I find a fatal flaw in the logic of love

~Gone for Good; The Shins

If you searched the term "unrequited love" in the encyclopedia, I'm sure my picture would grace the page. I've never been "good" at relationships: unconfident at times, deeply frightened by rejection and often so concerned with preserving friendship that I am unwilling to "risk it." Textbook chick-flick movie.

And by that I mean I've had almost zero experience and am pretty pathetic. I spent countless hours in college pining over the man I thought was "the one," only to realize he had a girlfriend, wasn't interested, or, most commonly, was a total douche. So, then I would foolishly move on to the next "one," all the while being nagged by the traditional character on my shoulder trying to convince me that I just HAD to find a husband in college or I'd be an old-maid forever. You know the one. We even read a book my freshman year called "Lady in Waiting" (when I look back upon that time in my life, I just want to barf).

None of those "ones" were, actually, "the one."

Since college, a new character has slowly emerged on the opposite shoulder. It attempts to convince me to love my life, and embrace adventure, spontaneity, challenge, learning, serving and creativity no matter what "season" I find myself in. Not in a spirit of waiting or pity, but in a full-court-press of living life with no regrets. I appreciate this new character infinitely more than the other one, but I often see myself beginning to believe the coaxing of the more traditional voice. I see so many friends happily married (and having kids - though the thought of bearing children absolutely horrifies me) to a companion that will travel with them through life and brings a new intimacy and perspective into their lives that they have yet to experience. Of course, those are not the only reasons to commit to a marriage partner, and those descriptors are certainly not limited to a marriage relationship, but I find myself desiring these things above all others currently.

This blog post is coming from a place of complete exhaustion on the topic, as the last year has been a challenging one for my emotions related to both work and relationships. Of the men I thought might be possibilities for more than friendship in my life the past year or so, one came out recently, another became engaged, and two all but rejected me and immediately starting dating other people. I know "that's life," and I'm not alone, but it's been fairly rapid-fire, so I find myself somewhat fragile currently.

Friends and family try to offer suggestions ("just put yourself out there," "go to bars/concerts/church more," "don't wear heels," and, of course, "have you thought about online dating?"), yet, I strongly believe that there is a large portion of love that is a complete crap-shoot. Timing, age, maturity, work, school, location, emotional stability, future plans, flexibility and readiness are all huge factors that, if not similar between partners at one specific moment in time, will wreak havoc on a potential relationship. Perhaps my mindset is coming from a place of denial, but, believing that the "problem" of singleness (I hate to call it that, because I love it most of the time) is not solely a "problem" with me is the only way I will survive.

I have spent more time than I wish to sum or disclose trying to deduce what I'm doing "wrong" - am I too outspoken? am I too smart? am I too sarcastic? am I too tall? - and I usually conclude that, though my list of descriptors may be unique and unusual, I am proud of who I am becoming and would not change myself for anyone even if I could. It may take time, but wouldn't it be far worse to settle, or waste my life complaining, worrying and woe-is-me-ing? I think so.

So, this is not meant to be a woe-is-me posting or a pity-party, but, more accurately, an honest and public assessment of my current thinking on the subject for my eyes and anyone else who finds themselves in a similar place. Sometimes it's important and therapeutic for me to record snapshots of my life on this blog so that I can reflect on my growth and, at the same time, forge ahead boldly into my one, wild and precious life!

Update:
Meanwhile, an insightful article to ponder.