk a LOT of talk about in October. Some Christians (and hopefully non-Christians too!) are starting to realize that Jesus was not white, middle-class, Republican nor Democrat. The Bible speaks to issues of abortion and homosexuality less than 15 times, but poverty and caring for the poor over 2000 times. Pastor Eugene also made the point that scripture tells us Jesus WAS involved in politics. He called us to be independent, thoughtful, intelligent, respectful and mature in our voting.

That's the key point I'm seeing in all of this: respect. I've been harping on my parents since I got back from Europe in September because they were (and may still be) undecided on the presidential race. It's so easy for me to say: "what are you thinking?" and rant about the insanity of the election, but when it comes down to it, what matters is that each American votes. And by vote, I don't mean showing up at the polls and making pretty patterns out of your chads, I mean thinking long and hard, wrestling with issues of belief, morality, community and future. I mean reading, listening, discussing and caring about the election enough to put more energy into research than is expended complaining about the situations of the past eight years.

There is no right or wrong party. There is no perfect candidate. I have close friends voting for both candidates. I love them all. We don't need to move to another country if our pick doesn't come out on top. What we need to do is be ready for change, get involved and support our president tomorrow, no matter who it is. "Change you can believe in" and "Country First" are great mottos, but let our motto now be "Whatever happens, we're in it together!"

In less than 35 hours, we will be able to move forward. It is my hope that we will do so as a united community that can learn to love despite disagreements.

Now it is time to go put my ballot in the mail.

Of the places I've laid down my [car], I think of two I regret

2008-10-30T11:17:00.000-07:00

~Fleet Foxes ("So Long to the Headstrong")

I tell people that I have two vices: swearing and speeding.

Apparently, I need to add a third item to the list: being a complete imbecile.

Today, while working my third shift in downtown Bellevue for my new traveling barista job, I, in typical dumbass form, parked in a strip mall lot because I'm afraid of the cost of skyscraper garage parking.

Of course, a $25 parking ticket hurts worse. Much worse. This is my second in as many months. Yep. Now do you see why I need to add that third vice to the list?

So, let's do the math:
3.25 hours of work @ 10/hour = $32.50
1 parking ticket = $25.00
Gas = $3.00
Taxes = the rest (maybe more)

Perfect, just perfect. Although, on the upside, I got to overhear Financial Advisors talk all day about how manic the market is, how everyone should sell Starbucks stock, how this is the perfect time for ME to invest, how the bailout is a brilliant plan, how redistribution of wealth is unfair (easy for them to say) and other political hot topics. Intriguing. Even though this parking ticket makes me want to rip my hair out, I really like my job.

Just a puppet on a lonely string, oh who would ever want to be king?

2008-10-28T10:16:00.001-07:00

~Coldplay (Viva la Vida)

I'm back! It's been so long since I've blogged that I'm in one of those "is it even worth writing anything?" moods. But, I'll fight through it. So much has happened in the last five months worth recording and sharing, and though it will most assuredly be out of order, it will be good to write down memories from my time at camp this summer, Europe, and thoughts from the present craziness in the world and my life.

In a somewhat turbulent time of elections and significant trouble for America, and many big (but less noticed because of our own issues at home) international happenings, I keep wondering what I will remember about 2008. My big 401K obliteration? I think I'll be able to buy some saltines when I retire. That'll be nice. The amazingly interesting and questionable turn of events in the Presidential Race the past few months and the sad but unfortunately imminent questions of how some of our country will deal with a President who is a minority (yes, I'm calling it. deal.)? Or, will I be self-centered enough to remember only that 2008 has been the most random, exciting, busy and growth-inducing year of my life thus far? Admittedly, I am old enough now that forgetting any of it should not be permissible.

I watched Charlie Wilson's War with my parents last week, and while my mom and dad couldn't look beyond the nudity and profanity to admit that it was a good movie, I really enjoyed it. Without forging into a full-on review, I'll say this rather ashamedly: I had no idea that the events portrayed in the movie (the US involvement in Afghanistan in the late 80s-90s) had occurred. Granted, I was in preschool when it all began, but I am still surprised that we did not study that relationship and how it deeply effects the history of the past eight years in high school, especially because September 11, 2001 was the second week of my senior year. This realization is also timely because I am now a graduate student again, this time to obtain my master's in teaching, and I keep thinking about the school's responsibility to arm students with the knowledge and understanding of past and present. History and politics were always difficult but interesting subjects to me - how can students realize that understanding their world is so crucial? I was hit with this again just recently when I visited two formerly communist-controlled cities: Berlin and Prague. I learned quite a bit about their history and have a thirst to understand it more fully. Would American students take more interest in and ownership of their education if their country's history was staring them in the face daily in the form of patched up buildings, memorials, political graffiti, and other reminders of what their families have endured in the last few decades?

In one of my classes this quarter, we talk about teaching styles, philosophies and theories. I know I won't fully develop mine until I am in the classroom and have some experience, but the passions I brought in for teaching have only become more strong, even as I realize how difficult it will be to feel I have creative freedom while being told exactly what to do by the district, board and parents. My biggest hope is that I can present science in a way that students will be able to make connections to the world around them, figure out things for themselves, ask questions and realize that learning is the key.

This presidential race has been quite a rollercoaster and promises to deliver surprises in the last week. Oh, how I long for next Tuesday to be over and for our country to start moving in a new direction - united, I hope! One thing is for sure, I would not take that job for anything. I admire and appreciate that there are individuals who are actually willing to take the helm in one of the least desirable times in recent history.

Change is afoot. They think so in Britain, at least.

(I took this photo in a tube station in London in September...this was everywhere!)

The World is Your Oyster

2008-09-12T16:17:00.000-07:00

~ The Cranberries

A snapshot of my time in Berlin and Prague so far. So much to say. 700 pictures might be a start.

And Berlin is so ugly in the morning light...

2008-09-05T14:18:00.000-07:00

~Beirut ("In the Mausoleum")

We'll see, Zach Condon, we'll just see about that.

After a three-month blog dryspell while I was working as a counselor, I'm off to Europe tomorrow until the end of the month!! I'm really excited, but very much in that mood of "okay, what am I forgetting?" and "30lb weight limit for baggage? seriously?" and "just how badly am I going to get screwed by the exchange rates?" and "i hope people in europe care less about the election in Europe than BBC would imply."

Armed with some radical new music to listen to (I love Easystreet with all my heart), hardly any clothes, four camera batteries, very hairy legs (I figure, why not?), 2 pairs of shoes and 5 GB of digital memory, I'm about to take eight plane flights and see Berlin, Prague, Venice, Stockholm and London in a mere three weeks! I'm atrophying money at an insane rate, but, these are the perks of saving and being single, so they say.

Stories and photos aplenty will fill this blog either during or after the trip...I can't wait for the randomness and weirdness to ensue!

Look out, Europe, here she comes...

take this sinking boat and point it home

2008-08-02T15:49:00.000-07:00

~Falling Slowly (from "Once" - you should see it)

it's been a while. a LONG while. it would take days to recap what has transpired since my last post, but suffice to say, WOW. after deciding to return to SPU for my Master's in Teaching in the fall, i got a weird idea which involved forfeiting the tens of thousands of dollars i could have made all summer at my job in Bend and leaving a beautiful town early to be a camp counselor at the horse camp my brother Alan and I grew up attending.

a camp counselor, katie? isn't that a job for 19 year olds? in a word, yes. but, i went for it anyway. i figured i would just be the camp grandma...

i hadn't set foot at Cascades Camp in Yelm in 9 years when I arrived in mid june. and, having just moved from bend four days prior, my mind was reeling as i wondered what the hell i had just gotten myself into and what i had just left behind: friends, an amazing church and junior highers, a cool job, independence, and one of the most beautiful places to live in America. many things about camp have changed. many are the same. some of my anticipations were spot-on. others were painfully off.

i have just completed seven weeks here at camp. four cabins of girls have come and gone, three to go. one week of family camp, one week of kitchen duty, and one week of training have filled my other weeks. there have been wonderful highs and frustrating lows. i have cleaned bathrooms and cabins more times than i can count, eaten more chicken nuggets than i care to admit, seen more horses defacate than i wish to recall, worn dirty jeans for three weeks in a row, done a million lice checks it seems, still haven't gotten in the lake, and got bucked off of a horse when i was riding bareback on Thursday.

yet, you'll often find me with a smile on my face and a peace in my heart i have never before experienced. to be sure, i'm often exhausted, in desperate need of alone time, or craving adult conversation that will last more than five minutes. but when i came here, i asked the LORD to kick me in the butt - to teach me, challenge me and convict me about the way i will live my life from here on - and HE has been faithful to bring some serious ass-kicking in my general direction.

i started out the summer by learning some things about me -my personality, the ways i work well (and don't work well with others), what i need daily to survive, what energizes me, what brings me down, and what is important to me. "is that ALL i'm going to learn this summer, God??!" i asked two weeks ago, "can't you REALLY bring it and show up?"

it deserves a post of its own, but the nine wide-eyed, beautiful, energetic, passionate, and curious 9th graders that showed up at my door two sundays ago changed my life. God has and will continue to answer my prayers to work in and through me, and to show me what a life lived fully for Him can look like. i want it more than ever before, and that's both exciting and extremely scary. it's crazy to think that i asked Jesus to be in my life 16 years ago and i've only begun to realize what He is all about these past few years. sometimes, in the midst of several amazingly mature 19 year old 'kids" here at camp who are much closer to God that i am, i have the tendency to feel like i've been missing the proverbial boat. feelings of inadequacy and embarassment creep up.

but, i am determined to be thankful for these inspiring examples in my life, for the friends i have met, for the challenges i have faced, for the times my pride has been crushed, for the times the LORD has touched my heart with words from kids and coworkers, for the beautiful nature i am surrounded by daily, for the pure beauty of a child deciding to follow Jesus, for the conversations i have had, and for the realizations that no one but God is doing the real work here - it is my job to love, be obedient, listen and work with a humble and positive attitude while trusting He will do amazing things.

i choose my attitude, my priorities, my words and my actions every day. may i take this once sinking boat of a life and faith and point it towards the only ONE who lasts. my home. my strength. my endurance. my hope. my whole life.

oh God, hold them now

2008-05-07T13:15:00.000-07:00

~David Crowder Band

May 2nd: what were you doing?

On the other side of the world, a cyclone hit Myanmar (Burma) with a force I still cannot fathom. Yesterday they estimated 22,500 dead and 41,000 missing. Two Million people are displaced. Today, sources say they believe the death toll will reach 100,000. One Hundred Thousand Human Beings. God cares about them and loves them just as much as you and me.

I think we, as Americans, who are still shaken by Hurricane Katrina (which killed 1,900 people), cannot begin to understand the horror of this situation. I am deeply saddened, but I know I'm nowhere near being able to grasp the suffering that is occuring and will continue to go on until Myanmar's government fully accepts international aid and the whole world comes together in this time of unbeliveable tragedy.

So, what can you do? PRAY. GIVE to the fullest extent possible, then give more. And, please, don't turn your back just because it's overwhelming or because you have no idea where Burma is - these people need our help NOW.

A few organizations to choose from:

Partners World

World Vision

Save the Children
Quest Church
World Aid in Seattle (no website)
Global Giving

Check out:
BBC
Associated Press

"Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray...You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil...spread your protection over them..." excerpts from Psalm 5

it's the dawn of our age, it's the birth of courage, now's the time to flourish

2008-03-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

~malbec ("dawn of our age")

It is time to plug a very important conference going on in Portland, Oregon on April 12th. If you're anywhere within traveling distance, PLEASE come. Bound: The Global Slave Trade.

The global slave trade is an issue that is now receiving more attention than it has in the past, which is encouraging. Yet, very few can actually grasp how horrible things are in all parts of the world - the US included. This is a huge issue that I can't even begin to explain on my blog, but it is well worth your time to do some research and figure out how you can help the thousands of innocents daily forced to provide goods, sex, labor, et cetera to a world that simply turns its head and fails to acknowledge how evil these deeds are.

Take time. Inform yourself. Pray. Get involved. Don't ignore this immensely serious issue. Join me at the conference on April 12th if you possibly can.

A few websites to check out:
Garden of Hope
International Justice Mission
Oasis
Stop the Traffik
World Vision
Viva Network
Amnesty International

Please comment and add more helpful links!

maybe we can see a movie or maybe we can see a play, on saturday

2008-03-04T15:40:00.001-08:00

~Jill Scott ("A long walk")

On a daily basis, when I sign out of hotmail, I'm redirected to MSN, which offers all sorts of dating/singles articles about how to land a date with your crush in the office, or once you've secured said date, how you might not act like a complete imbecile in order to ensure a second.

Today, I found the article more amusing than usual. Decently wise (especially the parts about cologne and texting) and very witty even. Too bad the advice is for dudes... The lists of "to dos" and "to don'ts" always makes me wonder if the traditional pressures of A [perfect] DATE causes guys to ask girls out less these days...maybe so. Or maybe there are a host of reasons, including the fact that girls need to do some of the work, too.

What ever happened to arranged marriages? They really cut out all the stress.

it's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight

2008-02-25T22:22:00.000-08:00

~Survivor ("Eye of the Tiger")

three of my absolute-favorite funny-men in one clip...can't go wrong. i needed this tonight!

we're ONE, but we're not the same, we get to carry each other

2008-02-22T11:59:00.000-08:00

~U2 "One"

"A lot of people are happy with pie in the sky when they die, but I don't think that's our purpose. Our purpose is to bring Heaven to earth...in the macro as well as the micro. In every detail of our lives we should be trying to bring Heaven to earth. Have the peace that passes understanding, but DO NOT be at peace with the world, because it is not a happy place for most of the people who live in it." - Bono

Lately, I've become a YouTube junkie. Mostly to see live performances from my favorite bands, but the other day, after watching a myriad of U2 videos (I'm seeing U2 3D tonight...why, God, WHY can't we have an IMAX in Bend?!?!), I ran across Bill Hybels' interview with Bono for his 2006 leadership summit. My mom has been to a couple of these things via videocasts in the past, but basically this summit is 70,000+ pastors/church leaders all gathered to learn, challenge and grow. Pretty amazing. Anyhow, this interview is 8 parts on YouTube, but well worth the hour it'll take you to watch.

Why? Well, let me tell you. If you have any musical taste at all, you're at least willing to admit U2's epic run has been (and still is) one of a kind, and that they can still rock. Hard. I can take it further and say that I really love their music, especially the earlier stuff. But, I've always been interested in their technique of marrying faith, secular music and social justice. It seems a lot of their songs can be interpreted "religiously" or "romantically," which makes figuring out how serious they are about Jesus difficult (as if that's MY job somehow). Watching this interview between Bill and Bono changed my mind about him, and even got me a little fired up. If I had to choose a "type" of Christian I like, Bono fits the bill quite well. He was wary at first of Christians, which is why it took him a while to buy into the whole deal, even though he liked Jesus from the start. He also started and shares his passion very effectively about the ONE organization, which is doing astonishingly cool things. It is so refreshing to see notable individuals using their celebrity for good and global change.

The quote from the interview I posted above makes a LOT of sense to me, and is right in line with my current passions, but interestingly, I've heard that this week from more than one source, which always gives me cause for reflection. Bringing the Kingdom of God here to earth right now and doing all we can to combat human suffering, injustice, poverty (and I'll throw in my personal love of saving the environment in the list too, even though people are the first priority, definitely), et cetera should be a main concern of those who call themselves followers of Jesus' example. Chrissi, my friend, fellow youth leader and also the pastor's wife at my church, put it well this morning at our women's Bible study: "if we aren't trying to make this world a better place in Jesus' name right now, we all may as well go straight to heaven so I can stop getting up at 5am for this!" (that's a paraphrase, but hopefully you get my drift)

We're working on 2 Timothy 3 right now, which discusses the "end times," and how horrible people will be then. We've all heard the view that the end times are far in the future and that the level of depravity at that time will be unfathomable even to us in this day, BUT that we should just let it happen, because in order for Jesus to come back, scripture has to be fulfilled. WRONG. The end times started the minute Jesus ascended to Heaven, and even though there's plenty of evil right now and we can't fix it all, I'm willing to guess if everyone who was in line with Jesus' mission actively loved, advocated for and served others sacrifically, Heaven would be a lot closer to earth than it is now.

So, let's DO it!

i've no idea what i am talking about

2008-01-18T19:21:00.001-08:00

~Radiohead ("bodysnatchers"...NOTE: the new album is AMAZING!)

As if this day needed more stress or negativity...

i returned home from a rough work week to open an envelope detailing my first quarter investment returns, since i just started my first 401K in October. i know, i know....i'm an adult now! Apparently one who is totally screwed when it comes to investment....

i saw $(6.55) on my returns, and for some reason thought that because i didn't see a negative sign, i was in the clear. Oh, innocence. Okay, losing 6 bucks isn't too bad, but because each and every one of my directives cost me money except for my 30% in interest, this was a good incentive to get online and take a look at what i'm doing with my large chunk of change i'm setting aside each month for retirement.

Then, the shit hit the veritable fan. Apparently, for those of you who follow the stock market as little as i do, the market is a complete disaster right now. According to my dad, whom (i have to admit) i called immediately, our country is heading towards this little thing some call a "recession." i thought $6.55 was bad? Try $90.96 in the hole now. Blast. That means i've lost almost $85 in TWO FREAKING WEEKS.

What a way to start 2008. i ended up changing everything, in a move my dad defined as "chasing gains." Hopefully this quarter, i won't be seeing the evil parentheses. If i do, at least i know where i keep my beer.

it's a bad day...it's a snow day

2008-01-08T14:07:00.000-08:00

~Lisa Loeb ("Snow Day")

Every 2 weeks, my roommate and i switch off in the garage. As lack of luck would have it, this is my week to be outside and i'm pretty sure little red isn't too stoaked about it:

If you can't see it in the photo, let me paint a picture for you: two foot plus snow drifts, crazy wind, at least a foot of powder on the sidewalks and no plowers anywhere in sight. According to the newspaper, they plow neighborhoods if we have 2 or more inches....hmmm. This is the closest to a blizzard i've ever experienced: three days of almost continual snow and wind. "Luckily" i got a little sick last night, so staying home wasn't hard to justify. i'm pretty sure this winter storm will cure me of dreaming for a white Christmas ever again. Weirdly, i don't even feel like going outside and making a snowman!

i guess this is what you get when you live at almost 4000 feet...

You see, I just gotta have a tostada, carne asada, that's right I want the whole enchilada

2008-01-06T22:23:00.000-08:00

~Old School Weird Al (so awesome)

Good cooking runs deep in my family, and well before my brother started rivaling Emeril every night, i enjoyed playing hostess in college while trying new recipes or making my own. i love cooking for other people, but, like most people, not so much for myself so these last two years have seen less inventive cooking...until this weekend!

i hosted youth group leadership meeting at my place and instead of getting takeout for 14 people, i decided to do a little mexican fiesta (replacing churros with snickerdoodles, which were an INSANE hit)! so, i thought i'd share the recipe that i adapted from a few others i found on allrecipes...it was very tasty!

Chicken Enchiladas
(serves 10-15 people, depending on side dishes and appetites!)

saute 3 medium onions, one green and one red bell pepper, several cloves of garlic, parsely, oregano, and black pepper (i did it in a wok to hold the huge volume) until veggies are cooked and slightly blackened. add 6 cooked (boiling works well) and shredded chicken breasts to the veggies. in a seperate bowl, mix several cups of salsa (i prefer chunky) with a large can (28 oz)of enchilada sauce...go as hot as you dare. to the meat/veggies, add 4-6 cups of sauce mix and stir until everything is mixed well. keep on medium heat and slowly stir in shredded cheese (the mexican 4 cheese blend is phenomenal) until the mixture is thick and cheese is melted. i found i needed to add some water because there was so much chicken, and i probably used 4-5 cups of cheese, which admittedly was a bit much (although it tasted wonderful)...so, add as much cheese as you want. this sauce can be made the night before and refrigerated.

preheat oven to 375 and spray the bottom of a large casserole dish with non-stick spray. add 2-3 large spoonfuls of the meat/sauce/veggie mix into a 10 inch flour or corn tortilla (i prefer flour, and they're easier to roll up) and place seam down in dish. i fit 9 enchiladas in one 9X13 casserole dish, and made 24 total with this much chicken mixture. when all enchiladas are rolled and ready, top with the leftover sauce mixture and the rest of the cheese. cook about 30 or so minutes uncovered. cheese will brown and the enchiladas will be perfectly crispy on top after cooling. serve with pico, sour cream, lettuce, chips, whatever you want. they turned out awesome for me and were a huge hit, although a bit too wimpy (yet still very flavorful) for me since there is not HOT enchilada sauce in oregon...

Enjoy!

Happy Birthday Sweet 16

2008-01-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

~Neil Sedaka ("happy birthday sweet 16")

On a whim last night (yeah, you could say i was a little bored), i took the RealAge test for fun. i was on pins and needles (but not really) all night to find out if i was "older" or "younger" than my chronological age due to health, hygiene, life risks and family history. i was surprised to see this evening when i checked my email that my age was indeed younger. How much younger, you ask?

15.9

Wow. At the ripe old age of 23.5 (yes, i still celebrate my half birthday every New Years Day, shut up!), being 7.6 years younger than i really am is hardly something i can get pumped about! All my friends who are nearing 30 keep telling me to enjoy being so young, but every birthday, i can't help but wonder what it will be like to be one year older - i'm always looking forward, i guess you could say. Maybe it's because i've always felt that i have to wait until things really take off in my life. i'm beginning to see that's silly...

Anyhow, i found this amusing and thought i would share. Some things keeping me young (according to the test)? Vechicle size, no ovarian cancer in family, flexibility training, education level, and medication use (in that I use absolutely none). Things making me older? Social network and stress, driving speeds, flossing habits (hey! i floss now!), and low unsaturated fat. One thing that was refreshing to see on the lists of positives was "Ideal BMI." Even though we all know that BMI is a bunch of hogwash, since it seems i'm continually striving to be more healthy and thin, it's good to know i'm pretty healthy even now...

Anyways, i'm so excited for my sweet 16 party - it's going to be super neato! Maybe my parents will have Justin Timberlake come sing Happy Birthday to me! Or, even better, SexyBack.

let's get it started in here!

2008-01-02T11:19:00.001-08:00

~Black-Eyed Peas (i know, it makes me cringe too)

Well, here we are in 2008. i may have to do my typical "year in review" blog at a later date. But, for now, suffice to say 2008 has already been quite surprising to me!

With all the busyness the last four months, i had given up on the possibility of applying to a Masters in Teaching program in time to start this year. But, some family members helped light a fire under my ass and yesterday at work (yeah, I had to come in for a bit on New Year's Day...whoopie) i spent about four hours checking out the specifics of applying to Seattle University's MIT program and figuring out how i can accomplish references, transcripts, essays, applications and other paperwork in less than a month, and then as quickly as possible take all the teacher tests in March. Whoa.

So, it's all but official: i'm applying to SU and hope to be in Seattle by the beginning of the summer! i need to make stuff happen this year or i'll go crazy! The only sad part is thinking about leaving my awesome church and new friends, but i've realized that contentment isn't enough and it's time to do this teacher thing. i also started applying to be a horse camp counselor for the summer at the church camp i went to my whole childhood...why not, right?

There you have it. Change is on the horizon and while nothing is certain, i'm pretty excited! Except the whole being back in school thing. Hopefully that'll grow on me.

I leave you with a hysterical paragraph from SU's online info about their application process:
"Both the autobiograhpical statement and the writing sample are evalluated on the basis of conent and prooper use of grammatical conventions. Here is a handout outlining some common MIT student writing errors."

Please tell me that was a joke.

Oh that we could always see such spirit through the year

2007-12-17T23:38:00.000-08:00

~Charlie Brown (“Christmastime is here”)...i’m listening to The New Frontiers, who do a great cover of it, too!

i’m not feeling it this year.

i can’t put my finger on it, but i have no “Christmas spirit” and it makes me sad. It also necessitates reflection.

It could be that October, November and December have been the three busiest consecutive months of my life and i haven’t had time to even stop and think about the holidays, or more importantly, the “reason for the season” as some like to title it. But, many people use that excuse, and that’s not ample enough for me. It also could be the fact that this is the first time in my life i will only be home for a week surrounding Christmas. The five years i was in college, i was lucky enough to be home for the vast majority of December, so this is a new experience for me. Sure, i threw a white-elephant Christmas party on Friday (it didn’t disappoint with a couple of inappropriate t-shirts, a metal bird sculpture and plastic beaded santa figurines), listen to Christmas music every chance i get (i’m loving Sufjan Stevens’ Christmas albums this year), have made two batches of traditional Klug cookies, and hell, we even have a tree and decorations at our house, thanks to my roommate. But yet it doesn’t feel right. i remember things felt a little off last year, too.

i certainly am disgusted by materialism, and this undoubtedly is a big reason for my lack of yuletide joy. i did my only “day” of shopping on Saturday and couldn’t handle it after about 1.5 hours. i’m pretty sure it’s a good thing to realize that presents don’t matter, just as getting your Christmas cards sent off punctually, having a spotless and perfectly decorated home, throwing the best party and making the tastiest cookies don’t.

Perhaps i’m being too hard on Christmas. After all, what did it ever do to me but land me some (usually) sweet stuff and make me fat every year? i know some Christians who just treat “americanized christmas” as a totally separate entity from the real meaning and enjoy both for different reasons. i think i like that. There’s nothing wrong with giving gifts, having a reason to celebrate and catch up with friends and baking really great food. But, i keep wondering how Christmas ever turned into what it is today. The season of the most important birthday has turned into a stressful, obligatory, finance-stretching, month long period of one-upmanship and materialism. But, then again, folks appear to be happier during the season. In general, they are nicer to one another, and gift-giving is often a fun and positive gesture. That giving and slightly-less-selfish attitude is the “spirit” i’d like to see all year.

It may be obvious that my realism and skepticism is what’s ruining the holiday spirit for me, but possibly, it’ll turn out to be a good thing over time IF i actually take time to ponder advent and what this month truly means to my life and how it can change me. i think i’ve been contemplating these issues more this year because of my yearning to spend time abroad, which will probably land me in another country for some Christmases. i found myself writing a friend who will be spending the holidays in China and telling him i was actually jealous that he wasn’t surrounded with the American insanity that is christmas, because maybe it would be more real.

hopefully when i arrive home in Bellevue on Friday, my mindset will change. Either way, celebrating Christ’s birth is something i want to focus on more. now, if only i didn’t have a party every night this week...

You run like a river runs to the sea

2007-12-11T22:49:00.000-08:00

-U2 (“One Tree Hill”)

November 25, 2007. A day I'll never forget:

4:40 am – I awake (after getting about 2 hours of sleep) to find my alarm had not been set for 4:30am, but rather 6:30am
5:00 am – I finish my breakfast of toast and a banana
5:45am – Leah finally crawls out of bed
6:00am – I take my first ever shot of espresso...followed by 2 more
6:15am – The running clothes go on
6:20am – I start to get nervous
6:21am – I begin to pee out those two liters of water I have drunk in the last 1.5 hours
6:25 – and again
6:30 - and again

6:35 – and again
6:40 - and one last time
6:45 – the troops head off a little later than we had hoped for the Seattle Center

7:20 – Alan, Leah and I arrive at the starting line (I have to pee like a racehorse, but the lines are so incredibly long that I know I won’t make it, so I hold it)
7:25 – Leah realizes she has no safety pins for her race number
7:28 – a few last pictures
7:30 – the gun goes off
7:35 – We finally cross the START line (6,000 people take a long time to get through!)
8:30 – I nervously try a few Clif Bloc Shots and take my first feed successfully!
8:45 – I get a little sick of all the geriatric runners passing me like I’m standing still
9:00ish – oh the hills...(one glove lost in the process)...not too bad
9:10 – people on the streets start offering donuts and gummy bears to the runners...gross...one guy right next to me grabs a Krispy Kreme and shoves it in his face
9:30 – I know I’m close and I pick up the pace in a serious way
9:54ish – I cross the finish line in a sprint, feeling awesome (and lose my hat)!

So, there you have it, friends. I can finally call myself a runner! Even though my time of 2:19.16 certainly does not indicate I have found a sport I can excel at, I am very happy that Leah and I both made it, I felt amazing, made my time goal, and finished feeling like I could run further. Adrenaline and training at elevation are two amazing things.

For all the unbelievably stupid things I did leading up to the race (only ran less than 10 miles in the two weeks prior, gained a ton of weight “carbo loading” for about 3 weeks, etc), I did several things right: ate on the run (thanks to my wise bro and dad), wore the perfect clothes, paced myself at the beginning, handled the hills right, drank enough water and had a blast! The Clif Bloc Shots assuredly saved my life – I highly recommend them.

The weather was awesome, and I even got to see several SPU friends who were running or watching! A great day and a fitting end to a fun week at home over my favorite holiday. It’s amazing what a person can do when they have motivation and put their mind to it...a good life lesson.

Oh, and I ended up running the whole race with a full bladder.

there’s nothing to lose and there’s nothing to prove: i’ll be dancing with myself

2007-11-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

~Billy Idol (“dancing with myself”) – Nouvelle Vague did a great remake of it too!

I have realized this year (probably because of the seven weddings I went to) that I absolutely love to dance. It’s freeing, stress-relieving, and overall just good for my soul.

Dancing is also very fun now that I have short hair....

Before the choppage (this is the third time i’ve been all drastic and donated):
Now I’m free as a barnswallow:
I love this haircut!! This is just the first of a bunch of changes in my life over the next few months...stay tuned.

But, I digress. Anyhow, I have concluded that I exist to get shy people on the dance floor and having fun at weddings...I even tried to get a little bump-shimmy going at Alan and Leah’s wedding, but for some reason everyone left when they heard the music starting up. Hmmm. My favorite thing is when the non-dancers of the world get up, forget their inhibitions and discover that dancing isn’t too scary after all! I offer my mother, cousin Debbie, and "Uncle Jake" dancing at my cousin Megan’s wedding not long ago (this was PRICELESS):

I went to a “young professionals” club with two friends not too long ago, and I was surprised that it wasn’t too shady (save for the couple dry humping in the corner and the really unfortunate guys who tried to dance with us and promptly got shut down by my coworkers). My two beautiful, little and exotic friends were getting hit on left and right, and the big ol’ third wheel (or fifth...both apply here) was just trying to love it, dance with myself and forget about the lack of attention from dudes. Maybe I give off the “don’t grind me” vibe...I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing, though.

Serious randomness. Just get your booty on the dance floor and make a fool of yourself. I promise you fun will be had!

“With the record selection
With the mirror reflection
I'm dancing with myself”

( )

2007-11-07T20:41:00.000-08:00

~okay, that's actually a great album by Sigur Ros..(but it works because there are no words to describe this post)

I saw the most rediculous, saddening and infuriating thing today:

A brobdingnagian RV towing a Suburban.

I wanted to give them a citizen's citation for ruining my planet single-handedly.

Hibernation is a lonely word, so wake me up!

2007-10-29T22:24:00.000-07:00

~Splendour Hyaline (“The Restless Slumber of Dry Kindling”)

I’m pretty sure no one reads my blog anymore, so regretting the fact that I haven’t been as witty, entertaining or humorous lately as I mean to be is probably a waste. However, my life is most enjoyable (to me) when I have funny, strange and awkward stories to tell, and it’s been a while since I’ve had a week that compared to last week. I’ve been hoping and praying for a more exciting life, and I think I got my wish in an interesting way this time.

Warmth made a very welcome cameo appearance in the form of three 70+ degree days and then came back for the weekend, which allowed me to have the most awesome run of my entire, short lived, running “career” (if you can call it that), get outside on my bike for the first time in 2 months and hike with my friend Abbey in lava fields! The run was semi-epic in that I started a tad late and finished in the pitch black...maybe that’s the motivation I need to run fast! But, it couldn’t compare to the weirdest bike ride I’ve had in recent memory...

I felt alright on the bike, but not as good as I expected given that I’ve been riding trainer and running quite a bit, so I decided to do a relatively flat ride out in the boonies of eastern Bend (complete with tons of deer, rodents, tumbleweed, horses, and one seriously smelly landfill). As I was riding past some grazing deer that ran away from me, I randomly contemplated what my course of action would be if an animal unexpectedly chased me while I was on the bike. I wish I had had some wood to knock on, because not 5 miles later, out of the blue come running some angry shepherd dogs out of a driveway with their chops aiming for my tires...or perhaps a piece of leg. It was a complete miracle that I didn’t hit one of them and totally crash, but instead I maneuvered around them at about 20 mph and they proceeded to chase me, one on each side. At this point, you can rest assured I wasn’t just going 20... As I started to break away while yelling at the dogs (do cusswords translate in “dog”?), I had pictures in my head of going down, getting ripped to shreds by the pavement, and then mercilessly by these two dogs. Thank God for adrenaline and leg muscles.

But of course, that wasn’t all. I flatted for the first time out on a ride by myself ever (I’m a lucky girl; I’ve been riding for 3.5 years) about 5 miles after that. Luckily I’m now the proud owner of CO2 cartridges, so I was back on the bike in about 15 minutes (I was impressed by that, Alan won’t be). 24 miles later, I was home safe just in time for my cousin Jimmy (who is on a 50-day long road trip across the US) to come visit for the night, which was a blast.

I started both my volunteering positions last week also, which both went quite well. I never thought I would enjoy working with Jr Highers, but MAN those kids are funny and as awkward as I still am. I, of course, have an “in” with most of them since I’m so tall, and apparently they were intrigued by that...maybe it’s the misfit mentality. More on this later, I’m sure.

The week rounded out with an accidental date (I’m not kidding), a new interest in learning how to code (followed by my first coding lesson), a crappy run on Sunday (I got sick and was forced to sling a deuce in the bushes with about 3 miles to go...nice), and then a great hike up Lava Butte the same day with Abbey.

But even so, it was a really emotionally tough week at work and in life. I can’t fully explain it, and have been convicted lately that I need to work on being more positive because I have very little to complain about. My dad was informed he’d be laid off in March (along with his whole group as their project is being moved elsewhere) from a company he has faithfully served for 18 years, which is tough but also a very good thing for him, I pray, since he needs to do something he loves for the rest of his career. In addition, I am more and more convinced every day that I met the perfect guy for me a couple months ago, and would be very excited about this if he wasn’t living in another country and I wasn’t stuck in Oregon constantly thinking about him and wanting to get to know him better. It’s rough, but I’m realizing because of this weird situation that I’m picky in the right ways, never willing to settle for anything less than him, and am fully willing to wait for him to return if it's "meant to be" (how cliche, right?). How I figure out if it's meant to be is yet to be determined...but I really hope it is.

What a wacky week!

you're barely breathing tonight

2007-10-09T22:57:00.000-07:00

~Barcelona (Lesser Things)

What a month it has been! In the last 3 weekends, I’ve had 5 family visitors (Uncle Bob and Susan, Mom and Dad, and Jennyfern!), ramped up my running schedule, seen WAY too much snow, went clubbing for the first time (that may warrant its own post at a later date), and have gotten inspired.

I’ve been having a hard time motivating myself in several areas these last months. I have the desire to start volunteering here in Bend, get more involved with my awesome church, spend more time with friends outside of work, start running at least 4 times a week, make some long overdue phone calls to friends all around the country, and most importantly, invest more in the relationship I have with God that I’ve been putting on the backburner way too much this year. But, I don’t have enough drive to get there.

That is, until these past couple weeks. I’ve seen what my life can really be here in Bend (even though change is on the horizon) by having fun with friends, being more active and choosing to spend more time with God.

Because I’ve had so much fun and done so many things these past weeks, I got really inspired last weekend in many ways. Volunteering – I have an application in to work for an organization called Healing Reins. Church – I am going to see if there is a place for me in the youth group leadership. Friendships – I am going to continue hosting events, even if it costs me the money I’m dearly trying to save for another round of grad school and hopefully some fun travel before that. Running – I’m trying for my first 4 a week runs this week, and started it off by running 12.5 miles on Sunday!

You read that correctly. Katie- I have always hated running-Klug ran just shy of a half marathon on Sunday. I can’t believe it either. Now, this would be more impressive if I did it without stopping, but I instead saved gas by running to a birthday party and then running home. I wasn’t too happy the last 3 miles (could be those tortilla chips), but I made it...now I realize I have a lot of training left to do before November 25th. Still, it’s cool to run further than I ever have each time I increase my distance.

I’ve always been a bit of an “enviro-freak” (although I have definite room for improvement), and running 12.5 miles to save gas was a decent effort, I thought, but the Bend Fall Festival this weekend really opened my eyes to the cool things one person CAN do to help the world. Check out these two awesome vendors:

http://www.chopstickart.com/
http://www.daisyrockhats.com/

Here’s to living a great, healthy, and meaningful life and never ceasing to work on myself!

Capitalize on hot air, soar like an airplane

2007-09-24T22:38:00.000-07:00

~Matisyahu (Fire of Heaven/Altar of Earth)

In the month of August alone, I purchased or was given 10 CDs. And I wonder why I can’t save much money!! Actually, yourmusic.com (see link at right) and itunes have made my increasing addiction to new music decently affordable, so it’s not all bad.

Now, if you know me very well, you know that I have always been musical with my love of singing, the guitar, piano and even a little-known one year stint as an accomplished 5th grade clarinetist. My brother (the real musician in the family) taught me how to play the clarinet the summer before 5th grade, so I was already rocking “Hot Cross Buns” and dropping words like “embouchure” before any of my classmates knew what instrument they wanted to attempt. The piano ended much too abruptly and my journey with self-taught guitar has been less than impressive over the last 7 years. Ah, but singing – that’s something I tried to stick with, but as my pattern would dictate, after a moderately successful high school choir experience, I only lasted a year in the SPU choir system.

In college however, I realized a new love of independent music, much to the credit of many friends and the help of the shared music network. Sadly, many SPU students have limited music selections: Third Day, Stacy Orrico, Avalon, and maybe a little Michael Buble for diversity. (insert vomit here) But, there was a group of indie-loving folks that opened my eyes to smaller labels, undiscovered bands and even some fun local groups.

Since college, I have realized my absolute passion for international music. Anything with a latin flair, and I’m a happy girl. I recently discovered a group (through the amazing outdoor concerts here in Bend) from France that hits you with equal parts latin, Yiddish, gypsy and flamenco jazziness that will blow your mind. An accordion has never rocked so hard. Les Yeux Noirs. Check them out. As you can see, I have cultivated an odd and varied taste in music over the past few years. I never thought of myself as an “art person” as some like to boast, but I can truly say that I’ve learned that music truly is an art and has the capability of speaking to me, completely altering my mood and inspiring me in many ways. I’ve needed all of those benefits dearly this last month.

So, whatever your taste – find new groups to enjoy, try some different genres, see some live shows and appreciate musicianship!
I leave you with that long list of new CDs to me:

-Splendour Hyaline (Hope, a sliver, like the moon)
-Matisyahu (Youth)
-Jonathan Lipps (Suite Apocalyptique)
-Matisyahu (Live at Stubb’s)
-The New Frontiers (EP)
-Aqualung (Strange and Beautiful)
-Miles Davis (Kind of Blue)
-Roy Orbison (Greatest Hits)
-John P Kee (Strength)
-Blue Scholars

you'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see

2007-09-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

~Aqualung ("strange and beautiful")

I may or may not be experiencing a bout of “unrequited interest” currently...it’s kinda killing me.

Maybe it’s because I just realized I will have gone to seven weddings solo in eight months by the end of October, and several friends and family are also very close to taking “the plunge” within the next two years. This is a crazy era of my life. I have to admit, I love weddings – especially when I get to see people I haven’t talked to in years.

Last weekend was no exception: two weddings back-to-back...and yes, I managed to eat salmon and steak at both of them (now THAT’S what I call a success!) and hang out with my brother and sister in between. A busy but fantastic day. My good childhood friend, Jennifer, who I played softball with from 3rd grade through high school got married to her high school sweetheart, and being an only child, her wedding wasn’t kidding around! The wedding was at St. James Cathedral in Seattle – gorgeous. The reception was held at the Fairview Olympic Hotel (I’m told it’s the most expensive hotel in Seattle, and that’s saying a lot). Let me paint the picture for you: open bar for 250 or so people for 6 hours, unlimited wine at dinner, a fancy four-course meal, nice favors and a dance-hall dripping with roses, candles, white linens and several drunken high school friends making passes at the bridesmaids by the time dinner was over.

Essentially, this was a 5 year high school reunion for me – it included about 80% of the people I’d want to see at my actual reunion and I was so happy I had come up for it! It was unbelievably wonderful to catch up with so many friends I hadn’t spoken to for 5 years (did I mention I’m terrible at keeping in touch with people?) who had come from all over the states for Jennifer! Unfortunately, the inebriation kicked in after the dancing started and I missed out on really catching up with several people who were feeling a little too screwed up to have a normal conversation. Nevertheless, these friends astounded me! Several are in grad school, most have good jobs and have traveled and experienced neat things, and a few are already married or on their way. The level of maturity shocked me quite a bit (in a good way).

The only downer of the night? The bill for valet parking at the hotel = $24. Shit.

"I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
I've been secretly falling apart, unseen
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
I know, waiting is all you can do, Sometimes... "

But of all God’s miracles large and small, the most miraculous one of all is the one I thought could never be

2007-08-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

~From ‘Fiddler on the Roof’

Today at church, in our continued study of the gospel of Matthew, my pastor focused in on the miracles of Christ (of which about 40 were actually documented in the Bible) and how believers can follow and respond to the Miracle Worker. Many aspects of this particular message cut me to the core. Throughout my life, I have continually struggled with the “problem of pain” as C.S. Lewis describes it – why the good suffer so often, and more than that, why we don’t see miracles today in the Holy Spirit’s presence similar to those Jesus performed during his life here on earth.

I have to admit, in my travels to do work with communities in Mexico, China and LA, I experienced God in vastly different ways than I do at “home.” I still to this day carry with me miraculous stories of safety against all odds, health when there was no good reason we shouldn’t be sick, funds and supplies appearing out of nowhere and many other experiences that were clearly not from us, but from God. However, I still struggle when attempting to compare these events to the healing of a woman by her faith when she reached out to touch Jesus’ cloak while en route to raise a 12 year old girl from the dead.

When you get down to the bare bones of miracles – Lazarus and this 12 year old girl, the woman with the hemorrhage and all the lepers and blind people Jesus healed still ultimately suffered death just as I will some day. So the miracle is not the end-all-be-all of the ministry of Christ. Of course, it’s AWESOME to imagine how quickly my faith would turn around if I saw Jesus pick a paralytic up by the hand and see him walk for the first time, and certainly the miracle of Jesus raising from the dead after being executed to cover up all the sins I commit is the pinnacle of the Christian faith. But, it isn’t the only part of the story. If you take a look at Matthew 8-9, you will see that intertwined with all the stories of healing, Jesus eats with tax collectors and sinners, challenges the Pharisees, teaches about the cost of following Him and encourages the disciples to pray for others. Jesus' ministry was focused on eternal significance, not a Band-Aid quick fix. You’ll also notice that Jesus often instructs the recipients of his physical healing power to tell no one. Now, I always thought that was strange. Jesus just did something that no one else can do, and he doesn’t want optimum props for it? What kind of man IS this?! I have heard many people explain this, and I believe the reason is that Jesus doesn’t want us to think of him as just that cool dude who makes the blind see, but rather wants us to follow him because of the spiritual healing he does in our lives, the forgiveness of sins and eternal life he can offer – and that’s the big payoff. I’m starting to see that the biggest miracle of all is the turning over of a person’s life fully to Christ, and that definitely happens in modern day!! This true love that Jesus has to offer all of us trumps even the raising of the dead. Perhaps it is too easy to see the birth of a baby, the beautiful nature all around us, compassion, kindness and health as hum-drum everyday occurrences, but I beg to differ.

I love what Philip Yancey writes on the subject:
“I readily concede that Jesus, with a few dozen healings and a handful of resurrections from the dead, did little to solve the problem of pain on this planet. That is not why he came. Nevertheless, it was in Jesus’ nature to counteract the effects of the fallen world during his time on earth....The miracles he did perform, breaking as they did the chains of sickness and death, give me a glimpse of what the world was meant to be and instill hope that one day God will right its wrongs. To put it mildly, God is no more satisfied with this earth than we are; Jesus’ miracles offer a hint of what God intends to do about it.”

This begs the question, then – what miracles have been happening in my life lately? So glad you asked...

I made it up to Mt. Bachelor park after about 18 miles of grueling climbing on my bike and didn’t die! Miracle #1.

I endured a three-day long business trip/class in Santa Barbara on Light Scattering of molecules whilst a huge forest fire raged and snowed ash down on us (so much for the beach). Miracle #2.

I am making some new friends and trying to take in as much of the beauty of Bend as I can while I live here. Miracles #3 and #4.

My perception of modern-day miracles was challenged today in such a way that I pray it will provide me the inspiration to further and deepen my identity in Christ - something I have been craving intensely. I have (thankfully) been receiving encouragement from people, experiences, long-awaited introspection, sermons and reading lately which I believe is pushing me in a new direction. Where I’m going next, I’m not sure. Timeline? No clue. But, I am realizing there’s a lot of work to do on myself in preparation for what God will hopefully drop right in my lap. May we have the drive to rejoice in the miracles and “wonders” we can see daily, but moreover I hope we realize the love of Christ and how radically that acceptance changes lives.

You turned me into somebody loved

2007-08-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

~The Weepies (Somebody Loved - my favorite song right now)

It’s been a week since the wedding event of 2007. My brother Alan and my new sister Leah got married after a very fast 4 month engagement last Saturday. The past three months of my life have been extremely stressful for many reasons which I may blog about in the future, but suffice to say, I’m starting to feel like I’m getting my life back somewhat, just in time to realize that summer is on it's way out. At least with the wedding done and the marriage off to a good start, I feel that all the wedding craziness was well worth it. After all, Leah is awesome and I love my only brother very much.

I took seven days off of work to see my brother race (he got first in one race and qualified for nationals!) and help out as much as I could with the last-minute wedding stuff, and while I came back more tired than I was when I left Bend, it was still a great trip. I got to see many family members and old family friends I hadn’t seen in a long time, had a lot of fun hanging out with all my brother’s friends (who are extremely amazing people), and most importantly, I got to know my new sister a lot better, even in the midst of the insanity (not hers, just the whole crazy week!).

With wedding on the brain the last 3 months especially, I couldn’t help but think about what I would do if I got married, who I would invite, and all that annoying stuff I never want to think about, but just enters the brain involuntarily. After the whole experience, I have to say that eloping has moved to the top of the list! It’s amazing to me how one day of celebration can get so complicated, expensive and stressful even when most people can step outside the situation and acknowledge that the little things (and maybe some of the bigger ones) don’t and won’t matter in the long run. I have so many friends who have gotten married or have been involved with weddings and tell me the unbelievably terrible experiences they’ve had. One of my coworkers feels so negatively about weddings that she refuses to be a bridesmaid anymore and eloped with her husband to Hawaii were the law does not require witnesses at the ceremony (pretty extreme, but they were SO happy). Why do we, as Americans obsessed with putting on the best wedding and party, following silly traditions and one-upping others’ ceremonies, get so completely crazy? It’s inexplicable to me.

Regardless of the “wedding norm” and the busyness that comes with involvement in any event, I couldn’t be happier that Leah and Alan asked me to be in their wedding – it was wonderful to stand up there with them, during what was the best wedding ceremony I’ve ever been to, bar none. Even though I haven’t been around the two of them much while they’ve been together, I can tell that they love each other deeply and have such similar personalities and senses of humor that they do seem a perfect match!

A week has passed, and I’m starting to recover and get my life in order...just in time to hop a plane to Santa Barbara for my first business trip on Monday! It’s time to enjoy the rest of the summer in Bend....so I’m going to go climb 20 miles up a mountain on my bike. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Here’s to Alan and Leah and many many years of happiness and adventure!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

2007-05-04T20:09:00.000-07:00

It’s May. I’ve been at my job for four months. You wouldn’t guess it, though. This morning I awoke and found that the rooftops in my neighborhood had a significant amount of snow on them. I always thought that spring weather in Seattle was manic, but it’s nothing compared to living in a desert! It was 76 last Friday, and it’s been snowing/raining/hailing/sunny/windy all this week.

In many ways, however, this weather suits me in my current mood and place in life. I’m up and down lately more than the Dow. I can’t explain it at all. In the last few years I have learned that I’m a person who thrives on change and new things to get excited about. So, am I reaching a point where my current state isn’t good enough any more? Most of all, I guess, I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my life. I feel like my blog is a broken record, and certainly my time in Eugene, while short, showed me how much loneliness affects me. So, you’d think I’d love the fact that I have roommates and people to talk to at night. I do a lot of times, but usually I come home exhausted and just want to be quiet, watch the Colbert Report (my new favorite show), sleep or just think. Ah, the old adage: you always want what you can’t have.

In the last month I’ve started to go to a church that's close to home. I’m hopeful that I can get involved there and ideally it will be a place I can feel at home and make some new friends. I have to keep reminding myself that while I have started hanging out with a few people at work and am slowing starting to see more of Bend by bike and outings, moving to a new place where you don’t know anyone is a slow transition. How hard it can be. I sometimes wonder why I left a good group of friends and family in the first place. I took so much for granted in college – especially built-in friends all in similar places in life and all needing each other. I know it can be better than this, and maybe I’m getting there. I just need patience. And courage.

Coincidentally, today I was offered a real job at Bend Research! I guess I don’t have too much to complain about, except this terrible dichotomy of feeling like I’m working way too hard, but having a huge desire to “make data” as my cubicle-mate Steve puts it. I can’t believe they’re doing this, but they offered to pay me a real bachelor’s level salary for the next 5 months until I get my Master’s Degree, at which point they’ll pump up the compensation pretty awesomely! I had no idea that everyone at work thought I was doing so well, but this speaks volumes to the fact that working hard does indeed pay off. This is pretty cool and feels largely undeserved since I feel like I only know what I’m doing about 60% of the time and totally messed something up today J I never thought I’d stay on at my internship, but in keeping with my MO, I normally throw up my arms and say, “let’s see what happens!” and this is no exception. BRI is a fantastic place to be professionally and personally, and I have a feeling that’s extremely rare in the science realm. I feel like I’ve grown up so much in the last4 months, but I don’t know if I’m ready for 401Ks, health insurance and crazy taxes quite yet. Regardless, it’ll be a great chance to grow up more and learn how to be an adult no matter how long this chapter in my life lasts. I think in the back of my head, I always thought my mom would be sending me my health insurance card and my dad would send my car insurance cards. Oh, and then there’s the new idea of paying for all my living expenses. Budget, here I come! Maybe.

So, there have definitely been changes recently. I’m thankful that I’m starting to pull my shit together a little better and focus more on what really matters. Who knows what the next few years or even months holds for me, but I am pleased with the fact that things fall into place for me in spite of myself oftentimes. For that, I owe all the credit to God.

Oh we like sheep have gone astray

2007-04-07T21:43:00.000-07:00

~Handel’s Messiah

What does a normally dedicated blogger do when she hasn’t blogged in 2 months? Make excuses? Talk about how busy and tired she’s been? Catch everyone up on all the crazy things that have happened in the last 8 weeks? Start from scratch? Ask a bunch of annoying questions? A little bit of everything?

The last two months have been a blur, but when I stop and try to pick out items of note, I realize that although I’m still lonely at times and feel like I do nothing but work and exercise, things are on a definite upswing. So, here we go, in rapid-fire incomplete sentences:

Worked a lot of overtime, played bball on a city league team, Kellie and Elizabeth came to visit me in Bend - awesome! (that’s about all I can remember about February), flew to Seattle for my cousin Megan’s wedding and grandpa’s 90th birthday, the next weekend drove to Seattle to fly to MAUI with my family for a glorious week-long vacation, drove back down to Bend, watched as much of March Madness as was humanly possible, had a dinner party with some friends from work, went up to Portland last weekend for cousin Chris’ 30th birthday and to see the family I spent time with in China, and last but not least, my brother and Leah got engaged on Wednesday (!!!!!)

Congrats, you two! I love ya.

So, you see...March has not been without its craziness, but I like that in a lot of ways.

Strangely, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (I know, weird, isn’t it?) this last week, and while I can’t say I’ve had tons of epiphanies, I do feel like I’m growing up and learning things daily. Some highlights:

1) gossip at work can get out of control: enough said
2) being the only single girl in my entire company is a recipe for disaster
3) my plans and ideas of what a successful, rational, fun life looks like are (and should be) much different from those I’m close to
4) I care way too much about how I look even though I don’t wear makeup
5) If this dating thing ever actually happens to me, I’m going to be terrible at it and awkward at all times
6) God is the most patient entity in existence and always will be

I have been astray for a pretty solid year now, yet God quietly waits for me to seek him with a new, fresh and dedicated passion. What is it about Lent and Easter that makes me feel such a sense of obligation and at the same time, desire, to “get right with God”? I’m not even sure if I’ve ever experienced being “right” with Him, the one whom I’ve associated my whole identity with for almost 15 years. But, do I really know Him? Good Friday has always been my yearly wake-up call, which is why I count it as the most significant day every year in my life. There are no presents, no family get-togethers, no special meals to overeat at. Just a time for me to cut through all the crap and realize how little I allow God into my life, and even knowing that would be the case almost 2000 years later in Bend, Oregon, He was tortured for hours and suffered pain worse than I will ever feel. For ME. For YOU.

I’ve been reading the gospel of John this Lenten season, and because he was an eye-witness of Jesus’ crucifixion, his account really struck me today while I read it. Mostly, chapter 17 of John just blows me away. Jesus, in all his fear and anxiety about what is about to happen to him, spends a long time praying for his disciples and believers in the future. That’s me and you again. Selflessness, humility, unconditional love. That’s Jesus, and that’s a tough act to follow.

In this time of Easter celebration and remembrance, may you, no matter who you are or what you believe, realize how much Jesus loved you back when he died for you 2000 years ago and felt every crappy and horrible thing that has ever happened in your life. That’s a God worth giving my whole life to, and even though He knows and I know I’ll never be perfect, the desire to seek, learn and love is what He asks me for.

“’[I pray] for those who believe in Me...I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me.’” ~John 17:20-23

I’d do almost anything that you want me to do....but I can’t go for that - no can do

2007-02-02T19:44:00.000-08:00

~Hall and Oates

For some unknown reason, I found myself singing this wonderful Hall and Oates song while in lab today. Then, I thought: perfect title for my next blog!

It’s February. How’d that happen? I just finished my first full month as a working girl and I’m exhausted. How do people do this their whole lives?! At the same time, I’ve got to be one of the luckiest people to be working and living where I am, so I just need to ramp up on the energy...maybe when it warms up and I shake this little cold.

This whirlwind of a month has taught me a ton about Chemistry, life and the working world. In a measly 4 weeks, I have been taught to basically do everything that my fundamentals group does (which encompasses about a third of the 120 employees at my site). I guess that makes me valuable, right? It is a cool feeling to know how to do things that most of my coworkers don’t know, but then I’m always put in my place by those blasted “intern” comments. “You’re an intern, Katie...that means you’re dispensable” said Jeff the NMR specialist today at work with a big grin. I think I’m starting to get some respect and thus gain some independence in all I do, but it’s made for a BUSY last two weeks when I do a little bit of 5 or 6 other people’s jobs. I did get my own desk this week, which has been a great change and a way to get to know some awesome people!

What do I do at Bend Research, you may wonder? Or actually, you may not. Pharmaceutical research is more confidential than I expected, so I can’t say much, but I will say that other than synthesizing drug delivery system polymer components, I do a lot of drinking free beverages from work, applying and reapplying lotion 35 times a day, wishing that all my very attractive male coworkers weren’t married, hauling 3 1-gallon bottles of hazardous waste to the outdoor shed over and over again (real fun on days when it’s sub-20 F in Bend), joking around with coworkers, breaking glassware in lab (a 4-L beaker and two grad cylinders this week...whoopsie), doing dishes in an extremely scary anomaly called a ‘base bath’ (pH 14 bath that will dissolve virtually anything but the glass itself), wondering if the guy who re-stocks our beverage fridges has a crush on me, and apparently garnering a reputation for calling the newest hire a douche bag...

It’s been a great experience so far, but I have found that the whole corporate-world really bothers me. Kissing-ass and saying the right things at the right time (what the boss wants to hear) have never been my strong points, and always make me feel like a greasy businessperson. I prefer honesty and questions in meetings rather than pretending that everything is great and you aren’t wasting your time. But, at the same time, I’m hoping I get offered a job in 8 months, so maybe I should just shut my mouth unless I have a damn good idea. This could be difficult. :)

Interestingly, my group is known as the harcore beer-drinking crew, and I went along last week and had an amazing stout that even my mother could have handled (coffee and chocolate flavors), so maybe I can even learn to like beer! It’s a stretch, but I’m game for pretty much anything...

But Bud Light? I can’t go for that – no can do.

I can't complain

2007-01-21T13:30:00.000-08:00

~Nickel Creek ("Can't Complain")

(written January 12, 2007)

Temperature reading on my car at 7:30am: 0°F
Temperature at lunchtime for the outdoor workout: 22°F

I never knew what it felt like to have my nostril hairs freeze....until today. Now that’s one of the strangest feelings ever. My first week in Bend has been full of fun, new life experiences, nice people, early mornings, even more beautiful scenery than Seattle, and some intense workouts!

In a week, I have become a semi-saavy snow and ice driver...something I never thought would happen. The drive from Eugene was fairly epic. For some reason, the designer of my car thought: “let’s see how small I can make the clearance between the tires and the wheel well,” making it nearly impossible to put the chains on the car. But that’s not all. At the second pass on the way to Bend, we were forced to stop and chain up. Dad jumps out in his shorts and has his chains on the suburban before I can even get all layered up. I was feeling good because I was totally going to do this on my own. I get the chains out and layed behind the tire...and I can’t fit my fingers under the wheel well. Turns out that 300 pounds of books and other most likely unneeded shit in your car weighs it down a little....who knew? So, after unloading the trunk and using the jack, my chains were on and things were looking great. It was actually fun (and beautiful) driving over to Bend.

So now, I live in a house that my roommate, Jinn, owns. We also have another roommate, Beth. So far, we are having fun and doing more than I thought I would in my first week here. Jinn and I went running on Saturday, which was an interesting experience when I started to slip on the ice and contemplate how badly injured I would get if I bit the dust. Supposedly they have these things called Yak tracks which are basically strap-on snow shoes to run in....I might have to invest. Jinn played D1 basketball at Montana State and has already recruited me to play post on their way-better- than-me city league team, which could be fun or frustrating...I’m not sure yet.

Work went amazingly well this week. I wasn’t as exhausted as I usually am the first week of a real job, the snow and ice were hardly ever a problem, I love all of my coworkers, and as far as I know at this point, I really like what I’m doing in lab. Bend Research, Inc. is an awesome place to work. I’ve already been invited out for beers twice, we get free food and drinks all the time, I can see about 6 mountains from our parking lot, we have really awesome outdoor workouts with a personal trainer a bunch of times a week, and then there’s the holiday party tomorrow. Hm. This should be interesting since I swear 98% of my coworkers, although they’re mostly only in their late 20s to late 30s are friggin married. Lots of cute guys...all with rings. Blast. That’s worse than all ugly guys by a long shot!

So far I’ve made a couple freshman mistakes in lab, and I don’t feel like I’m getting the respect I deserve quite yet, but there’s time for that. I made three different polymers, and started getting trained on some equipment too. There is also, apparently, time for like 6 meetings a day. Not including my first day, which was all meetings, I’ve been to 5 in the last 4 days. Not too shabby for a first week intern. Of course, don’t ask me whether I understand what they’re saying or not.

So there we have it. I’m alive and loving Bend so far. Even the crazy-ass coldness isn’t that bad, and I will be going through a bottle of lotion every day. Did I mention I got paid today? Things are definitely looking up. Oh, and this is my view from work:

So, this is the New Year...and I don’t feel any different (written Jan 3)

2007-01-19T19:33:00.000-08:00

~Death Cab for Cutie (The New Year)

At least not quite yet.

In retrospect, 2006 was a year I could never have predicted. Even just in December: the “northwest windstorm 2006” hit with a no-holds-barred attitude (it will probably be remembered even more than the Inaugural Day storm in 1993), James Brown died on Christmas, I set a record for most Christmas cookies eaten in one week, Sadaam was noosed a couple days following, it snowed in Seattle twice, Gerald Ford passed away last week, and I had a lovely liquid New Years Eve following a day of driving in pretty much every district of Seattle to see friends. For me, some of 2006 was good, a lot of it was mediocre, and a small portion I’d rather not recall. Oh, it also rained an insane amount.

Driving home last night from Seattle to Eugene to prepare for the big move across the mountains to Bend this Friday, I hydroplaned enough to make me eligible for the Seafair races this summer. White-knuckling for 6 hours straight and streaming profanity at trucks is not my favorite activity. Now I get to prepare for some snow driving this week...yee haw!

This past month while I was at home, even though I was often busy knitting, baking cookies, cooking dinner for my parents, wrapping gifts, watching TV or sleeping, I made some pivotal realizations. First, I finally had to understand that I don’t have money. Any. Not working for 6 months really can stick it to ya. Perhaps I’ll have to take a stab at (gasp) budgeting in the near future. Secondly, Christmas wasn’t as magical this year. I’m not fully certain I can explain why, but things just seemed different, less joyful and rushed this year. Plus, apparently I’m “growing up”? It was still fun, and having some new additions to the family was certainly a treat. At Quest Church on Sunday, we had time to talk about the past year and share with each other. It’s so easy to say that I was busy this year and just didn’t prioritize time with the Lord, like I could say every year. But, I can pinpoint it a little more this year: the word for 2006 was distraction. The first six months, when I was loving my senior year even in the midst of some health problems, I allowed myself to be involved in seemingly everything, yet left some of the most important goals at the curb. Then, of course, when I moved to Eugene, I had a ton of time to exercise, read the Bible and other books, pray, et cetera. But, did I, you ask? Of course not. I allowed my perceived fatigue, knitting, classes, crippling loneliness (just kidding), incessant movie watching, slacking and zombie internet-surfing to squeeze out most of the time I could have spent doing more valuable activities.

So, as I look forward to 2007, I have a lot of hopes. Sure, you may call them resolutions, but whatever the nomenclature, I have lofty goals for what will happen in the next 12 months. I will be going to an insane amount of weddings, which is all good, as well as a much anticipated family trip to Hawaii and hopefully lots of outdoor fun in Bend and wherever I can afford to go. But more than doing, I hope this year is a year of thinking, prioritizing, reading, renewed commitment to health and being active, and most of all, putting my relationships first. I also have committed to flossing and doing 30 pushups a day. We’ll see how long that lasts...although, I shouldn’t jinx it on January 3rd.

Will Katie (and her coworkers) live through her first “real” job as a Chemistry researcher? Is there romance in her future? How about friends? Can she ski without breaking a bone for the first time? Will she freeze to death? How will the BMW fare in the snow and craziness? Will Katie meet and marry John Krasinski? How radical will her knitting skills get?

Stay tuned as Katie’s 23rd years unfolds and probably surprises even her at most moments...

Lady in Red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek

2006-12-09T22:50:00.000-08:00

~Chris De Burgh

I should be packing my apartment up, sleeping, or exercising, but instead I had to make you laugh.

What a week it has been. I started studying for my inorganic test 3 hours before it commenced, and it went fine (disaster averted there). My other finals responsibilities I treated with about the same level of procrastination, and turns out I did the exact right amount of work. There's something about that last-minute rush of adrenaline that I love. So I am officially done with classwork for my master's degree - how odd, especially when you consider I graduated less than 6 months ago!

This week has made me slightly sad to be leaving because I finally made friends! Rachael, my back-row buddy in inorganic, is awesome, and just today we went to the holiday market together with her son and got some fun presents. The best part of this week, however, was Thursday night at the Chemistry Christmas Party! Every year, the Chemistry department sees it appropriate to wine and dine the grad students with our tuition money in a beautiful holiday banquet. It was great, my friend Marie and I were 2 hours late, and there was still tons of food because 90% of the people there go straight for the free booze. Ah, what a lifestyle.

The polymer girls decided to get all gussied up, so we felt extremely overdressed, but it was fun to actually look nice once while living in Eugene since I wore my gym clothes to class everyday and completely stopped wearing makeup when I moved down here! We had fun at the party, and then most of the students from the lab I worked in last summer and many of the students in my program went to a bar to hear my friend Jen (also in the DT lab) play at an open mike night. Commence the ridiculousness.

Before the huge crowd arrived, a few people went hog-wild with my new digital camera and took some hysterical pictures (picasaweb.google.com/katiebugk). We listened to painful guitar "artists" for what seemed like hours until the rest of the group showed up. And boy, did they show up. Plastered, that is. When Jen and Garrett finally played, I got to see my first drunken dancing and was dragged into it by my good friend Justin. Their set of covers was awesome and people were having a great time. I took some video to highlight the evening. Even sober I still had a blast!

Then, the night took a turn for the interesting. All night I had noticed a little bit of attention on me by lots of older guys. I always chock it up to my height, especially since I was wearing 3" heels, but Thursday night, I think it also had something to do with the red dress I had on. Now, to preface the coming story you must understand I had never been truly asked out or "hit on" until I moved to Eugene. For the story of my first experience, read my blog from this summer (or don't). So, while Jen was getting sick in the bathroom, all the guys started to descend upon me. All of a sudden I hear: "Miss, I just wanted to tell you that you're super beautiful." It took me a second to realize he was talking to me and then, of course, I tried to dissuade him by telling him I was moving this weekend. He said he'd commute. I was stuck. So, taking the advice of magazines and much more knowledgeable friends over the years, I told him he could give me his number. Big mistake. He then proceeds to introduce me to his GRANDFATHER who came to the bar too, and then sit down with me and write his number on a powerball ticket (because, he said, "love is like the lotto") .

This piece of work is 34, lives with his grandpa, doesn't work, lives off "investments", "will be a millionaire in 3 years", and "cooks lots of organic meals." I couldn't even think of anything sarcastic to say back, I was just completely blown away. He wouldn't go away or stop telling me how pretty I was, so when he started to argue with a guy sitting next to him, I got up quickly to go talk to Justin. At the end of the night, this dude comes back to say goodnight and says (I'm not kidding you here): "I just want you to know that it's unanimous. I asked every guy in here, and they all think you're gorgeous." OH MY LORD. Luckily, my friend Jen was sitting next to me and was so drunk that she quickly chimed in and said "too bad she's with me."

The rest of the evening (which lasted until 3:30am, and also included a trip to Burrito Boy and of course, fulfillment of my Designated Driver duties) was filled with lots of attention from a certain guy that I really liked last summer and haven't talked to since. When he had had enough to drink, he got up the courage to come talk to me and then stuck around and got a little friendly. It was, again, very interesting. There really isn't another word to describe this evening.

So what have we learned here? Don’t say the guy can give you his number if you’re totally freaked out by him. Give him the simple truth: dude, I’m not interested. Also, if I'm feeling blue, all I need to do is sport that red dress, some heels and hit up a bar in Eugene. If I don't want guys rubbing my leg or trying to hold my hand, I should probably stick to my normal guy-repellent of no makeup, hairy legs and sweats. It works like a charm.

oooh, baby, baby it's a wild world

2006-12-04T13:03:00.001-08:00

~Cat Stevens

It's funny, I look back on these last 5 months as the biggest slump of my life (yet). While that's sad, and mildly depressing, it's changed me. A lot. Coming to Eugene was going to be my first real chance to be away from home and I was going to go it alone successfully and adventurously, while taking the solo time to get to know myself outside of SPU and Seattle and, most importantly, to be more in tune with my God I want so badly to know better.

It started off okay. I really liked my first polymer class and July was full of fun (in comparison to the months to follow, at least), including an impromtu road trip to the Nickel Creek concert in Bend. This event prompted the beginning of this blog and the statement that I would never again live the same day twice. How idealistic of me. Well, that was a nice thought, but as fatigee, very weird health issues, lack of both friends and motivation all set in over the rest of the summer and fall, I have now realized that I'm not a fan of the "Katie" in Eugene, and I certainly live the same boring existence over and over. Well, if you consider the different knitting projects I work on and movies I watch each day, I guess they're technically not identical....but you get the picture *sigh*

I'm determined, however, to shake myself out of this apathy, and even though I just had to cut a painful check for $1800 to buy my freedom from my landlord, my impending move to Bend, Oregon after the Holidays has me hoping that sunshine (and apparently a lot of snow) are just around the corner. I really can't explain what's been wrong with me, but I can tell you I've learned quite a few things about myself recently, which I'm hoping will be worth it in the long run:

1. Being alone for long periods of time does crazy things to my psychological health and motivation in all areas
2. I really, really want to keep in touch with people
3. Cooking isn't as fun when you're eating alone
4. I have brought myself to a level of procrastination I never before thought possible (which is why I'm blogging now instead of studying for my final tomorrow)
5. While I like spontenaity, I'm finding I need a small amount of routine so that I actually DO things (especially when it comes to quiet time)
6. Living by myself would be okay for me if I had my friends in the same city
7. I miss very simple things: talks with Kellie in my room, playing UNO and Balderdash with the pals, Falconettes meetings, going to Quest church, having people over for dinner, and seeing my family
8. I get very weird ideas/thoughts when I'm alone with my thoughts
9. TV is a drug
10. I'm finally officially sick of school (for now)
11. I actually am capable of crying occasionally (I was beginning to wonder!)

However, there is a silver lining. I have picked up some new hobbies (other than being a total bed-potatoe) and bettered myself at others, and this has been my reason for living. I absolutely love racquetball now, I'm getting pretty good at knitting and making jewlery, and I've got surprising potential in Tai Chi, which I plan to continue with in Bend. I have found that the only time I can consistently feel great is after a Tai Chi class. I also am building my tolerance to spicy/hot foods, and have come a long way. Oh, that and The Office is the single greatest TV show ever.

In addition, as I said above, I am much easier to please now. I still love being outdoors and doing activities, but as long as there are people around, I'm officially good. That's why the last couple of weeks have been a bit of a deviation from the mean. I've made two good friends in Eugene, and we hang out, knit, watch The Office and cook fabulous meals, which has been wonderful. November is always the best because it houses my all-time favorite holiday which was great this year because it included both sides of my family, Kellie, and my cousin Megan's boyfriend who just arrived from Burkina Faso (West Africa). It was also wild because I skipped TWO classes to come home a day early (my first time skipping ever!). This year was a little more crazy because my cousin Chris finally proposed to his awesome girlfriend Jenny, and my brother made it official with his new girlfriend all in the week prior to Thanksgiving. Cap it off with some good time with friends from SPU, a freak Seattle snow storm, and two of the best desserts I've ever made, and I had the ingredients for a great week at home!

So you see, I will live. I have less than a week in this city and then I get to go home! Life isn't always perfect, but mine has been pretty amazing up until this latest experience. I really can't complain.

This where we used to live

2006-11-09T20:23:00.000-08:00

~Barenaked Ladies (Old Apartment)

Awoken at 4:31am Sunday morning by the fire blazing inside the dumpster across from my apartment (and the firetruck about 10 yards from my window), I layed back on my pillow and thought...I can't wait to move to Bend. Waking up twice to fires, once to a bum urinating in my alley and countless times to profanity being shouted by passersby, I'm ready to not live in apartment #205.

Now, granted, I was the one who told everyone how neat Eugene is before I moved. I'm not recanting that statement, but coupled with having about 5 friends and living in the middle of downtown, I'm getting tired of being alone and I'm ready for something new (after 5 months...ha!).

That said, I've compiled a list of things to look for in your upcoming apartment hunt, should you find yourself there.

1) Look for an apartment building not manufactured in 1927. Sure, everyone thinks old is "cute"...until they live there.
2) Similarly, look for an apartment new enough that there are double-paned windows and screens so that you don't freeze to death in the winter and get all sorts of dirt on your floors from the neighboring gravel parking lot when your windows are open.
3) Find a place NOT on an alley in a semi-shady area of the downtown district (especially when bums run rampant in your city). This could lead to all sorts of bathroom, drinking, ranting and tagging sounds at all hours of the day and night.
4) When looking at neighborhoods, try NOT to choose an area directly in between the hospital and the firestation, both being 2 blocks from you.
5) Find a place with a bathtub that drains and a toilet that is far enough from the tub that you don't have to sit side-saddle to sling a deuce.
6) Non-creaking and somewhat insulated hardwood floors would be a plus.
7) Electrical outlets in the bathroom could be handy at times.
8) Being within eyeshot of the chain-smoking "hairdressers" and skater teeny-boppers in the parking lot isn't the best.
9) More than 2 square feet of counter space might be useful.
10) Don't live on "High Street". You'll hear no end of it from your family.
11) Find a landlord that doesn't strip you of everything but your milk money for rent, and then stab you repeatdely in the ribs when you break the lease early.

Not exhaustive, but a good start for you, I'd say. In a related story, I think I just found a roommate in Bend on craigslist today! She sounds great, and the place is a sweet duplex very close to my job...so far, so good. More to come...

your palms are sweaty and i'm barely listening

2006-11-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

~The Postal Service ("The District Sleeps Alone Tonight")

There's nothing like a good ass-kicking by three tiny, perky aerobics instructors to make you re-evaluate your level of fitness. This week was fitness week at U of O, and in addition to my Friday racquetball date with my friend Bevin, she made me do the pushup challenge and the free "stretch and flex" aerobics class.

We started with pushups in the weight room, in front of many boys who are much stronger than me. The previous day's winner for modified pushups (I know, I'm lame) had done 24. Psh, I can beat that by a LONG shot, I thought. 33 pushups later my arms were shaking around like the torso of an overweight belly dancer. Bevin did 50....and she's been sick. Racquetball was fun, but the whole time, there was this dark cloud of doubt over me...am I going to eat shit at this aerobics class and look like a complete imbecile?

The first of the 2o minute segments was okay for me. Lunges, balance work (which I'm much better at now that I do Tai Chi, I must say) and some others to beef up my already disproportionate Klug thunder thighs. Ah, but the second girl must have seen me and whispered to her fellow instructors: amazon girl in the back? I'm going to break her....real good.

Most of the stuff we did I'd seen before in my exponentially increasing workout video library. Mostly pilates moves, but the pace and intensity was a bit faster. Of course, my arms are still feeling the pain from the little contest earlier in the afternoon, which didn't help. My abs were feeling it, but I was holding serve until....dun dun dun...the isometric work. I'm always amazed that holding still is so much harder than doing situps or lunges or cardio. Ever heard of the plank? You basically hold yourself still in a pushup-mode, except your elbows are on the ground. I do this from time to time, but the instructor had us do this once, let us rest, and then killed me by making us lift one leg up at a time. Ouch. Okay, too many details. But, by this time, I'm completely sweated through my shirt, dripping from the forehead, and of course slipping around on my mat like a grape evading chopsticks, which made staying still very difficult.

Thank God for the stretch lady...that I can do. Overall, a fun workout extravaganza, but sheesh! I thought I was in pretty good shape and could hold my own in pilates-type classes. Nice try. I guess almost 4 solid years of working out doesn't mean you can do every move anyone throws at you the first time. In fact, I bet there are a ton of performance athletes that would suffer at the hands of many a pilates instructor. It really reinforced to me also that exercising with others is not only more fun, but is much more motivating. It's even strangely fun to listen to all the disco/techno remixes of popular Maroon 5, Ricky Martin and 98 degrees songs pumped up and sped up to keep with the pace of the class. Classic line of the day: "it hurts so good" (my brother says that too).

I think I may start doing pushups every night so that I never embarrass myself that badly again.

I'm nerdy in the extreme, I'm whiter than sour cream

2006-10-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

~Weird Al (White &Nerdy)

Since I seem to have a tendency at this point in my journey to be depressing, I thought it time to share some of the more simple joys in my life with you (at least those that can be linked).

1) Weird Al finally made it to the top ten. Check out the new video from whence my title came. This man is a genius.

2) Few things or people make me laugh more than Conan O'Brien. It's a shame I'm an old foage and can't stay up that late anymore. My all-time favorite Conan clip. It's worth the 7 minutes, I assure you.

3) This cute and hysterical ad never quite made it to television, but was brought to my attention by my fabulous cousin, Chris. Prepare to wet yourself laughing.

Why am I in such a good mood? I had a fabulous day yesterday. Fall still is resisting here in Eugene, and it was beautiful and 70 yesterday with the perfect chill in the air. I went to early service at church, went on a spectacular bike ride, and then had a wonderful 4 hour meal with my second parents, John and Mariley. They were coming through Eugene on their way home to Seattle, and stopped to see me. It's strange how a simple gesture like that made my week, even my month. I love these people, and we talked forever about pretty much everything under the sun. Among the topics of discussion was our decision that the Super Bowl should be a best of 3 tournament....3 days in a row. Let's see what they're REALLY made of. In addition, all the first string would be exhausted and injured, so everyone would see some PT (playing time). A spectacular start to the week, and next weekend promises to be fun as well. Enjoy the links!

He was showing his love, and that's how he hurt his hands

2006-10-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

~Nickel Creek (The Hand Song)

Every day on my way to campus and back, I walk past a whole host of characters, some the same, some just once. The University of Oregon is quite committed to free speech and rights of all kinds, so pretty much anyone can give out flyers and talk to you about issues, which is great. Unfortunately, sometimes I just don't want to talk, so I've learned (along with the other 18,000 students) to avert eye contact, and occasionally fake a phone call. Gone are the days of SPU where I knew everyone at the booths, and walked to class with my head up, talking and smiling at everyone.

Let me introduce you to two of the regulars on the U of O campus. His name is FROG. The whole city knows him. He frequents the Saturday market, and every day I have attended the U, is waiting on 13th street by the bike shop with his shorts and waist-length white beard asking people: "have you seen the funniest joke book ever known to man?" I always say "no thanks," but according to one friend, he is homeless and is selling the books for three bucks apiece. Now, in a lot of ways, I have to give Frog props for actually being creative and trying to earn an income. But, I'm so sick of hearing his little phrase, so I usually walk down the other side of the street.

There are two older men who spend every day at the entrance to campus (not far from Frog). They, too, are well known in the city and can be seen most Saturdays at the market. These men have a different agenda, however. That is to bring the entire city of Eugene to God by holding a sign that says "JESUS LOVES YOU :)" They just sit there, and have a friend or two that comes to greet them every now and again. My favorite is an older guy who rides on campus every day with knee-length yellow socks and his whole bike outfit...today, he had his helmet covered in yellow plastic because it was raining. Every day I walk by them, and every day I wish they would realize that for 99% of these college students (or more), they aren't making a twit of difference. As a believer in Christ, I hate to be so cynical. But, the fact is that I've learned you can tell people about God and that he loves them, but until they experience something completely different, are forced to face their imperfections (dare I say sins?), or see Christians acting in a loving, merciful and contrary manner to the world in general, no one will get through. One day, these men must have been feeling a little more lucky, and were shouting a sermon-like tirade about hell and the eternal separation for God-haters. Wonderful, I thought, now whoever might have given them an audience thinks they are myopic, judgmental freaks. I have made my share of awful, judgmental and hurtful remarks throughout my growing up years, that I thought were for the good of the gospel, only to fear I might have turned people away. People need to be shown love, care and acceptance by Christians on behalf of the Christ they desire to follow...not have a sign pushed in their face and phrases about the damnation of hell rammed down their throats.

That is why today was especially interesting, and equally saddening. The men were out again with their signs, but this time, were opposed only a yard of two away by some guys holding a sign that read: "DENY JESUS: religion incites hatred and starts wars." My first reaction was to feel hurt by this comment, and also to chuckle at how this stalemate of signs began. Do the two parties talk to one another, or just stare in blind hatred?

Over the last hour or so since I returned to my apartment, I've really been mulling this all over. First, of course, the men with the DENY JESUS sign failed to realize that Jesus is not the head of every religion, and it would be ludicrous to say that Christianity is the only religion whose people make frequent mistakes and violent moves. But even so, saying that religion is what causes hatred and war in the world sets me aback. Certainly, people of so called "faith" throughout the history of the world have been at the helm of atrocious and scarring acts that do nothing but make people question what kind of god they serve. The Christian Crusades and Islamic "holy wars" still baffle me every day. Conversely, as you know, there do exist religions and Christian denominations which do little but preach pacifism and mercy. So, my main reaction to the sign is this:

We are all hopelessly fucked up. That's the simple truth. Religion or no, each person is unbelievably fallible whether they like to admit it or not. There certainly are those who use and have used their religion to justify acts of hatred, violence and intolerance. However, more often than not, I have learned that the wars, terrorist acts, violence and hatred that seems to come from people following a certain deity truly come from the inside of the flawed human being who is so overcome with their own wellbeing, opinion and oftentimes national pride that they have lost sight completely of what their "religion" professes and encourages. It is not Christians fighting with Islamic people in the middle east, it is Americans looking out for number one in a region they desire to exploit and control. If I may be so bold (and I may, it's my blog afterall), I would wager that even if every single breathing human on this earth were "Christians" as the majority of Christians live today, we'd have equal amounts of wars, violence, lies, betrayal and hatred worldwide. Why? We're all messed up and even as a "Christian" nation, there is so much to be learned about the Jesus who was killed for you and me, who hung out with the prostitutes and thieves, and who wanted his followers to show love in everyday settings to all people; being different, but never using their affiliations to put down, judge or hurt another who is loved by God.

I've been reading the Gospels lately, and just read this last night, which sums up my claim:
"[Jesus said] 'What comes out of a man is what makes him unclean. For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly.'" - Mark 7:20-23

Stop putting the wars and violence we see every day on "religions." Have some balls and realize it is the fault of the people that are taking life from their fellow humans.

a little toooooo ironic...yes I really do think

2006-10-10T21:13:00.000-07:00

~the most annoying song ever
(and, for completeness, my best friend Carrie says that nothing in that song is ironic, in the literary definition of the word)

I've been worrying lately that I have misused the word "irony" all my life. So, I looked it up tonight to set myself straight:

Irony - noun
1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning: the irony of her reply, “How nice!” when I said I had to work all weekend.
2. an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

The latter is what I usually mean when I say it. I think I use "ironic" in the rightful place of "coincidental" oftentimes as well. So, never fear, English majors!! I am not butchering the language as badly as I could have. Although, commas always get me and always will. Nothing I can do about that.

Therefore, it is quite coincidental (and perhaps also ironic) that the two baseball teams I am a closet fan of could (hopefully) meet in the world series. I guess it's true, now that I'm away from Seattle, that I can like any team I want. But, I still have a place in my heart for Edgar and those Mariners. Hopefully they'll stop sucking really soon. But, I digress. So, these two teams, you might be wondering, are the Oakland A's and the St. Louis Cardinals. Now, I have been an A's fan for sometime, and more recently have become a Cardinals fan. There is a reason for this, and his name is Mark Mulder. I know, I know, I'm lame. But, he's a great pitcher (uh, when he's healthy) and quite handsome, I'm not going to lie.

I first eyed him back in the 2000 playoffs, and quickly backstabbed my hometown AL West team for their arch-rival. Of course, I still rooted for the Mariners in games where the two met. Actually, after the initial crush, I started to realize that the team is quite amazing. What they have done with a small payroll is nothing short of astounding. If you're interested, I suggest you read "Moneyball" (I own it, and it ROCKS). So, when Mark was dished to St. Louis, mostly because I don't have any National League allegances, I decided to follow them a bit. Low and behold (ironically) they are a darn good team (we'll let it slide that they almost blew the biggest division lead in history this year)! Too bad Mulder keeps getting injured and can't pitch in the playoffs this year.

So there we have it. Irony abounds, as I love saying. Especially because I now have a TV that gets 3 channels (hand-me-down), which is great for watching LOST and The Office, but of course, I don't get FOX, so I can't watch any of the series. Perhaps I'll need to take to bars for the sake of baseball. The A's lost their fist ALCS game tonight, and the Cardinals play tomorrow. Do it for Mulder!

**In other news, for you who don't care about baseball: the creepy old guy from Ohio that hit on me at church (see my post"Sending out an SOS") called me last Sunday. Didn't answer, and as such, have the funniest, weirdest message EVER. I was going to post the entirety of the text, but I thought that might be slightly mean. Thank God for caller ID.

This strange plan in random at best

2006-10-06T17:34:00.000-07:00

~Built to Spill ("Strange")

What an odd year it has been. My senior year at SPU was a rollercoaster of really awesome and happy times and a couple not so happy ones. It was, however, my favorite year of college, mostly because I finally learned to strike a balance between working hard and playing hard, instead of just forgetting the latter. There was, however, this tiny little issue of what to do after college that every senior avoids like the plague. Being completely in denial that my undergraduate career was almost over, I decided not to think about it. I find that often, when I let go of my control of every little detail that things turn out well, so that was my semi-unconscious decision.

Fast-forward to late February, when the deadlines for Seattle U's MIT program was the following week and U of O's polymer program was two weeks away. On quite a whim, I went for the polymer program because I figured I'd be done in a year and I thought it would be cool to learn some new chemistry. I packed my bags two weeks after graduation, having absolutely NO clue what would transpire in the following 12 months, but confident that "everything would come out alright" as it always does. I found a place to live quickly (too quickly, in retrospect), started classes and immediately starting wondering if I'd made the right choice.

Things definitely have not gone how I thought and hoped thus far. I'm growing increasingly annoyed with where I live, I'm really lacking in motivation (although this week I've made huge steps in the right direction), I didn't get an internship in Eugene, I'm taking a Biochem class and I made a slightly silly financial "investment" (we'll call it) to get myself a job, which hasn't materialized yet, and I feel alone when I walk through crowds of students every day.
This sounds depressing, and at times, I admit, it is (although I find some of the above hysterical). As far as I can tell, I am a happy person who tries to stay positive, yet realistic. Yet, these last few months have tested me in ways I wasn't anticipating. However, I have hope that things will start to look up.

What I'm realizing is this: I need love. Not romantic love, but love from friends and family that says we'll get through this, I'm here for you and care about you. I don't just need people. There are plenty of people in Eugene, but I still feel alone because I don't have connection with most of them. I have found a really cool church, but because I'm leaving so soon I feel like it's not worth getting really involved. Why am I leaving, you ask? Well, I finally recieved an internship offer in Bend with a pharmaceutical company starting in January, which is exciting but quite scary! I definitely got shafted in the pay department, but what I'm most scared of is being by myself again. The people at the job seem great (and young!), but who knows what will happen?

So, what's the lesson from all this rambling? Maybe nothing. But, I guess I'm realizing that I don't want to spend life on the sidelines. I want to experience things with friends, learn new hobbies and enjoy life, but there is the reality that right now I'm away from the comfort zone I became all too familiar with, and that comes with a price. But, a good price. I'm learning a lot about myself, and this week began to really read the Bible and exercise daily for the first time in WAY too long. It could be the placebo effect, but I feel a lot better this week than I have in months. God has a great way of standing with me silently, waiting for me to choose to seek him, and whenever I do, he finds some way to bless me. Hopefully these new, unexpected changes that will take place in a few months will continue me on the path to self-discovery and maturity, and the realization that one bad day, week, or month shouldn't send me into a tailspin. I just have to look ahead with a excitement and a positive attitude and pray that I can makes wise choices as they arise, without regrets. I've also made a list of things I want to do, and intend to start crossing things off soon.

Because I'm into Built to Spill right now, here's another song I find fitting:
haven't had a half a hand in half of what i am
haven't heard of half the things that happened in the past
haven't givin half the time to half the people
and half the things i planned
you don't have to be so cruel, cause all i do is a little less than what i can
happiness'll only happen when it can
~Happiness

...the sun doesn't go down...it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round

2006-09-28T16:25:00.000-07:00

~The Flaming Lips (Do you realize?)

In a very fitting follow-up to my previous post about the joys and priviledges of learning, my mini-vacation with my parents this weekend produced some interesting questions. I met them at the Oregon Coast (same place we go every year, but I'm not complaining) and spent two days eating good food, hanging out and experiencing the absolute best weather I've ever seen on the coast (75 and no rain!). It was nice to see the parents, and Alan came to visit me this month, too, so that's been nice.

I've always been a big asker of questions, which my dad loves, so I guess I've been into learning since I was a little girl. However, when I was younger, it was probably more to the tune of, "why can't I go to my friend's house???" or "why can't I have a car?!?!"

This weekend produced many topics of discussion of varying importance:
1) What's the difference between sloe gin and gin?
2) What's up with body hair (specifically why do dudes bald and have facial hair, and why does gray hair change texture as well as color) and how can evolution explain it?
3) Why do we see red/orange at sunset? (I thought I knew the answer, but my dad shut me down while I was trying to explain it to mom)
4) Why do I eat about 4-times as much with my family than I do normally?

We're going to let #4 slide because I feel fat enough, and #1 is an easy answer:
1) gin: a neutral spirit from grain, flavored with juniper berries, 120 proof.
sloe gin: a wild cherry flavored neutral spirit base, 42-60 proof.

2) My research isn't through, but check out these links to learn more.
http://www.economist.com/science/displayStory.cfm?story_id=2281888
http://www.creationresearch.org/crsq/articles/40/40_4/Bergman.htm
Basically, it seems that if you believe we evolved from apes, the little hair we have in comparison is just "leftovers" and doesn't really have much of a purpose since most humans live in average to warm climates. However, most of us know that eyelashes, eyebrows, nose and ear hair are there to protect openings. I also found that some biologists believe that the shedding of hair was due to parasites. The less hair you have, the less opportunity for fleas and ticks to nest. Along with this, since men and women would then look for mates that were hairless (but men care more about looks), women have less hair because their mates were more picky. I'm not so sure I buy that, but it's an interesting thought.
As for grey hair, in the follicle, there are melanin cells, which give our hair its color. As we age, these melanin cells gradually die out, causing a transition to white, silver or grey hair. The texture I couldn't find anything specific on, however, I speculate that something in the lack of melanin might affect the texture as well.

3) The sunset. So beautiful. Ever notice that it's more pretty in polluted places like LA? This is because there is more "stuff" in the air (dirt, pollutants, etc). The reason the colors change towards nightfall is because there is more atmosphere (dirt, water, etc) between you and the sun, so the different wavelengths of light (the colors of the rainbow) are scattered, especially the blues and greens, allowing a higher relative amount of reds and oranges to reach your eye.
http://www.sciencemadesimple.com/sky_blue.html

Interesting, huh? I think this kind of post should happen more often. See why I want to be a teacher? I love practical science.

I don't know where the sunbeams end and the starlight begins - it's all a mystery

2006-09-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

~The Flaming Lips ("fight test")

It has officially come to pass. The ninth planet of so many elementary and middle school lessons has officially been demoted to mere "rock status." It's actually called a "dwarf planet" now, along with two others, for completeness. Now, I'll admit, I've never been really attached to Pluto...my favorite has always been Saturn, which I can't really give any coherent reason for. But, it seems to me an abomination that you can just rescind planetdom!! Sure, I understand that scientists figured they needed to tighten up the criteria as more of the solar system is discovered and explored, but I mean THINK people....now the acronym MVEMJSUNP doesn't even work! What's this world coming to? It's almost like making a class harder because too many kids are getting A's!

I actually don't care as much as it sounds. Still, it is kind of weird and surreal that something I learned in school will now not be learned any longer by modern students. a) it makes me feel old, b) it makes me consider what else I have learned in the past 17 years that might be changed or omitted from curriculum in the future.

That, my friends, is the value of learning and research. This is why I'm a scientist! How exciting it is to be on the cutting edge of the ever-changing and growing body of knowledge! Sure, business classes help you deal with the economics of life, and someone's got to do your taxes, but, science is so much better. I don't think I fully realized how amazing it is to know, learn and discover how little I know until Junior year of college. I had always "liked" school, but I think that was more due to the fact that I was good at it, versus really enjoying having knowledge transferred to me.

Junior year was the age of modern physics and my enlightenment as the result of a required philosophy class. I struggled through specific relativity and the next quarter came to the harsh, challenging and exciting realization that I could indeed believe in evolution and STILL call myself a Christian. Those were some difficult months for me academically, spiritually and mentally. Kudos to school, my patient professors, and the opportunity to make one's head hurt from conflicting viewpoints and seemingly impossibly scientific theories. I have a very few friends with whom I share this love of science and learning. My friend Jason checked out several books on fractals (math stuff I don't get) last summer for, as he called it, "pleasure reading." My other friend Katie is a research psychologist, but respects, understands and is intrigued by the synergy of all science. I have had countless conversations with these two close friends about the beauty of science, the extreme privilege of all schooling, and the travesty of complaining and taking university for granted. Ever heard the following phrase? Professor, I just need to know what I need to know for the test. Pure sacrilege. What's worse is when you hear a prof tell you "you won't need to know this on a test, so you don't care." YES, I DO!

As I prepare to begin my last two graduate chemistry classes on Monday, I look back on the last four-plus years of education at SPU and can say the following: 1) I have learned a lot more than I thought I ever could, 2) I'm only at the tip of the iceberg, 3) I have broadened my horizons past chemistry and physics to psychology, biochemistry, biology, and interests in many other subjects as well, 4) I think I've had the best professors anyone could ask for, 5) I forget relativity.

I wish I didn't, especially because I was so intrigued by it. But, truth is, Schrodinger and statistical mechanics overpowered my grey matter that year, and I badly want to relearn it. I hope that, as I transition from hard-core academia to industry and someday teaching, that I will always take the time to review what I have learned and find new things to read and ask questions about in all areas. To me, that is what this life is about: learning the beauty and intricacies of this world, realizing how little we still know after hundreds of years of research, understanding explanations for everyday processes we take for granted, and most of all sharing this knowledge with others. The more I learn, the more in awe I am of God and his awesome creation. What a blessing it is to learn, know and discuss. May we never cease.

Short people got no reason to live

2006-09-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

~Randy Newman (Although Nickel Creek did it at their show...so good)

Usually, I feel that shorter people have a one-up on me. Sure, I can reach things on the top shelf of the grocery store (and often help others out), and I can reach my top cabinets in my kitchen. But, by and large, most tall people will tell you, it's no day at the beach. Buying clothes and size 12 shoes is a pain, but gradually getting better, car choices are severely diminished because of what the person fits in (I wanted an Accord...but my knees hit the wheel!), and in general, the "amazon woman" comments and incessant stares (especially in foreign countries) get REALLY old. If I had a penny for every time I'd heard the ol' "wow...you're SO tall" phrase...well, I'd be able to help myself to an evening movie, at least. Thanks so much, I think everytime, I hadn't realized this until you so eloquently pointed it out!

Point is, being tall can be a blessing and a curse, especially when you're a female and guys seem to be a little scared of your 6' 3" stature. Whatever. What the average world doesn't get is that I'm used to it, and don't notice height differences until pointed out to me! Anyhow, when I saw this article today, I thought it fitting and largely ironic. Ironic because I was informed this morning that I in fact did NOT get the Chemsitry internship I've been planning on for 5 weeks. They liked me, but some internal changes caused them to decide not to hire me...and apparently not tell me. So, now I begin the job hunt. There isn't much in Eugene that I'm interested in or qualified for. It makes me wish I'd spent more time in food service or retail rather than babysitting in high school and college.

I've got a couple options, one of them being a restaurant bartender, which I think would be rad. That call goes out tomorrow... Anyhow, if it's true that tall people are higher paid, maybe I'll make more than $7.50 and hour. Ouch, a B.S. in Chemistry and I'm hoping for a retail job. Oh, how the tides have changed in the last week. Surprisingly, I'm less anxious and stressed than I figured I'd be after my entire 2-year plan of getting two Masters degrees has all but exploded. There are options. Life is long. I do, however, need to make some friends in Eugene.

I'm sending out an S.O.S.

2006-08-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

~ "Message in a bottle" (Sting)

Something completely shocking, unexpected, disturbing and odd occurred today.

It was a morning like any other Sunday. Got up, went to church (late, per normal), sat by myself and enjoyed the scenery of Coburg (this church is outside...it's so me). During the meet and greet time, I introduced myself to several people and then listened to a cool sermon on 2 Samuel 19. After the sermon, however I had an interesting conversation with a dude that had been sitting behind me.

Dude: It was nice meeting you, Katie
Me: Yeah, nice meeting you, too!
D: Are you a student in the area?
M: Yeah, I'm in grad school at the U of O (here we go again...)
D: Oh, neat, what in?
M: Chemistry

...blah blah blah...(it continued for a minute like this)

M: Do you live around here?
D: I'm actually from Ohio, but I spend a lot of time on the road
M: Oh, nice (tries to gather things quickly and exit)
D: So, can I call you sometime?
M: Uh...um....well, I...um...guess so...(looking around awkwardly)...
D: (Whips out his BIBLE and a pen) What is it?
M: (what is going on?)

...more small talk ensues about school, et cetera...

M: Well, good talking to you
D: Are you going to the BBQ?
M: Um....no, I've got homework (THANK YOU PROFESSOR ATRE)
D: Oh, I bet! That's such a hard subect....I'll be praying for you
M: (awkward laugh) Thanks

....So, what the hell is up with that?
Dude had to be at least 35, lives in Ohio, hadn't spoken to me more than 6o seconds when he asks me for my number (the first guy to ever do that, by the way)!!!! Now, I had hoped the first guy to ask me for my number would be a nice looking man my age and someone I was remotely interested in. Rest assured this was not it. I see one of two scenarios being plausible.

1) He's a genuinely nice (too nice) single "church" guy who wants to check in on me and talk about faith, or whatever.
2) He wants my bod.

Either way, I'm in a bind. I've never been faced with this conundrum before. I thought guys didn't ask for a number unless there had been significant conversation and a mutual vibe!! How could I nicely have said no? "Why?" "Don't you live in Ohio?" "Uh, dude, I'm 22 and...well, you're not..." "Um, I just met you" The reason I didn't say any of these is mostly because I was trying not to assume he was interested.

So, now we reach the interactive portion of the day. What do I do now? All I can say is, thank Jesus for caller ID. I suppose I won't be answering any calls from numbers I don't recognize, and just hoping that my awkwardness and lack of excitement to give him my number will discourage him from calling. But, then again, he did write my number in his freaking BIBLE..I'm doomed. Someone help me.

I’m sending out an S.O.S. I hope that someone gets my message in a bottle.

And true love waits in haunted attics

2006-08-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

~"True Love Waits" (Radiohead)

I have lived 22 great and full years.
22 of those I have spent single.

Most people seem extremely surprised when they find out, which I take as a compliment. Perhaps they are simply dumfounded because "everyone" dates in college. Whatever their meaning, I have to admit, I am sometimes surprised also that I've never found a guy that I like that magically likes me too. Rest assured, my good friends can tell you I've had more that fair share of interests and crushes in my lifetime, but nothing ever materializes (probably something to do with me being a total wimp).

I just graduated from a school that has a serious problem with dating. The problem is simple: no one dates. I have grouped the SPU population into general descriptors, but I'll spare you. Too many times, people come to college (especially SPU) and start "the hunt." I'll admit I did it. I thought I had paid my dues in highschool - never dating or going to a dance I was asked to. This was my chance! I wasn't looking for a husband, just someone to spend time with, know on a different level than my guy friends, and have a blast with. I had it really bad for about 3 guys throughout freshman year, which proved to cause me much unwanted stress, pain and time that I should have been spending doing more useful things. I reduced myself to harmless crushes for the next two years, and then ended college thinking a lot about a boy that was my friend and more "my type" (if that exists) than anyone I've liked before. Now, granted, I'm not sure what I'd be looking for because I have no experience, but he is a fun, adventurous, introspective, kind, active and intelligent individual...all of which I am extremely attracted to. Of course, I left Seattle without doing anything about it.

Which is a good transition into my diagnosis for the "SPU ordeal". There are several reasons for this sad lack of boldness and casual dating. 1) Girls (at SPU) think the guy needs to do all the initiating of everything (even if the guy doesn't know the girl exists!), 2) Guys think most girls want to be crazy-serious from the start and are actively persuing their "ring by spring," 3) Girls do not want to put themselves "out there" and get frustrated when guys don't ask them out, 4) Guys are more nervous/scared than girls think they are when it comes to putting themselves "out there." Thus, you have the most amazing stalemate since World War One.

It's been nice to free myself from this sickly and frustrating atmosphere, and see that, yes indeed, people in the real world DO date, and wait more than 6 months to get engaged!! Refreshing. I know I have a lot of years left to live, and I'm in no rush to "settle down" any time soon. At times throughout the past several years I have spent too much time thinking about what I could do differently to win the approval of an awesome man. This leads to much comparison to the world around me and an overkill of self-consciousness. Many people feed me the blanket phrase: "you're just so intimidating, Katie!" as if this completely explains my perpetual singlehood. Perhaps there's some truth to that. After all, I am fairly tall, like chemistry, speak my mind and enjoy a good competition.

Whatever the reasons, I have reached a point where I'm refusing to say "I give up," or "screw men," or "I'm so terrible, no one will ever love me." Rather, I realize that I am a unique, passionate person, and I want my life to be full of adventure, amazing stories, helping people, learning and laughing. I can't waste my time bemoaning my lack of significant other. Do I want to date someday, possibly even marry? Yeah. Does it have to be now? Of course not. Could I live my life and do what I feel called to do as a single woman? Absolutely.

My grandpa told me this weekend (out of the blue): "Mr. Right will come along someday, Katie." I hope someday for a man with whom I can be myself, travel, laugh constantly, philosophize and discuss books, politics, science and faith, all the while maintaining some of the independence that I love. I refuse to buy into the crap that I need to change myself in order for this to happen. What fun would love be if you couldn't be real, fart, make mistakes, stick your foot in your mouth, speak your mind or get sweaty? May we realize that running after "the elusive prize" will only lead to a less fulfilling life, wasted time, and heartache. I'll hold out for the real deal, thank you. I leave you with my favorite Radiohead song:

True Love Waits
I'll drown my beliefs
To have you be in peace
I'll dress like your niece
To wash your swollen feet

Just don't leave
Don't leave

I'm not living
I'm just killing time
Your tiny hands
Your crazy kitten smile

Just don't leave
Don't leave

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love lives
On lollipops and crisps

Just don't leave
Don't leave

Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell

2006-08-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

~The Flaming Lips

The Eugene Gazette

Eugene, OR - Still severely lacking in the energy department, Katie Klug, 22 , was about to throw in the towel today after a discouraging few days in graduate school and "do something fun with her life," she said, "like waitressing, becoming a full-time traveler, or possibly just hiding at mom and dad's place for a while and starting fresh." Finding out that The Willamette Valley Company and Dynea had not offered her chemistry internships on Monday and Tuesday, respectively, when Katie thought she had done quite well in both interviews and meshed well with the former company especially, was disheartening. "I'm not too accustomed to getting turned down like this, especially when I thought I'd nailed those interviews, and my confidence has certainly seen better days," she lamented Wednesday after returning home at 6pm from her hour long commute.

Perhaps her lack of energy is not simply tiredness, but rather a vicious cocktail of lonliness, getting up at 6:30am, mild depression and laziness. "The frustration is palpable," Katie admitted, "but today almost sent me over the edge when I poured my polymer/solvent mixture into a fresh bottle of Toluene and looked like a complete douch (sic)." Katie is generally quite saavy and successful in the laboratory setting, as colleagues at Seattle Pacific University can verify, but Wednesday's events brought back frightening emotions and memories from the Great Quartz Cuvette Fiasco of Summer 2005, when she borrowed two cuvettes (between $150-200 each) from another lab at the University of Oregon, and upon returning them, set the precious package too close to the edge and watched as, to her horror, the cuvettes plummeted to the tile floor; one shattering into pieces about the size of Katie's self esteem at that moment.

Katie realizes that everyone has bad days, and is determined to get some good sleep tonight, even though this means sacrificing a bike ride. She says her plan of attack is to pray more for some serious patience, energy and job offers. She also understands and admits her need to learn how to properly use commas. Katie still has the possibility of Forrest Paint Company somewhere out there in the stratosphere, but has not yet heard back from the technical director who seemed so eager to hire her a week prior. She finds solace not only in the Lord and his everpresent nearness, but also in her favorite quote from Shakespeare in Love: "It will come out alright, it always does...It's a mystery." ~ Gu Xiao Chen